Progress: An update

Posted in body positivity, Empowerment, General blog posts, Me & my life, Mental health by itsbeccajayne

I’m going to go out on a limb here and admit that I haven’t felt like I am ‘me’ lately. Now, you may be wondering what that means- and I’ve tried to work that out too. I occasionally get periods in which my mental health deviates, and I often become confused in who I am. It seems to be a question that I’ve asked myself a lot recently, and it that time, I seemed to have lost all meaning of the person who I am.

With that being said, I understand now that my high levels of anxiety come and go. I was confused as to why this happens; as to why my anxiety can be bearable for a few weeks, or even months, and then suddenly go really bad. According to my therapist (we’ll get onto that a bit later), this is totally normal, and it’s opened my eyes up to understanding my mental health more.

Since 2017 started, I’ve had a lot of those ‘unbearable’ moments in which I have become utterly baffled over what’s going on in my head. One minute I seemed to have everything sorted, and the next I can’t seem to calm myself down. However, I am writing this blog post from a perspective of ‘progress.’ The idea that I am sat here writing this now, and can safely say that I feel a lot better in who I am; and that I’m certainly not as confused.

If you follow me on Twitter or Instagram, you may be aware that I have recently joined… and even started the gym. The gym is something in which I wished I had always had the motivation to do; but for so long the idea of going to the gym on my own, and the fear of judgement utterly petrified me. It’s taken a lot for me to motivate myself enough to even join the gym, but here I am and I did it.

I’ve just got home from doing my second session (we’ve all got to start somewhere, right?), and I’m so glad that I took the plunge and realised that this was what I needed. I’m doing this to develop myself. To gain back my confidence. To feel better in myself, and to use the gym as a way to stop me overthinking so much and concentrate my energy on something positive.

I know I have mentioned this in a couple of blog posts recently, but whilst we’re addressing the idea of ‘progress’ I want to reflect on the fact that I have started ‘cognitive behavioural therapy’ and it’s worked wonders for my anxiety. I feel like I understand what goes on in my head more, what triggers certain thoughts, and how to relax myself when I feel the whole world caving in on me. It’s such a calming feeling knowing that I am finally making progress in that area of my mind, and I hope I can come back in a few months and still see this experience as a positive for me and my health.

And above all, I have put one of my most fundamental New Year’s resolutions into action (I don’t normally make resolutions, but based on how last year went for me, this year was an exception for that). I am finally putting myself first, and refuse to let myself be taken down by anyone else’s negativity. This has always been something that I have desired to do, and I feel a lot happier clearing out negative people and energy in my life. It’s like a breath of fresh air, and no matter how much you don’t want to do it at the time, it’s better all round for your own sake. Do not put yourself on the line for someone who just wants to constantly bring you down and doesn’t contribute to your life anymore.

So yeah, that’s about it for this weeks little ‘life update.’ I feel like I have undergone a lot of changes in my life recently, and it’s been so hard to keep up. With my new job, starting the gym, making new friends, it’s been like a crazy rollercoaster of emotions and I (hope) everything is settling down a bit more now. But hey, I did it. I’m still here and I’m extremely excited for the future. Watch this space.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

17Dec2016

Finding yourself

Posted in Empowerment, Me & my life by itsbeccajayne

I feel as though discovering ‘who you are’ is a big obstacle when it comes to life. I have certainly had my doubts in who I am, and I am still progressing even now into the person I want to become.

The thing with life is that there is no right or wrong way of doing things. You kind of just muddle through- and finding yourself can also be a bit like that. I have had many ‘trial and error’ moments where I’ve thought, “wait, this isn’t who I want to be.”

Throughout High School, I was always that kid at the back of the class that hardly talked to anyone, and just stuck to her own group of ‘friends.’ I found friendship especially challenging in my early teenage years, and for the first time in my life, I will openly come out and say that I was subject to months of bullying.

