Caring without caring…

You know that feeling when you reflect so deeply on people who have left your life? When you think, “did that really happen for a reason?” or, “was that really best for me?” I seem to be doing that a lot tonight, and I feel like I need to express my utter gratitude from what I’ve found.
Sometimes you don’t see the bigger picture at the time, I certainly didn’t. I just saw what I wanted, and what I THOUGHT was best for me; WHO I thought was best for me. But sometimes, that isn’t the case. Sometimes, those who decide to leave you in the most heartless of ways are those who are most beneficial to you as a person. Ironic right?

You see, I look back at all the tears I shed. And all the nights I stayed up crying, and hoping, and wishing. How I blamed everything on myself, and the only person to blame was the other person at the end of the spectrum. I beat myself up over something that I wasn’t deserved of. I took everything I had inside me, and I threw it back at myself. I ended up being toxic to my own self because of someone simply not caring about me like I thought they did.

Now I could go on and on about how hurt I may have been. Or how people aren’t who you think they are. But I’m not going to do that. I spent so long caring, so long looking over someone who just didn’t see it at all. Who still doesn’t see it. And although that’s still the case, my own personal self will not be put on the line for someone who ultimately won’t do the same back.

Because as much as you want to ‘save’ a person. As much as you want to make sure they’re okay, you have to think, “am I destroying myself by doing this?” And in my case, the answer was, and still is, yes.

Sometimes you’ve got to take a step back and let people live their lives for themselves. As much as you want to watch over them. As much as you deeply long to care. Because if they mess up, it’s okay. People mess up. Find comfort in knowing that you’ll be there for them when they’re ready for you love and care, and when you’re ready to give them that.

Bottom line: don’t put yourself on the line for someone who wouldn’t do the same for you. Give that love to someone else, but don’t be heartless about it- nor naive. Find comfort in your own self to know what you want- and most importantly, what you need.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

A reflection on relationships

I am currently sat in a coffee shop huddled in the corner looking at 4 walls.

I feel so comfortable in whatever blurts out from my head so I guess this is going to be a post about something which has been whirling round in my life since June. Something which I have alluded to in a lot of my blog posts, but in which I have never openly come out and talked about in detail.

In some ways, this is my break-up letter. Even though, who writes letters anymore anyway? This is more of a letter of happiness, rather than sadness. I’m done with the whole ‘crying until I fall asleep’ and ‘sleeping in the day just to pass time’ type of emotion which my break-up brought me.

In fact, this is a thank you. A thank you to my break-up. Without it, I don’t think I would be in such a good place right now. I feel like I always get reminded that it’s the hard times that make us human, or that the hard times shape us into who we are today… and this couldn’t be more true today. Sure, there are worse things in life that go on other than break-ups; but they still hurt and they still suck.

I feel like songs constantly talk about break-ups with either emotions of sadness and despair, or the message that says “HEY I HATE MY EX AND THAT’S THAT.” I don’t think I have ever heard a song for a long time that looks back on a break-up with gratitude. I don’t know, does that still make me human? The fact that I’m grateful for someone I once loved leaving me?

Break-ups can bring so many negatives. In many ways, you ask yourself if you really are worthy to let someone into your life and feel loved by another soul again. It’s that stage where you feel utter despair and hopelessness- and I hope to never experience a break-up again in all honesty.

Do I regret my ex relationship? No. I think if I did, I wouldn’t have had the ability to grow or learn. I mean, that’s what relationships are; a sort of journey and hopefully at some point, that journey ends and you’ll settle with someone for the rest of your life. I often look at my parents and admire their relationship. After 19 years of being together, they are still in love and they hardly argue. I hope one day that can be me, but for now I’m just living for the present.

I have never been the sort of person to ‘seek’ a relationship. The idea of me being single totally appeals to me, and I am so happy being independent and single; or independent and in a relationship. But I look back on 2016 and wow, what a learning process it has been. I sure as hell cried a lot, but now those tears have turned into tears of joy and genuine happiness. Into someone who managed to find herself again.

This isn’t a letter of hate, that emotion doesn’t even come into my head anymore when i think of my past relationship. I would rather use this as an opportunity to reflect and be thankful. My break-up made me stronger. It allowed me to grow as an individual and do things I never imagined I would. For instance, my blog was straight up created as a way for me to heal through my break-up. And now, I can proudly say that I have healed. I have healed in more ways than I ever thought I would.

Let like work itself out how it does. Maybe my break-up was a way of the world showing me that I was a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. No matter how many times I get told by the people around me that I am one of the strongest people they’ve ever met, I never used to believe it. Now however, I believe that I am strong enough to conquer anything. Not just break-ups, but my high functioning anxiety that comes with it.

To my ex, thank you. I genuinely hope you’re as happy as I am right now. This isn’t a dig. Or hatred. This is a simple thank you. I hope one day everything I told you about yourself will soon make sense. Find your own potential and just feel alive.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca