Why I hate modern day dating

It’s been a while since I have done a ‘relationships’ themed blog post, but something has been stuck on my mind on repeat for a few weeks now which has to have it’s own escape.

It’s no secret that I suck when it comes to boys. I don’t know if it’s because I’m so stubborn that I would rather ‘keep myself to myself’ rather than let a boy even talk to me, or because I simply don’t believe anyone could be genuinely interested in me.

But you know, on them odd occasions where I do let someone in, the whole dating / texting thing annoys the shit out of me. All the games. How nothing is as simple as, “Hey, want to go for coffee sometime?” I like straight to the point. I like people who show interest because I always think the opposite.

Sure, the chase is fun. I like being able to chase someone, and have someone chase me. Dating is a game at the end of the day, but do I really want to play it? The fact that it is almost ‘forbidden’ to text someone back straight away because you’re seen as ‘too keen.’ Nah, I just happened to have my phone on me at the time. Just like if I don’t text you back after 3 hours, I was probably busy living my life.

Everything is so casual. It takes a lot for me to admit I like someone in that way (mainly because I’m too independent and stubborn for my own good), but when I do- it’s just another game. God forbid you text someone for weeks on end and you’re not allowed to have feelings. God forbid that you spend your time on texting someone, when at the end of it all, you’re the ‘crazy’ one for catching feelings- because it’s just harmless fun, right? It feels like dating is a mockery and it utterly angers me how people are shamed so much.

Look at break-ups for example. I seemed to have ‘forgotten’ that even though I got cheated on and hurt, I can’t actually show any emotion. I mean why do people hurt after break-ups anyway- just move on. Lol. That was clearly sarcastic, but you get my point. Let yourself fucking hurt, and then let yourself heal into a better person. And I am not ashamed that I have done just that. So fuck you to anyone who watched me hurt and rolled their eyes. Who cares? We’re all just emotionless robots, aren’t we? *rolls eyes.*

Well, it inspired this blog so there’s that.

And I guess that’s why I hate dating / talking / texting / anything relationship orientated. I . just . can’t . do . it . The pathetic games, the laughs when you get hurt. It all doesn’t seem worth it to loose myself in the process. Maybe I’m too stubborn. Maybe I’ll die single. But I’d rather be single then be caught up in constant games.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Am I ashamed?

I really should be sleeping instead of writing this blog post as I have work early tomorrow morning (oops), however I felt so inspired so decided to grab my laptop quick and write about something that has been bugging me for a while. I never knew how to express this ‘thing that’s been bugging me’ until now, and in some ways I still don’t. This post will have no structure whatsoever, but there’s some things that I desperately need to get off my chest for my own sake. So here it goes (warning: there may be a bit of rambling, but who doesn’t love a good ol’ rambled post, eh?)

A lot of things have changed drastically in my life over the past couple of months or so, and things still seem to be rapidly changing as we speak. From friends, to what I do in my free time, to handling my mental health, even to me as a person. I don’t take well to change, which I guess is why I feel so encouraged in myself to write this blog post.

You see, one thing I seem to ask myself a lot is if I’m ashamed in myself. If I deserve to beat myself up over certain things, if I made the right decisions. Obviously with having generalised anxiety, it makes the whole process of figuring this out a lot harder, but I finally came to a conclusion. I live my life for myself with the intention of also putting others first unless it is toxic to me. If something is making me feel sad, or uncomfortable, or just doesn’t feel right anymore; then I have to stop beating myself up over making decisions for myself. Sometimes it doesn’t make me selfish, rather stop me from self destroying.

And then I think about the person I am becoming, and the choices I’ve made. You see, the things is, I always try to make the best decision and put others first. But that realistically is not always going to happen. I’ve said this before, but I have to make myself make mistakes sometimes so I can learn from them; and most importantly, grow.

And that’s another thing I want to address in this post, I am 18 years old. I am by no means experienced in anything in life, nor do I claim to be. I suck at relationships, and break-ups and talking to boys in general; but that’s because I’m still yet to grow. I make immature decisions and look back on them and think, “Really Becca? So mature.” But I’m growing. – And I’m not using this whole ‘growth’ thing as some sort of excuse either. That’s the beauty about living, is watching yourself grow due to your past self.

At the end of the day, I am not going to be exactly the same now as the person I’ll be in 10 years. Nor am I  exactly the same as I was even a year ago. I am developing for the better every day, and I want to work hard to get to who I want to be. I want to make people proud, and make myself proud. I don’t want to make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past. I want to look back on this blog post in 10-30 years and think, “I did it.”