I figured that being mocked and ridiculed for who I was on a daily basis was normal. I put up with it all because I figured that I wasn’t worthy enough to have any ‘proper friends.’ I kind of figured that the people that were worthy of that were the ‘popular ones’- the people with their own cliques, and I ultimately was a shy outsider.

I soon began to realise that I was, and am, worth much more than that. It even got to one point in High School where I would have quite happily moved schools without a trace. I think a lot of what I went through has also contributed to my anxiety. I don’t want to go into anymore detail into what happened exactly- but in some ways, it made me stronger.

You are not a reflection of other people’s perceptions of you, but rather your own. I am a strong believer that finding confidence in yourself is also a fundamental part to becoming who you’re meant to be. If people choose to overlook your positive aspects- then that’s their problem. Honestly, I wish I was as confident in High School as I was in college. I wish I made as many friends in High School as college, and in some ways, I wish I had blossomed into myself sooner.

Although I have changed throughout the past three years, or even six months, I know and understand that there is still a long way to go. I will never be perfect, and that’s okay. I have done and said things that I deeply regret; but would you really be living if you never had those times?

For now, I am in a happy place with myself. It is the most liberating feeling hearing and seeing people from even High School acknowledge that I have changed. I’m not that ‘shy’ and ‘self conscious’ girl that sad quietly at the back of the class anymore. And I may not be the stubborn girl I am now in ten years time. Who knows.

I like to think of this as a sort of journey. If you think you know me, you most probably don’t. I am always changing and improving. I am always working on myself and working on who I am. Sometimes give people a chance though, it’s easy to forget that everyone is still ‘finding themselves’ at some point in their lives.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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My own voice

Posted in Feminism, Me & my life by itsbeccajayne

This is a concept that I have been reflecting upon for a few days now. I often ponder over why I was put onto this Earth. I guess this is also because I’m a strong believer in the idea that everyone has a purpose, but what exactly is mine?

If you have followed my blog over the past few months, you may have noticed that I’m an avid thinker. I think about everything and anything possible. Even the deepest parts of life.

I’ve recently begun to realise that maybe my purpose is my voice. I am not one to let someone silence my own voice. I speak up about equality a lot. Whether that’s gender or race. I also have a strong passion for speaking out regarding mental health illnesses, with reference to my own personal experiences on the topic.

Maybe I have been blessed with my voice FOR a bigger purpose. Important issues are something that needs to be addressed, and something in which I am not scared to speak out on.

Even the smallest things like living your life to the fullest, or about non-judgement is something that is worth speaking out upon. Realistically, my voice isn’t powerful enough to change the world on it’s own. But my voice along with many others has the potential to make a difference, even if it’s a small one.

So this is my voice. Live your life, and God, I can’t emphasise that enough. You’re alive, so let yourself live. We often take life for granted sometimes, even I do. Cherish those around you. DO NOT stop speaking out on things you are passionate about. I genuinely hope that in my lifetime, mental health services would have improved, just like I hope that we can finally achieve, somewhat, of worldwide equality.

I am determined. Even if my voice is spoken through my blog. At least it’s something. Sometimes we have to use our own qualities to make a positive impact in the world around us.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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A mental health chat

Posted in Me & my life, Mental health, Motivation by itsbeccajayne

I don’t think the main issue is me being ‘cured’ as such. When I open up about my anxiety, I openly know and accept that it will always linger and won’t ever go away.

It can get extremely scary sometimes. Being constrained to your own thoughts of utter hopelessness and feeling like the whole world is closing in on you. To be honest, I thought that those feelings were normal a year ago. I thought that it was something everyone went through on a daily basis, and that crying at 1am in the morning over people in my life ‘hating’ me was normal.

I was definitely never as open with my mental illness as I am now. I still struggle to explain to my parents regarding what is going on in my head because I feel like I’m going mad. I mean, how come I think all my friends hate me? How come I believe I’m a burden and no one wants to be around me anymore? It may sound completely irrational, but it’s real to me.

