Being happy and single


I’ve been wanting to write a post like this for so long. After the amazing feedback from my ‘why I’m happy and confident being single’ post, I decided to elaborate more on my own experiences of single life and why I’m happy just as I am.

Being single can be a tricky thing. I have friends who physically hate being single, and that’s totally fine. We all handle break ups and relationships in general differently.

From my experience, I’m happy being single because it has given me room to grow. I recently touched on this post in my ‘A reflection on relationships’ post. I have never been one to ever ‘seek’ a relationship, because I simply don’t need one. I find my own independence in my own space on my own, and I find myself more comfortable that way sometimes.

Honestly, my relationship status right now is 100% dedicated to me, and me only. That’s not in a selfish way- but more of a self development way. I have just come out of college from studying A Levels, and I have this whole crazy world right in front of me that I am so eager to explore by myself.

At this point in my life, I couldn’t imagine a relationship so I sort of count my lucky stars that I am single all in all. I am 18 years old. I am still young. Sure, life passes quickly, but you also have to live your life for yourself sometimes. I truly respect those who are in a committed relationship at my age, because I am super busy now as it is- never mind with a relationship as well.

This is a post to demonstrate that being single is totally okay and healthy, just like being in a relationship can be. I acknowledge that a lot of people find it hard being single, but use this as a time to grow in yourself. I have begun to learn the hard way that your longest commitment is yourself only so you may as well cherish this life.

When I am meant to be in a relationship again, it will happen. My friends often try to set me up with some guy, or ask about someone I will be speaking to at the time; but none of it appeals to me right now. I always wondered what type of ‘relationship’ person I am. Whether me only getting into my first relationship at 17 was a reflection of me being a ‘late bloomer’ and ‘ugly’ or if it was more because I was picky. I have realised that I am picky, and that’s totally okay too.

Relationships are human nature, and of course we all get into them now and again. But in the ‘interval’ sections as I will name it, I have found that looking after yourself and exploring life is extremely rewarding. Plus, it means you can tick things off your bucket list.

Life life for yourself. Whether that’s being single, or in a relationship. I don’t know the main meaning of this post, but I think it may be something to do with me trying to get my head around if it’s normal to be this happy and calm being single. I have now discovered that it’s totally okay.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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A reflection on relationships


I am currently sat in a coffee shop huddled in the corner looking at 4 walls.

I feel so comfortable in whatever blurts out from my head so I guess this is going to be a post about something which has been whirling round in my life since June. Something which I have alluded to in a lot of my blog posts, but in which I have never openly come out and talked about in detail.

In some ways, this is my break-up letter. Even though, who writes letters anymore anyway? This is more of a letter of happiness, rather than sadness. I’m done with the whole ‘crying until I fall asleep’ and ‘sleeping in the day just to pass time’ type of emotion which my break-up brought me.

In fact, this is a thank you. A thank you to my break-up. Without it, I don’t think I would be in such a good place right now. I feel like I always get reminded that it’s the hard times that make us human, or that the hard times shape us into who we are today… and this couldn’t be more true today. Sure, there are worse things in life that go on other than break-ups; but they still hurt and they still suck.

I feel like songs constantly talk about break-ups with either emotions of sadness and despair, or the message that says “HEY I HATE MY EX AND THAT’S THAT.” I don’t think I have ever heard a song for a long time that looks back on a break-up with gratitude. I don’t know, does that still make me human? The fact that I’m grateful for someone I once loved leaving me?

Break-ups can bring so many negatives. In many ways, you ask yourself if you really are worthy to let someone into your life and feel loved by another soul again. It’s that stage where you feel utter despair and hopelessness- and I hope to never experience a break-up again in all honesty.

Do I regret my ex relationship? No. I think if I did, I wouldn’t have had the ability to grow or learn. I mean, that’s what relationships are; a sort of journey and hopefully at some point, that journey ends and you’ll settle with someone for the rest of your life. I often look at my parents and admire their relationship. After 19 years of being together, they are still in love and they hardly argue. I hope one day that can be me, but for now I’m just living for the present.