So, going back to the question at the start of this post. Am I ashamed? In myself? In who I am? In who I’m becoming? Not at all. Because to me, being ashamed is looking at myself in a negative light. I don’t want to move backwards, rather forwards. I want to make a positive impact on myself, and those around me. I want to always do better, and be better. And for the majority of the past year, I’ve done just that. But everything takes time, and sometimes we just need to be patient with ourselves.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

Why I delayed going to university

Oh university. I feel like all my friends are currently having the time of their lives (or maybe not who knows?) at university at the moment. Considering most of my friends went onto higher education, and some are living away, I often regret not going to university straight after college, but at the same time know that it was the right decision for me.

To be honest, I didn’t fully know what I wanted to do with my life until a couple of months ago, and I still don’t know if I do. But at the time of the ‘university application process,’ it just did not interest me at all. At the end of the day, university is a lot of money to spend on education if you’re not 100% set on what you want to do. It’s hard, and it’s certainly a big decision.

As well as not knowing what I wanted to study, I also put off going to university because I don’t think I am fully ready to go yet. I am 18, and I want to live my life a little bit before I truly commit to something that I passionately want to do for the rest of my life. Go out, get drunk, socialise with friends, make memories, experience lots of amazing things.

I also wanted to get experience in various jobs before I went to university. I’ve really worked on improving my CV over the past year, and I want to experience a job environment before I step into the big wide world. I am a strong believer in making the most of life while you can and cherishing every moment, something in which I can proudly say I have done over the past year or so.

However, none of this means to say that I will never go to university. In fact, I have my sights set on looking at a few different universities over the next year (yes, I desperately want to move away and use university as a ‘new chapter’ in my life). At the moment, I am looking at studying digital marketing whenever I go to university, as it’s basically everything that I enjoy doing. Blogging. Social media promotion. I want to study something when I’m ready, but for now, I want to continue enjoying being young. And hey, who knows if this ‘gap year’ turns into ‘5 gap years,’ but I certainly am optimistic and looking forward to the future.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

Progress: An update

I’m going to go out on a limb here and admit that I haven’t felt like I am ‘me’ lately. Now, you may be wondering what that means- and I’ve tried to work that out too. I occasionally get periods in which my mental health deviates, and I often become confused in who I am. It seems to be a question that I’ve asked myself a lot recently, and it that time, I seemed to have lost all meaning of the person who I am.

With that being said, I understand now that my high levels of anxiety come and go. I was confused as to why this happens; as to why my anxiety can be bearable for a few weeks, or even months, and then suddenly go really bad. According to my therapist (we’ll get onto that a bit later), this is totally normal, and it’s opened my eyes up to understanding my mental health more.

Since 2017 started, I’ve had a lot of those ‘unbearable’ moments in which I have become utterly baffled over what’s going on in my head. One minute I seemed to have everything sorted, and the next I can’t seem to calm myself down. However, I am writing this blog post from a perspective of ‘progress.’ The idea that I am sat here writing this now, and can safely say that I feel a lot better in who I am; and that I’m certainly not as confused.

If you follow me on Twitter or Instagram, you may be aware that I have recently joined… and even started the gym. The gym is something in which I wished I had always had the motivation to do; but for so long the idea of going to the gym on my own, and the fear of judgement utterly petrified me. It’s taken a lot for me to motivate myself enough to even join the gym, but here I am and I did it.

I’ve just got home from doing my second session (we’ve all got to start somewhere, right?), and I’m so glad that I took the plunge and realised that this was what I needed. I’m doing this to develop myself. To gain back my confidence. To feel better in myself, and to use the gym as a way to stop me overthinking so much and concentrate my energy on something positive.

I know I have mentioned this in a couple of blog posts recently, but whilst we’re addressing the idea of ‘progress’ I want to reflect on the fact that I have started ‘cognitive behavioural therapy’ and it’s worked wonders for my anxiety. I feel like I understand what goes on in my head more, what triggers certain thoughts, and how to relax myself when I feel the whole world caving in on me. It’s such a calming feeling knowing that I am finally making progress in that area of my mind, and I hope I can come back in a few months and still see this experience as a positive for me and my health.

And above all, I have put one of my most fundamental New Year’s resolutions into action (I don’t normally make resolutions, but based on how last year went for me, this year was an exception for that). I am finally putting myself first, and refuse to let myself be taken down by anyone else’s negativity. This has always been something that I have desired to do, and I feel a lot happier clearing out negative people and energy in my life. It’s like a breath of fresh air, and no matter how much you don’t want to do it at the time, it’s better all round for your own sake. Do not put yourself on the line for someone who just wants to constantly bring you down and doesn’t contribute to your life anymore.