I denied the fact that I had anxiety. I refused to see anyone and get help because I believed that I was just wasting people’s time if i did seek help because obviously, others deserve it more than me. I turned into a train wreck. I turned into someone who I din’t recognise anymore, and that is one of the scariest things I’ve had to endure yet.

It’s not just ‘feeling anxious in public.’ As much as I have those days where I don’t want to leave my house because I feel physically sick at the thought of being in public, it’s a lot more than that. The thing with generalised anxiety disorder is that it’s like everything you imagine anxiety to be, and a whole lot more. I wish people understood that it was a lot more than just feeling ‘on edge’ now and then. Everyone gets anxious. It’s human nature. Anxiety however is more feeling anxious and a whole lot else on top of that.

There are still times where I sit up at 1am in the morning and have to go to the toilet because I feel like I’m going to throw up. The thought of going on a ‘night out’ excites me (don’t get me wrong), but I get extremely anxious before the event. i hate how busy it can get and how trapped I feel. I worry about getting drunk before alcohol has even entered my system. I go over scenarios in my head over how to get out of a ‘night out’ and just run away.

But I don’t run anymore.

I make sure to put myself in the right mindset, and conquer. Defying all odds, I still end up going out. A simple task to many takes me hours of mental preparation to tell myself, “right, go out for your friends and have a good time.” My anxiety may be my mental illness, but it won’t be my downfall.

It can’t be cured. I can imagine myself even now starting my new apprenticeship and getting worried and stressed over having to interact with new people and to try to not mess anything up. It’ll always be an annoying linger, but it’s going to have to be an annoying linger that I come to terms with how to control. And my down and off days? I will face them head on. Because it’s okay to have those days, and it’s okay to have days where you don’t want to leave the house. It’s okay because in some ways, them days can make you even more determined for when you conquer those fears.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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A letter to myself

Posted in General blog posts, Me & my life by itsbeccajayne

I think we sometimes forget how short life actually is. It seems like people tel me all the time to make the most of my life while I’m 18 because it simply flies by.

I’m the sort of person who likes to live without any regrets. t’s pretty ironic for someone who seems to dwell over certain situations and over analyse their outcomes, but I don’t think there can be a more accurate life philosophy.

Good or bad, everything you do and everything that happens to you happens for a reason. I’m a strong believer in this and I think this is one of the most powerful factors when it comes to me not living life with constant regret.

I hope I can look back on my life in 50 years and think “Wow.” To be honest with you, I don’t even know what career path I want to choose for certain yet. I;m honestly just living. I’m young. I have so many years left, and for the moment I’m ticking things off my bucket list that I have aspired to do for so long.

I don’t know if I’m typing this out rapidly on my keyboard at 12am because I’m running on 4 hours of sleep and I’m exhausted. But honestly, just live. I think we all forget that we are simply alive and we are made to live. We are made to experience all angles of life, and sometimes they can be more beneficial to us than we first think.

I can’t, and won;t, sit here and say I haven’t made mistakes. I’m human, there’s going to be times when I mess up and beat myself up for it. But sometimes we dwell on mistakes too long and spend our lives stuck in the past instead of the here and now. Everything that has happened in my past has been a learning curve for me. People have had it worse than me, but I have still had my own unique learning experiences that I like to turn into a positive.

The main message that I want to send myself is to just feel alive. Embrace your flaws and mistakes. Make the most f every moment. Every laughter, every tear, every experience good or bad. But with that, stay true. Stay humble and kind throughout. As well as making myself proud in 50 years time, I hope I make the people around me proud too.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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You don’t have an endless amount of time

Posted in General blog posts, Me & my life, Motivation by itsbeccajayne

As dark and depressing as this may sound, I often sit there and reflect on the concept of death. About how I can make my life the best life it can be before I die. I am more than aware that life is not endless and I don’t have forever to live, so I am a strong believer in making the most of it while I’m here and while I can. I also mentioned this in my blog post on When I die.