I have never been the sort of person to ‘seek’ a relationship. The idea of me being single totally appeals to me, and I am so happy being independent and single; or independent and in a relationship. But I look back on 2016 and wow, what a learning process it has been. I sure as hell cried a lot, but now those tears have turned into tears of joy and genuine happiness. Into someone who managed to find herself again.

This isn’t a letter of hate, that emotion doesn’t even come into my head anymore when i think of my past relationship. I would rather use this as an opportunity to reflect and be thankful. My break-up made me stronger. It allowed me to grow as an individual and do things I never imagined I would. For instance, my blog was straight up created as a way for me to heal through my break-up. And now, I can proudly say that I have healed. I have healed in more ways than I ever thought I would.

Let like work itself out how it does. Maybe my break-up was a way of the world showing me that I was a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. No matter how many times I get told by the people around me that I am one of the strongest people they’ve ever met, I never used to believe it. Now however, I believe that I am strong enough to conquer anything. Not just break-ups, but my high functioning anxiety that comes with it.

To my ex, thank you. I genuinely hope you’re as happy as I am right now. This isn’t a dig. Or hatred. This is a simple thank you. I hope one day everything I told you about yourself will soon make sense. Find your own potential and just feel alive.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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Letting someone you love grow


This post was, and is, extremely spontaneous to write. After being in a deep thinking mood for the most parts of today, I suddenly came up with this blog post idea. The kind of ideas that I have been wanting to write about for a few months now, but didn’t quite know how.

There are always going to be people who drift in and out of your life, and one person in particular comes to mind when I reflect on this concept of letting people grow. This is someone who is still becoming their own person and still trying to work out what they want out of life.

I’m hesitant to restrain from not saying anything on this matter, because I have been wanting to write about this for a while now. Nevertheless, in the time I knew this person, I was more than happy to give them space to grow. Space to find themselves and who they were, and be there every step of the way. It wasn’t because I felt like I should’ve been obliged to be there; rather that I wanted to.

I cared, and still care, for this person immensely. It’s the kind of care in which you don’t know why it’s such a strong emotion, but it just is. There’s just something, and I still haven’t put my finger to it yet (even 9 months later). Me caring about them also means that I care about who they turn into, and how their growth may be going.

Honestly, I don’t know where this person is at in their life at the moment. I seem to have a clear idea because I seem to know this person better than they even know themselves. The fact of the matter is that it’s always been about them. It’s always been about me wanting to simply be there and try to keep them in track, but also give them room to grow.

I feel like I have been through a lot with this person, both emotionally and in my own growth. I don’t know if they will ever realise the extent in which I care about them, or the extent in which I want to watch them grow into the person that I know they have potential to be. None of this is for my sake, rather because when you love someone, suddenly everything becomes selfless; with this being one of them kinds of moments.

Who knows if this person will ever stumble across this post, but if for some reason they do; it’s good for them to be reminded that even through everything, they have someone who will always care about them unconditionally and selflessly. That this is the sort of person that I’ll think about now and then and hope and pray that they’re living the best life they can. That they live a life full of happiness, even if I’m not part of it. And I guess that’s what I mean by loving and caring about someone selflessly; I don’t have to be in their life to care. I don’t want anything from it- rather, I just want them to become who they’re meant to be and continue to grow into exactly that.

They seriously have the potential to, and after everything I will continue to defend this person. I ultimately see something in them in which a lot of people fail to see. That behind everything, there is someone genuine, loving and caring. Sometimes the most upsetting thing about it all is that they don’t see how glorious and amazing they are. And that’s just it, that’s the whole point of it. Because they are a wonderful human being and no matter what anyone says, they will find the confidence to become just that in their own growth. And what’s even more is that I’ll still be there in the background, even if I’m not going to be apart of their growth directly.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Does life need to be so complicated?


I feel like I constantly allude to this all the tine. The idea that life seems so complicated, but when we take a step back and completely strip life down.. is it really?