So yeah, that’s about it for this weeks little ‘life update.’ I feel like I have undergone a lot of changes in my life recently, and it’s been so hard to keep up. With my new job, starting the gym, making new friends, it’s been like a crazy rollercoaster of emotions and I (hope) everything is settling down a bit more now. But hey, I did it. I’m still here and I’m extremely excited for the future. Watch this space.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

New beginnings

I have recently said and done some things that I deeply regret. In all honesty, I’ve spent the last 24 hours beating myself up about those things. I’m the sort of person who completely hates drama, or arguments, or anything in between; but I always seem to find myself getting involved in them… head first… at 50 mph without meaning to.

So what am I going to do about it? What am I going to do to try to sort all this out in my own head and give myself some peace for once? I decided to tackle this by writing it all down here, in this blog post. Because the fact of the matter is that I will make mistakes. I will do things that I regret. I’ll sit there and think, “come on Becca, just stop.” I’ll just start again.

I am far from perfect. I don’t ever claim to be, and I don’t ever claim to have everything in check all the time. I don’t think I would be human if I did everything right. I have feelings, and sometimes feelings and emotion can get the better of me (as much as I try not to let it).

I want to leave the past in the past so incredibly much, yet something always seems to happen to bring it back to present day. It’s like something that I can’t seem to get rid of, and it worms it’s way back in. One thing after another. Constantly.

I vowed that 2017 would be a year of new beginnings. Motivation. Practice. Peace. And looking after myself first and foremost for once ! And in most ways, that has been the case. I am incredibly proud and humbled with everything that I have achieved this year already- and I am incredibly proud of being able to acknowledge what, and who, is good or bad for my health.

But like I said, I can’t be in check all the time. If someone claims to be perfect all the time and never admits to making mistakes, don’t believe them. It is a basic human trait. You have to make mistakes, to learn. You have to regret things, to vow never to do them again. You have to mess up sometimes so you can bounce back as a stronger and better you.

I feel like I am constantly screaming over who I am. I feel constantly misunderstood, or judged like people know the background reasoning behind my actions. Why I do things. Why I say things. When in all honesty, I don’t think even I have an explanation regarding some of my actions. If you think you know me, you most probably don’t; even I’m still trying to work that part out. But my mistakes do not make me a bad person. They do not undermine the fundamental factors about myself that I seem to want to embrace the most. They do not define me.

I am brave enough to sit here and admit to my mistakes. To look back at actions that I regret and realise why I messed up that one time. But here’s to new beginnings. Here’s to my new job, my new friends, starting the gym. Here’s to recovery and looking after my own mental health first and foremost. And you know what? Here’s to embracing who I am; despite all my mistakes. Because I’m human, and I’m proud of not claiming otherwise.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

An update on everything ‘life’

I pondered over whether or not I wanted to write all this and publish it on here, but I also came to the conclusion that my blog was created as my own little space to write whatever I wanted, so here I am.

To be honest, I thought I would miss a blog post upload this week- or even a few. I have been so stressed out lately, so wrapped up in emotions, that I have completely deteriorated myself again. I decided to take a step back from everything and everyone for a while (as much as I hate doing this), so me writing this blog post right now is pretty much a miracle.

If you have been reading my blog since September (ish), you’ll be aware that I was referred for ‘cognitive behavioural therapy’ for my anxiety. At the time of my referral, it felt like I was screaming out for some sort of help and support. Some things are hard to cope with on your own, and at the time, I was finding it extra difficult. Anyway, 5 months on (yes, the waiting list was meant to be 9 weeks BUT), I finally have my appointment and I begin therapy next week.

I have recently seen myself become fragmented when it comes to those around me. I don’t feel like I’m ‘me’ at the moment, and I have certainly lost all energy to go out and socialise with friends. It feels like I’m in that bubble again, but I am pushing myself slowly but surely. I am going to the gym tomorrow, and I am trying to get out of the house as much as possible.

As I feel myself going backwards again, I feel like the phone call about my therapy appointment came at the perfect time. It feels like I’m ‘sticking it out’ until next Wednesday and I’m trying so incredibly hard to stay calm, positive and healthy.

Because of this, I have taken myself away from most social media sites for a while, at least. A little ‘me’ time. A time for me to regroup and find myself again if you like. I am an avid believer that as amazing as social media is, and as supportive as it can be, sometimes it can be unhealthy for the mind and taking a step back from it sometimes isn’t necessarily a bad thing. (Ironic seen as I’m looking at studying digital marketing at university next year but that’s another topic for another day).