I plan to make the most out of life, and that includes making the most of the people I love and care about the most around me. Just like you don’t live forever, neither do the people around you. A few years ago, I lost my best friend and the person I was closest to above everyone else in this world (my grandma). That’s when this concept really started to hit me and I became intrigued with the idea of making the most of people around you while they’re still here.

If you’re mad at someone for some small issue, resolve it. Forgive, and move on. In my experience, life is too short to make enemies and continue to feud with someone over something which simply won’t matter when you die. If you’re going through a hard and stressful time in your life at the moment, it’s okay. Look forward. You have so many more years left to offer this world, and so many more years to make some amazing memories which will stay with you and others.

The fact of the matter is that some things simply don’t matter. In fact, one of my most favourite pieces from Milk and Honey explores this idea really well. Your job, Where you’re sitting. At the end of the day, none of that matters. Look and seek the most important things; love, human connection, forgiveness. Trust me when I say this, you will be such a happier person for it.

A lot of people tend to question me on why I forgive, or why I try to make effort with people when they may hate me. But at the end of the day, life is too short to not take those opportunities. That person who I’m fretting over hating me could actually be an okay person. That person who requires forgiveness may have been going through a rough time to cause their actions. Forgiving and forgetting are two separate ideas; and forgiveness isn’t naive.

I don’t have a life philosophy for the fun of it. I don’t sit here and blog about positivity because I want to be some inspirational speaker that thinks we live in a world with unicorns and rainbows (although that would be pretty cool). If that’s how you perceive my blog, then that couldn’t be further from the truth. I blog about these kind of things because life is too short to not strive for them. Because life is too short to not seize opportunities, rekindle lost loves if you really want to, or to not live your life exactly how you want. You are in control of your life, no one else.

People aren’t around forever. If you want to try and get someone, go for it. If you want to wear clothes that are unique but make you feel good, go for it. If you want to tattoo your whole body, go for it. Yeah, people may judge. But at the end of the day, what do you want from life?

One of my biggest fears is living life in regret. In wishing that I applied for a ‘dream job’ when I got the chance. In not being with who I’m meant to be with because I was too stubborn to be honest when it comes to my feelings. In letting myself down, and those around me. In being a failure to myself and I certainly don’t plan on that.

My main message that I hope comes from this rambling piece of 1am writing is that life doesn’t last forever. Some things are too insignificant in this world to be fretting over and sometimes our stubborn personalities can take over us sometimes, and that’s okay (trust me, I’m so incredibly stubborn). But it’s never too late to forgive. It’s never too late to rekindle the relationship of the person you love the most and you feel you’re meant to be with. It’s never too late to change your outlook and mindset on life, and it’s never too late to start living and feel alive.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Does life need to be so complicated?

Posted in Empowerment, Motivation, relationships by itsbeccajayne

I feel like I constantly allude to this all the tine. The idea that life seems so complicated, but when we take a step back and completely strip life down.. is it really?

I feel as though life being complicated is a very personal thing. As humans, we can naturally make situations complicated as well as societal expectations also playing a part. For example, relationships. I have always said this, but some people who love each other aren’t together, and some people who don’t love each other are together. That’s the sad reality of it all. We sometimes seem to make excuses as to why we “can’t” be together with someone but if you really think about it, people can find a way to be together and make it work. I don’t know, maybe I’m very idealistic.

I am living in this very liberating mindset at the moment of “just do it.” In fact, it seems to be my life motto at the moment. I wanted my tattoo for months and as soon as I was 18 I thought, “what’s stopping me?” and got it. I’ve wanted to travel to Leeds for so long, and I finally had an opportunity to go. I wanted to make excuses when it came to not going but I thought, “why not?” and ended up having the best time. I go on spontaneous days out because I can.