I feel as though life being complicated is a very personal thing. As humans, we can naturally make situations complicated as well as societal expectations also playing a part. For example, relationships. I have always said this, but some people who love each other aren’t together, and some people who don’t love each other are together. That’s the sad reality of it all. We sometimes seem to make excuses as to why we “can’t” be together with someone but if you really think about it, people can find a way to be together and make it work. I don’t know, maybe I’m very idealistic.

I am living in this very liberating mindset at the moment of “just do it.” In fact, it seems to be my life motto at the moment. I wanted my tattoo for months and as soon as I was 18 I thought, “what’s stopping me?” and got it. I’ve wanted to travel to Leeds for so long, and I finally had an opportunity to go. I wanted to make excuses when it came to not going but I thought, “why not?” and ended up having the best time. I go on spontaneous days out because I can. 

Everyone seems to tell me to enjoy my life at 18, and trust me, that’s exactly what I am doing. I feel like my life starts now and there’s no point in complicating things and making excuses as to why I won’t fulfill something I’ve wanted to for so long.

Ever since I’ve decluttered my life, I have felt a lot happier, and I’m pretty sure the people closest to me has seen that change in me too. When you think about it, you have this amazing life in front of you just waiting to be written- and you can write your story however you want. You can either live life complicating things and live in regret, or you can just do things because you can. Determination.

If you take anything away from this post, I hope you reflect on life in general and where you’re going. I hope you ask yourself, “is this really what I want?” and if it isn’t, fix it. Things are never as bad as they seem, and you can honestly get through anything. Write your story and make it pretty damn amazing because you deserve nothing less.

In some ways, complications are the product of a humans personal choice. We always have a choice, and we always have chance to change things if we wish. Sometimes it’s not easy. Being in love with someone who doesn’t love you, isn’t easy. Trying to reach for your dream job and getting knocked back so many times that you begin to loose hope isn’t easy. But keep fighting. You’ll find a way to get there in the end.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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I’m happy and confident being single


I have been meaning to write a post a bit like this for a while, about my whole view of being newly single, why I’m totally happy being single, and why being single has actually turned out to be extremely beneficial to me as a person.

Ever since I’ve been single, I feel like it’s helped me in finding myself and finding who I am. Obviously this can be done in relationships too, but the independent time to myself has been healing and probably the best thing that could’ve happened to me at this moment in time.

In fact, I have been told by some of the closest people in my life that I seem to have ‘blossomed’ in the past couple of months after becoming single. I seem to be a lot more confident, happy, empowered and liberated and that’s down to me deciding to take control of my life and do better.

I’m young, and I’m happy living my life at 18 and finding myself in the process. For someone who spends so much time putting others before her own health, it’s been extremely liberating for me to bounce back and be a developed product of the person I was 4 months ago. 

Overall, bring single has enabled me to concentrate on myself without having to think about another person whom I am in a relationship with. As much as I love being in relationships, being single equally has it’s benefits. I’ve had space to think, and to finally do everything that I’ve wanted to for so long.

This includes things I said that I would do whilst in my last relationship. I’m now taking control of my anxiety. I finally plucked up the courage to go to the doctors and seek help and am now waiting for my ‘cognitive behavioral therapy’ counselling sessions. I have been able to start travelling again which included going to Leeds for the #BloggersBlogAwards. I am going back to London in December and March and I am comfortable in myself in the first time in probably forever.

It’s given me time and space to think, reflect and regroup. As much as my friends are trying to be my ‘wing women’ and find me someone again… I personally don’t want it. I am the happiest in my own independent space and looking after myself and my health comes first and foremost. It’s helped me take a step back and think about things in depth. It’s completely slowed my hectic life down, and helped me control myself. It’s helped me become the person I’ve wanted to become for so long. Blossoming. 

I mean, Beyoncé wrote a whole song about being single and happy… so it can’t be that bad.

