Okay Becca, breathe.
This is undoubtedly going to be one of the most personal, and hardest, blog posts to write if anything; because it is the reason behind my biggest downfalls as a person- how my anxiety affects me in relationships and in the workplace.
It’s no secret that I am quite a sensitive person as it is. Mix that in with anxiety, and we have breakdown after breakdown in a relationship. Dear my future partner: good luck.
I don’t think I have ever openly sat here and spoke about how bad my anxiety can get in relationships. I am incredibly worried about people in my life leaving me as it is, and that is no different in relationships. It’s hard to admit that you constantly feel like you’re not good enough for the person you love. I mean, it’s me. Why would anyone want to commit to me?
I constantly worry and have panic attacks over not being good enough. I constantly worry about my partner finding someone better, and me not being enough. I want to be good enough for them. I want to be the best girlfriend I can be, I want to put them first and care for them so unbelievably much. Even though I do just that, I feel like that’s not enough. I mean, I view myself as such a ‘burdern,’ so how could anyone possibly love me? Wow, what a foreign concept.
I worry about it so much that it puts a strain on my relationship. It’s so much emotional stress being put on my partner, over something I can’t help.
It’s a constant mental battle of, “He’s going to leave me. I want to tell him, but I can’t. What if I tell him how I really feel and he leaves me?” Even writing this now I have a lump in a throat thinking about the amount of emotional strain that my anxiety puts me under in relationships. And the saddest thing about it all? I physically can’t help it.
Paranoid? No. I’ve sat and thought about this more in depth than a lot of things. The most ironic thing, is that I still trust my partner. I still trust that they love me enough to not leave me unless necessary. I still trust them enough to know that when they tell me I’m good enough, maybe I am just that.
See what I mean by a constant emotional battle? It’s a constant battle between thoughts that are ‘irrational,’ but seem totally real to me, and what I know is actually happening.
To conclude this, I’m going to put my hands up and admit that how I feel in relationships has put such a strain on the people I love. The saddest thing is that I try not to think about it, and I try not to have panic attacks over it. This may seem completely ‘psycho’ to anyone who hasn’t experienced anxiety in relationships, but I know it’s not just me who experiences this.
My advice to you if you feel like this in a relationship? Trust your partner, and if you need to talk to them, talk to them. Don’t let your anxiety put even more strain on yourself, and your relationship, more than it already might be,
And on the flipside, if you’re dating someone with anxiety (especially in your relationship), the number one thing you can do is to be reassuring. Yeah, it may get tiring. But if you really want to fight for your relationship and your partner, then it will be worth it. In fact, I read the perfect thing that would fit with this idea yesterday:
Don’t give up on somebody with a mental illness. You’re finding it hard to be [with] them? They’re finding it harder, I promise.
And now the good old, ‘anxiety in the workplace.’ If handing in your CV, going through the interview process, talking on the phone to your boss, and doing the whole training process at work wasn’t bad enough, my anxiety still likes to pop up and say hello.
I work as a waitress in a tea room so I’m serving food and drinks to customers on a weekly basis. For me, talking to people makes me feel extra anxious. Don’t get me wrong, I love people, I love interacting with people and exploring their lives and just having a general chat. But it makes it extra hard to do that, especially if you’re having a bad anxiety day and you feel on edge.
To be completely honest, I love my job. It gives me great experience, and forces me to be put in uncomfortable positions and see the day through. However, like everything else, it can all get too much.
It was only the other day actually where I had a panic attack in work due to my anxiety. I had been having constant panic attacks all Friday, so I didn’t feel too good either when I got up for work on that Saturday. Regardless, I always say that I will not let my anxiety stop me from doing things, so I went to work as usual.
Little did I know, that even spilling a bit of tea could make me nearly cry. Yes, I nearly cried over tea. I nearly cried over the embarrassment of dropping a bit of tea, and the good old wow, you’re not even good enough to serve a pot of tea.’
Just like worrying over my partner wanting to leave me in relationships, I get worried over being sacked in work. In fact, I’ve pretty much got it in my head that my workplace is going to sack me and I’m so hopeless, even though I know that that’s not the case and I’m doing just fine at my job.
Regardless, I am getting better at handling my anxiety in relationships and the workplace. I am still yet to adjust to the constant negative thoughts, and turning them into a positive.
More than anything, I am worried that I will put up this blog post and people will think I’m a ‘paranoid freak who doesn’t deserve a boyfriend or a job.’ And you know what? That couldn’t be further from the truth. The whole point of this post was mainly to speak up about this and once again, stop the negative stigma that surrounds mental illness. If anyone knows me, they’ll know that I try to be the most positive and happiest person I can be. I see my anxiety as a pain, and something that lingers… not something that defines my whole mind. I deserve to be loved just as anyone else, because I know how to love and not just be a constant annoyance due to my anxiety… something may I add again, I cannot help; trust me I hate it as much as you do.
I’m trying, one step at a time. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been right now, and hopefully that will reflect in my next relationship- whenever that may be, who knows.
Bottom line: my anxiety will not stop me from working hard at my job, just as it will not stop me from finding a relationship where my anxiety episodes are accepted just as much as everything else about me should be.
Do you have similar experiences in relationships or the workplace? Leave your thoughts in the comment box below!
Love & happiness always,
Want 20% off your order at Coconut-Lane? Use the code ‘beccajayne20’ at the checkout to redeem…. go on! Why not treat yourself?
Bloglovin’: Click here
Facebook: Positive Plxnt
Feel free to drop me a tweet etc xo