Everyone seems to tell me to enjoy my life at 18, and trust me, that’s exactly what I am doing. I feel like my life starts now and there’s no point in complicating things and making excuses as to why I won’t fulfill something I’ve wanted to for so long.

Ever since I’ve decluttered my life, I have felt a lot happier, and I’m pretty sure the people closest to me has seen that change in me too. When you think about it, you have this amazing life in front of you just waiting to be written- and you can write your story however you want. You can either live life complicating things and live in regret, or you can just do things because you can. Determination.

If you take anything away from this post, I hope you reflect on life in general and where you’re going. I hope you ask yourself, “is this really what I want?” and if it isn’t, fix it. Things are never as bad as they seem, and you can honestly get through anything. Write your story and make it pretty damn amazing because you deserve nothing less.

In some ways, complications are the product of a humans personal choice. We always have a choice, and we always have chance to change things if we wish. Sometimes it’s not easy. Being in love with someone who doesn’t love you, isn’t easy. Trying to reach for your dream job and getting knocked back so many times that you begin to loose hope isn’t easy. But keep fighting. You’ll find a way to get there in the end.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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1Oct2016

Why my anxiety will never win

Posted in Me & my life, Mental health, Motivation by itsbeccajayne

It’s not a secret that I have anxiety. Hi, yes I panic over people hating me, my friends not wanting to be my friends, and being a burdern to everyone in my life. Sounds dark when I put it like that, but it isn’t. I’m happy and positive 95% of the time.

As completely irrational as it may sound to someone who has never had mental health issues before, it’s like constantly living with a ‘linger.’ It’s going to sleep happy you’ve had a ‘good day’ with low anxiety levels, and then waking up the next day and for some reason having a ‘bad day.’

When I talk about my anxiety, I am normally open about the thoughts and feelings that ferociously overflow my mind. As dark and depressing as it may sound, I live my life in the fear of people hating me. I could say something, and beat myself up over it for a good 3 days afterwards. I could worry about being alone and having no one whilst I have an amazing support group of people that surround me.

I recently had an encounter which made me extremely anxious. One thing I hate is being stared at and ridiculed, which happened to me recently and left my anxiety sky high. Although many people may have either brushed this off, or approached the person responsible and started an argument; this event left me house bound for 2 days. I had to drag myself out of the house on the following Tuesday. I was so displaced in who I was that I began to believe that I deserved to be mocked and humiliated- when I clearly don’t. The reason why I was put in that uncomfortable position is still a mystery to me, but it was the effects after what happened which triggered my anxiety to the worst point it’s been (probably ever).

When it comes to my anxious thoughts, I take comfort in a ‘safe place’ where I can talk to someone and let my thoughts and feelings out in complete confidence. Although my ‘safe place’ is no longer around, I have created my own ‘safe place’ in myself with a general plan of what to do when my anxiety reaches frightening points and I simply feel hopeless.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a blog post on my new semi colon tattoo. In all honesty, my tattoo has helped act as a personal reminder that my story is not ready to end. Shoutout to my anxiety- you will not win. Although I reach points of such hopelessness, separation and displacement; my high anxious times normally pass. I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, and sometimes being reminded of that helps me realise that my anxiety and my anxious thoughts don’t deserve to impact so much on my health and it’s all about control.

As completely absurd as this may seem to someone who struggles with anxiety like me, I now also put myself in purposeful anxious positions to show myself that I can do it. When I am in the right frame of mind, I become determined enough to order my own food, go out on my own, go to events by myself or even silly things like walking down a busy street and turning round to go in a different direction. When this blog post goes up, I’ll be at the Bloggers Blog Award event on my own. I would never have done that 3 months ago.