So hi, being single isn’t a bad thing, just like neither is being in a relationship. It is all about personal preference for the individual at that time. And for now? Honestly, my mingling days are back whilst looking after myself at the same time. I’m happy. I’m becoming healthier. I’m doing everything I promised I would do whilst I was in my last relationship- just doing it being single. And I am extremely liberated and empowered.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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An overflow of words


Whatever comes to mind. When sat at my iMac trying to write endless posts about what goes on in my life and the world around me; I came up with this concept of an overflow of words- which is exactly what this blog post is going to be about.

The past week has been an important learning curve for me. Whilst I have beaten myself up and struggled to find who I am again, I have also learnt how to get my self confidence back. I am who I am, and as much as it upsets me when people hate me; I cannot help who I am fundamentally and I am extremely proud of the person I am turning into. Life is a learning process, and I am learning more and more every day.

When writing about my thoughts and feelings, I also like to pour my overflow of words into the concept of love. I am completely drawn in by the whole idea of love- and that mainly happens unintentionally. Love is this amazing, overpowering connection of human affection and it’s something we take for granted every day. I mainly use my past experiences to write little pieces of poetry, and although this is a piece which is far from perfect, it is something that jumps out at me when I talk about this very concept.

You made me the angriest, the saddest and yet the happiest. You were like the calm sea and the storm all at once.

Pretty cliche metaphor right? Well, have you ever loved someone who you feel is unlovable? If you take anything away from this post at all, I hope you love like it’s the only thing you know how to. Embrace your feelings. Remind people their loved- whether that’s your partner, friend, family member, even your pet goldfish, or anything in between. I regret putting my guard up when it comes to loving someone. I pretend I don’t love them so I don’t get hurt. Let it happen. It’s natural, it’s okay and it’s totally normal. 

And then we have an overflow of words about my life philosophy. How I live is pretty simple- love, be kind and compassionate, forgive, and try to look forward always. If I am going to live this life, I am going to make it the best it can be. A lot of people don’t understand me as a person, and that’s okay. I like being unique. I like the fact that I’m blind in one eye, or I have the dorkiest personality. I like how I thrive off meeting new people and making new friends. This is genuinely me. Everything you read about on this blog is me, my thoughts and my life. 

Maybe i’ll write this and include no punctuation

so the reader can just concentrate on the words

and that’s it

the meaning behind this piece of writing

the fact that mental health is still stigmitised

or we stll live in a world with patriarchy and inequality

quiet

the hush of someone so insecure in themselves due to the pressure

the pressure

of not being good enough

pretty enough

and just like there’s no punctuation used in

this

small

piece

of

writing

maybe this world can change

one

person

at

a

time.

beauty.

equality.

love.

kindness.

compassion.

They deserve grammar.

And the main reason behind my overflow of words? To free myself. To apologise for hurting you, or for wanting to go back in time but not being able to. For admitting that I can still be happy in myself, but also miss the past. This “you” I am referring to could be anyone. In fact, it could refer to everyone in my life right now. This is my escape, because the truth is, I will never stop caring about the people around me. I will never stop embracing the shiz out of who I am. I will never feel guilty about my emotions because that’s what makes me human. That’s what makes me feel alive.

Missing someone is a lot deeper than just missing the memories if you actually valued them. It’s about missing them as a person, and missing caring. Everything else that comes with it. 

My overflow of words is a way of freedom for my mind. Maybe I should open my mind more and listen.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Life is what you make it



“Life is what you make it” is the type of philosophy I have based my life around at the moment. I have began to realise that if I want to do something, I should just do it because nothing is stopping me from doing what I want with my own life. Whether that’s getting a tattoo I’ve wanted for so long, cutting out people in my life who simply aren’t good for me, or even dancing like the world will never end because guess what? I can and I will.

“So, do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out and decide.”

In my experience, life is too short to not live it to the fullest. To live it ‘loving’ someone you no longer love, and alternately, ‘not loving’ someone you want to love. Forget judgement and constraints. There really is no such word as ‘I can’t’ if you put your mind to it.

Let’s put it this way, if you want something, reach for it and get it. Don’t stop until you get what you deserve. I have recently realised that you can’t make someone want or miss you, or even force someone to stay in your life. But you can make your intentions clear. Say things before it’s too late or before you regret it, you never know what could happen tomorrow. Why wait?

I’ve recently become intrigued by Rupi Kaur’s collection of poetry, Milk and Honey. One of my most favourite pieces from this book states that, “don’t mistake salt for sugar. If he wants to be with you, he will. It’s that simple.” If you want to be with someone, you’ll find a way. You’ll find a way to think about what’s actually right for you. And you’ll get there if it’s meant to happen.

And above all else? Have fun, and live your life. Wear what you want, smile. Laugh like it’s the only thing you know how to do. Don’t let anyone put you down for whatever makes you happy. If catching Pokemon, playing video games or looking at the sky makes you happy then embrace that above all else. Love like it’s the only thing in this world you know how to. Put your time and energy into the people who mean the most to you regardless of the past. Aim for your goals, and don’t stop until you achieve them. Be the best person you can be, and be happy and healthy.

From today, I will have no regrets. If I end up falling for someone again, I’ll tell them. I’ll be happy in rekindling lost relationships and meeting new people and discovering new wonders of life. I certainly will not let societal expectations stop me from living my life I want, or stop me from saying things to people who I love the most. There’s no point spending your life surrounded by people who make you feel less than you deserve, and neglecting those who would give you the world.

And because life is what I make it, I have recently discovered how amazing writing poetry, and writing in general can be. It opens up so many doors to my thoughts and feelings, so here’s a small section of something I recently wrote. I have no shame in my feelings and I have no shame in making something beautiful out of a painful situation that had emotionally killed me.

That’s the thing. I had to let you go. I had to push my desires aside and let you live. Let you experience life and love without me. Let you heal. Because at the end of the day, all I wanted was for you to be happy. I’ll always love and care. But I had to let go and disappear. And whoever comes along and loves you more than I did do? That’s competition. But cherish her. Because that’s a number bigger than all infinities. 

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Is independence empowering?


I like to think of myself as a pretty independent person which can be extremely empowering to me. A person who can make her own decisions, be responsible for her own success, and can go out on her own and do her own thing. I hate relying on people and not being able to make my own decisions.

And what about when it comes to being independent in relationships? I totally support that 100%. Obviously, a relationship is between two people, and you can’t be selfish. But, being selfish and independent are two different things. In a relationship I can still make my own decisions. I can still go out on my own without my boyfriend. I can still earn my own money, and not rely on my boyfriend’s; and likewise spend money on him too.

One of the things I’ve always wanted to be is a strong, independent woman. I don’t like being told that I can’t do something because of my gender, or being told that I am not capable enough to make my own decisions.

I am not even saying this because I label myself as a Feminist. I just feel like independence is such an amazing and empowering feeling. I will never let anyone tell me what I can or can’t do, and I will never let anyone put me down for being a woman. I am more than capable of looking after myself, just as much as a male is. My gender does not determine how independent I can or can’t be either.

Because I am strong and independent, I will live my life how I want. I will strive to reach my own goals, ignoring others opinions. I will stick to the person I want to be, and get out there and meet new people and make new friends without relying on anyone else. In every relationship I get in, I will still uphold and stick to this belief; yet still be in a relationship with partnership, and still have my own unique identity.

I am happy in my own vision of myself and who I want to be, with being independent being one of my most empowering features. I’m happy in not relying on others, I’m happy in having own opinions and view on things and not being influenced by others. I’m happy in being my own liberated and empowered person and just a strong, independent woman.

Being independent is a good thing. It does not mean I am ‘stuck up’ or ‘stubborn.’

Independent: 1. free from outside control; not subject to another’s authority. 2. not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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The healing of words


Before blogging or writing down my thoughts, I never had a “therapy” if you like for handling hurt. I kinda just muddled my way through it and hoped for the best.

I’ve now realised that the key way in which I heal is words. Whether that’s writing my thoughts in a blog post, on a piece of paper, or poetry. It’s like my heart pours out onto paper and helps me relieve all the stress in my head.

After picking up Rupi Kaur’s “Milk and Honey” book (which you should totally read and check out), I came to the realisation that heartbreak is normal- and using words as a therapy for that is totally okay.

While I hate to admit I’ve hurt over the past few months, words have helped me express all that pain and anger into something beautiful. I never normally write poetry, but tonight I got so wrapped up in my thoughts and my feelings that I came across this amazing concept for some poems regarding time.
I’ve found that time is the greatest healer of all. I look back over the past 3 months, and find it baffling how I’ve got to this point from such a dark place to complete happiness. Time passes. And it heals us. Put your faith in it more often, it works wonders.

I’ve decided to share some of my poems that I created tonight with you all. After all, words say a lot, and I feel happier knowing my thoughts and feelings are somewhere greater than my mind- how broad and gigantic the Internet world can be. Enjoy the rollercoaster that is my healing heart.

9am

I became enchanted by you

4pm

I dated you

6pm

You became mine

2pm

I gave my all

– may fourth

12pm

You broke me

4pm

You asked for me again

6am

We talked and ended it all

And they say time heals.

I’m especially proud of this series of writing. Whilst thinking about the past, I realised just how quickly time can change. This poem especially helped because it puts things into perspective. It made me realise that all this happened, and I’m still here. Time heals.

You asked me to stay

Then left

And now

You have left

Longer than you stayed

– time

It’s funny how fast time passes when you’re “in the moment.” When you’re so wrapped up in life. I recently reflected on this, and realised that time can go just as quick when someone leaves. My own recovery, and my own happiness has led me to live the fullest life that I can at this moment in time. It’s all about time, and how you make use of it.

I cried

Until I became familiar

With the pain of loss

I still cry

But I’ve learnt

How to do it silently

– whisper

And finally, this reflects my current status of “hurt.” The pain of loss can take a human a while to come to terms with. Thankfully, I’m at that stage where I’ve come to terms with it, and I no longer hurt “publically.” But that doesn’t mean I still don’t occasionally sometimes hurt silently. It hits me somedays. Whether that’s 2am, or 2pm. And sometimes it won’t hit me at all. That’s the whisper of time.

All in all, I’ve realised that it’s okay to hurt and use writing as your therapy. It’s okay to create something utterly beautiful out of something so painful. Loss comes in all shapes and sizes.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Want 20% off your order at Coconut-Lane? Use the code ‘beccajayne20’ at the checkout to redeem…. go on! Why not treat yourself?

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Anxiety in relationships and the workplace


Okay Becca, breathe.

This is undoubtedly going to be one of the most personal, and hardest, blog posts to write if anything; because it is the reason behind my biggest downfalls as a person- how my anxiety affects me in relationships and in the workplace.

It’s no secret that I am quite a sensitive person as it is. Mix that in with anxiety, and we have breakdown after breakdown in a relationship. Dear my future partner: good luck.

I don’t think I have ever openly sat here and spoke about how bad my anxiety can get in relationships. I am incredibly worried about people in my life leaving me as it is, and that is no different in relationships. It’s hard to admit that you constantly feel like you’re not good enough for the person you love. I mean, it’s me. Why would anyone want to commit to me? 

I constantly worry and have panic attacks over not being good enough. I constantly worry about my partner finding someone better, and me not being enough. I want to be good enough for them. I want to be the best girlfriend I can be, I want to put them first and care for them so unbelievably much. Even though I do just that, I feel like that’s not enough. I mean, I view myself as such a ‘burdern,’ so how could anyone possibly love me? Wow, what a foreign concept.

I worry about it so much that it puts a strain on my relationship. It’s so much emotional stress being put on my partner, over something I can’t help.

It’s a constant mental battle of, “He’s going to leave me. I want to tell him, but I can’t. What if I tell him how I really feel and he leaves me?” Even writing this now I have a lump in a throat thinking about the amount of emotional strain that my anxiety puts me under in relationships. And the saddest thing about it all? I physically can’t help it.