But, these past few weeks have also had a ton of positives. I got a new job !!!! I am trying out new things, and broadening my horizons as they say, and I feel like this job is the perfect opportunity for that. I am extremely overwhelmed at myself for having the confidence to go to an interview, smash it, and come out with a contracted job with an okay pay. Onwards and upwards.

I feel like my life is changing again, and I have noticed that I get to my worst points when this happens. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t take well to change, or to life going in a different direction than planned; but I think taking time out to myself, starting my new job, and starting therapy again will work out for the positive in the end.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

A life change

You are in control of your own life. Your own desires. Your future. Who belongs in your life, and who doesn’t.

I was back thinking again the other day, and I especially reflected on how my life has changed dramatically since this time last year. Some people I was friends with last year, I am no longer friends with; and the people who I am friends with now, I wasn’t friends with a year ago. To me, it’s crazy how drastically things can change and who you thought would stay in your life, simply hasn’t.

I’ve also thought about my own ‘change.’ As much as I am a strong believer that at the end of the day, most people don’t end up totally changing, I’ll call my own transition over the past year or so simply ‘growing up.’ Things have happened, that have made me stronger. My mindset has improved. My outlook on things have improved. I will no longer settle being around people who make me feel less than good enough. (You can read more on this in my post about putting myself first).

I think at the beginning, people saw this transition as shocking and in some ways, that says it all. It was almost like the people who were taking me for granted, suddenly didn’t know what to do. Almost like they couldn’t control me anymore, and I’m so glad I let those people go.

I am an overly sensitive person. I constantly pressure myself to be liked by everyone, when in reality, that simply is impossible. I don’t take people leaving very well, and I certainly haven’t over the past year. But I have begun to slowly realise that those who do not want to be a part of my life, are not worthy of being in my life. That I should start to cherish those more who want to be around me, rather than those who tear me down.

And as for my own personality, I feel like I have almost ‘blossomed.’ The only way I can describe it as is, “I don’t care anymore.” I am me. I am loud. I talk way too much. I ramble and get deep about things that probably don’t need to be talked about. I have strong political views on equality, and life in general, and I like to express that!! (That explanation mark was clearly used as a “take that” to anyone who can’t handle that about me). But you know what?? I am real. I am happy expressing who I am. I don’t want to hide who I am anymore. And if people like me, then that’s great. And if they don’t, then that’s also okay… I am not going to be everyone’s cup of tea and ! that ! is ! fine !

To anyone who knew me a year ago; I am still the same Becca. Just better. Improved. More confident and empowered. The person inside me has not changed. I have just grown and found myself more and more.

To the amazing people who are still around, and still cherish me as a human being, thank you. To anyone who left my life for the better, thank you. It is because of each and every single person in my life (those present now, or those who have left), that I am sat here with the biggest smile on my face writing this. And I can proudly say- this is me.

I also made a YouTube video discussing this a bit more in detail if you are interested. Thank you for reading / watching. Enjoy.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

I’m a deep thinker. Here’s why.

I have had this blog post idea roaming around in my head for some time now. On Christmas Eve, I was actually in this pub and someone said something to me that really stood out and seemed to make everything about me and who I am fall into place.

I got told that I was a deep thinker and that I should cherish having that quality. As much as I am aware that I am a ‘deep’ and ‘preachy’ person as it is, it was overwhelming to see someone admire that quality about me. I think I was actually talking about something as simple as why I’m not studying at university yet, and it really caught me off guard in a good way.

I also got told to not let boys mess me around. As much as I’m a deep thinker, I am also extremely sensitive, and don’t take relationships, break-ups or anything to do with boys well at all. Am I a girl or a potato? Really? But it was another thing that stood out to me. It was as if everything that has happened in my life over the past year had a sort of conclusion and end result. I used to believe that I deserved everything I went through in my break-up last year, and it made me realise, “wait. I’m better than this.”

I’ll probably never meet the person who told me this again. But I know that it’s advice that I will take with me in everything I do in life. Whether that’s now at 18, or when I’m 40 and probably still single with about 10 cats, a box of oreos and a brew.

I now know that my whole view of the world, and the people within it, should be embraced and I shouldn’t be ashamed of who I am. This is me, and I’m flippin’ happy with that.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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A conclusion

So here it goes.

I don’t know what I want to title this post, or if it will even be published for the whole world to see on the internet. But for now, this is going to be a post that comes from one of the deepest parts of emotion. A post which is probably a conclusion to everything I have been writing since July. Probably one of the most emotional, and personal blog posts yet.