My anxiety does not difine me. It’s as simple as that. Ironically, I am a pretty happy and positive person. Just because my brain is wired differently compared to other people doesn’t suddenly mean that I am dark and depressed all the time. Because the reality is, I’m not. I am finally at a point where I’m understanding my mental health. Where I am ready to say “HI ANXIETY YOU WILL NOT WIN,” but also accept that it’s okay if I have a ‘bad day’ because it’s going to happen. Where I have finally plucked up the courage to admit that I need help in order to help keep my anxiety under control (yes, after months of waiting and years of putting it off after fear, I have finally been referred to a mental health clinic). Small, but positive steps… right?

My anxiety will always be there in some shape or form. The sad thing about mental health illnesses, is that they don’t just disappear. It will always linger, and it will always be a constant battle. Just because I seem happy one day doesn’t automatically mean that the thoughts of hopelessness and the fear of people completely hating me just don’t go away like magic. But who I fundamentally am and my personality will always be bigger and a more dominant part of me than my anxiety. Because I’ve accepted that I can suffer from anxiety, and love making friends. I can suffer from anxiety, and still be independent. My mental health will not replace the fundamental qualities of who I am.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Want 20% off your order at Coconut-Lane? Use the code ‘beccajayne20’ at the checkout to redeem…. go on! Why not treat yourself?

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Connect:

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Feel free to drop me a tweet etc xo

21Sep2016

Don’t apologise for who you are

Posted in Empowerment, Me & my life, Mental health, Motivation by itsbeccajayne

This seems like such a bold statement, and in some ways, it is. You are a human being, and you shouldn’t be defined by expectations. Embrace your uniqueness and quirkiness and don’t apologise to anyone who puts that down.

Embrace who you are, and who you’re becoming. It’s such a learning process, and it deserves to be shouted about- not neglected. I am not for one minute suggesting that you shouldn’t apologise for malicious actions of wrongdoing- that’s a whole other topic.

When it comes down to it, if everyone was the same the world would be so boring. I feel as though we seem to make this point all the time, but it’s incredibly accurate. We live in a world with a mixture of wonderful human beings. Each with their own unique souls and traits. For one quality you hold, someone else lacks and vise versa. I don’t know about you, but that makes your qualities you do hold even more special. There’s no one else like you in this world.

And if someone makes you apologise for who you are, then make them apologise. Make them apologise for making you feel any less than worthy of existing in your own skin. If someone tells you to stop laughing, laugh harder. If someone asks you why you’re always happy, throw your positive vibes in their face. For every one thing that someone dislikes about you, someone else adores. You’re pretty rad, I’ll give you that.

There will always be people that may dislike you, and that’s okay. You could be the kindest, most compassionate person, and still have people dislike you and what you’re about. Let them. Use that as motivation to be yourself even more. You are who you are, and if anyone shames that, then they are not worth your precious time. If someone doesn’t give you the time of day to flaunt your incredible personality, then that’s their loss. For someone who constantly lets people’s false perceptions of myself get to me, I’ve realised it’s not worth it. Find enough confidence within yourself to tell yourself, “I’m actually a pretty decent human being.” (You’re most likely right with that point).

When it comes to myself, I often apologise for who I am and for things which are simply out of my control. I have slowly began to realise that I simply shouldn’t.

I am at a point in my own self right now where I am confident and happy in who I am, and who I’m becoming most importantly. My little life philosophy consists of simply being a good, nice person, and I will never apologise for that. I’ve set myself personal goals of who I want to be, and what I want to achieve; and although I may fail at that sometimes, the ambition never wavers. I am who I am. And I am who I’m becoming.

On the mental health side of things, I shouldn’t have to apologise for that either. I shouldn’t have to and will not apologise for having a panic attack, or high anxious moments because it happens. It’s out of my control, and it can’t be helped.

Overall, ‘you’ is pretty amazing. Wear it. Flaunt it. Shout it from the roof tops. Strive to do better and be better, but don’t apologise in the process. You are totally fine and wonderful exactly as you are and that deserves to be reminded more. I’m not some girl saying this for the sake of it. It genuinely upsets me how many glorious people are around who simply don’t realise it. That one is for you reading this. I believe there is good in everyone, and that includes you.