Paranoid? No. I’ve sat and thought about this more in depth than a lot of things. The most ironic thing, is that I still trust my partner. I still trust that they love me enough to not leave me unless necessary. I still trust them enough to know that when they tell me I’m good enough, maybe I am just that.

See what I mean by a constant emotional battle? It’s a constant battle between thoughts that are ‘irrational,’ but seem totally real to me, and what I know is actually happening.

To conclude this, I’m going to put my hands up and admit that how I feel in relationships has put such a strain on the people I love. The saddest thing is that I try not to think about it, and I try not to have panic attacks over it. This may seem completely ‘psycho’ to anyone who hasn’t experienced anxiety in relationships, but I know it’s not just me who experiences this.

My advice to you if you feel like this in a relationship? Trust your partner, and if you need to talk to them, talk to them. Don’t let your anxiety put even more strain on yourself, and your relationship, more than it already might be,

And on the flipside, if you’re dating someone with anxiety (especially in your relationship), the number one thing you can do is to be reassuring. Yeah, it may get tiring. But if you really want to fight for your relationship and your partner, then it will be worth it. In fact, I read the perfect thing that would fit with this idea yesterday:

Don’t give up on somebody with a mental illness. You’re finding it hard to be [with] them? They’re finding it harder, I promise.

And now the good old, ‘anxiety in the workplace.’ If handing in your CV, going through the interview process, talking on the phone to your boss, and doing the whole training process at work wasn’t bad enough, my anxiety still likes to pop up and say hello.

I work as a waitress in a tea room so I’m serving food and drinks to customers on a weekly basis. For me, talking to people makes me feel extra anxious. Don’t get me wrong, I love people, I love interacting with people and exploring their lives and just having a general chat. But it makes it extra hard to do that, especially if you’re having a bad anxiety day and you feel on edge.

To be completely honest, I love my job. It gives me great experience, and forces me to be put in uncomfortable positions and see the day through. However, like everything else, it can all get too much.

It was only the other day actually where I had a panic attack in work due to my anxiety. I had been having constant panic attacks all Friday, so I didn’t feel too good either when I got up for work on that Saturday. Regardless, I always say that I will not let my anxiety stop me from doing things, so I went to work as usual.

Little did I know, that even spilling a bit of tea could make me nearly cry. Yes, I nearly cried over tea. I nearly cried over the embarrassment of dropping a bit of tea, and the good old wow, you’re not even good enough to serve a pot of tea.’

Just like worrying over my partner wanting to leave me in relationships, I get worried over being sacked in work. In fact, I’ve pretty much got it in my head that my workplace is going to sack me and I’m so hopeless, even though I know that that’s not the case and I’m doing just fine at my job.

Regardless, I am getting better at handling my anxiety in relationships and the workplace. I am still yet to adjust to the constant negative thoughts, and turning them into a positive.

More than anything, I am worried that I will put up this blog post and people will think I’m a ‘paranoid freak who doesn’t deserve a boyfriend or a job.’ And you know what? That couldn’t be further from the truth. The whole point of this post was mainly to speak up about this and once again, stop the negative stigma that surrounds mental illness. If anyone knows me, they’ll know that I try to be the most positive and happiest person I can be. I see my anxiety as a pain, and something that lingers… not something that defines my whole mind. I deserve to be loved just as anyone else, because I know how to love and not just be a constant annoyance due to my anxiety… something may I add again, I cannot help; trust me I hate it as much as you do.

I’m trying, one step at a time. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been right now, and hopefully that will reflect in my next relationship- whenever that may be, who knows.

Bottom line: my anxiety will not stop me from working hard at my job, just as it will not stop me from finding a relationship where my anxiety episodes are accepted just as much as everything else about me should be.

Do you have similar experiences in relationships or the workplace? Leave your thoughts in the comment box below!

Love & happiness always,

xo, Becca

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