I never like to keep anything secret on my blog. This is a little corner for me to express everything I want to, without me needing to sugarcoat anything. Everything is real, and is a reflection of who I am and my life.

The truth is that I once loved someone who meant a great deal to me. Someone who meant more to me than I ever anticipated, and as cliche as it sounds, was probably my first love. I have recently found out something about that relationship that somehow seemed to make sense. I was lied to. Stuff went on behind my back. It was that sort of relationship that I look back on where I can’t seem to distinguish what was real and what was totally fake anymore.

I think you can all understand what I am alluding to in this post, and although for so long I thought it did happen, it’s real now that I have had assurance of my thoughts.

Do I hate my ex who lied to me for three months? Probably not. The thing with me is that I seem to see the good in everyone, and that can be annoying- especially at times like this. Am I hurting? Probably not anymore. Did I cry? No.

You see, this isn’t a blog post full of hatred and sadness at all. In fact, it’s simply a conclusion to my story which I have been writing about for 6 months now. Sometimes one person can love another more than they receive back. Sometimes it’s moments like this that make you realise, “Wait. I am stronger than this.” I am.

You’d think cheating would break a person, and in some ways it can do.But the truth is, you were always good enough- and always will be. Just because another human doesn’t see that, doesn’t mean you should degrade yourself. Blessings happen, and this was one of them. Someone will come along who is worthy of my love. Soon.

I’m not going to “expose” my ex, or even tell him I hate him. I don’t, and I think that says it all. He’s living his life, and I’m living mine. I have never been so happy in my life, and I think this situation is living proof of just how much of a better place I am in.

So there we have it. All my current thoughts written in one rambling blog post that just so happens to have a more positive outcome than it may first seem. Some people are simply in your life for life experience, and valuable experience at that.

Stay positive and know your worth. You are not a reflection of other people’s actions against you, nor should you put yourself down for simply being yourself. Don’t regret loving someone who didn’t deserve you in the first place, but also don’t be afraid to love someone again. Someone, somewhere, admires every single little thing about you and would do anything to cherish that. Whether that exists now, or in ten years. You’ve got this- you’re strong, and independent, and I have all faith in you. In fact, I have all faith in myself.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

note: this post was written purely for my own mental benefit. I don’t have any form of hatred towards any parties ever involved, and never could have. Live your life by staying humble and true to your own morals. x

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Being happy and single

I’ve been wanting to write a post like this for so long. After the amazing feedback from my ‘why I’m happy and confident being single’ post, I decided to elaborate more on my own experiences of single life and why I’m happy just as I am.

Being single can be a tricky thing. I have friends who physically hate being single, and that’s totally fine. We all handle break ups and relationships in general differently.

From my experience, I’m happy being single because it has given me room to grow. I recently touched on this post in my ‘A reflection on relationships’ post. I have never been one to ever ‘seek’ a relationship, because I simply don’t need one. I find my own independence in my own space on my own, and I find myself more comfortable that way sometimes.

Honestly, my relationship status right now is 100% dedicated to me, and me only. That’s not in a selfish way- but more of a self development way. I have just come out of college from studying A Levels, and I have this whole crazy world right in front of me that I am so eager to explore by myself.

At this point in my life, I couldn’t imagine a relationship so I sort of count my lucky stars that I am single all in all. I am 18 years old. I am still young. Sure, life passes quickly, but you also have to live your life for yourself sometimes. I truly respect those who are in a committed relationship at my age, because I am super busy now as it is- never mind with a relationship as well.

This is a post to demonstrate that being single is totally okay and healthy, just like being in a relationship can be. I acknowledge that a lot of people find it hard being single, but use this as a time to grow in yourself. I have begun to learn the hard way that your longest commitment is yourself only so you may as well cherish this life.

When I am meant to be in a relationship again, it will happen. My friends often try to set me up with some guy, or ask about someone I will be speaking to at the time; but none of it appeals to me right now. I always wondered what type of ‘relationship’ person I am. Whether me only getting into my first relationship at 17 was a reflection of me being a ‘late bloomer’ and ‘ugly’ or if it was more because I was picky. I have realised that I am picky, and that’s totally okay too.

Relationships are human nature, and of course we all get into them now and again. But in the ‘interval’ sections as I will name it, I have found that looking after yourself and exploring life is extremely rewarding. Plus, it means you can tick things off your bucket list.

Life life for yourself. Whether that’s being single, or in a relationship. I don’t know the main meaning of this post, but I think it may be something to do with me trying to get my head around if it’s normal to be this happy and calm being single. I have now discovered that it’s totally okay.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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