Progress: An update


I’m going to go out on a limb here and admit that I haven’t felt like I am ‘me’ lately. Now, you may be wondering what that means- and I’ve tried to work that out too. I occasionally get periods in which my mental health deviates, and I often become confused in who I am. It seems to be a question that I’ve asked myself a lot recently, and it that time, I seemed to have lost all meaning of the person who I am.

With that being said, I understand now that my high levels of anxiety come and go. I was confused as to why this happens; as to why my anxiety can be bearable for a few weeks, or even months, and then suddenly go really bad. According to my therapist (we’ll get onto that a bit later), this is totally normal, and it’s opened my eyes up to understanding my mental health more.

Since 2017 started, I’ve had a lot of those ‘unbearable’ moments in which I have become utterly baffled over what’s going on in my head. One minute I seemed to have everything sorted, and the next I can’t seem to calm myself down. However, I am writing this blog post from a perspective of ‘progress.’ The idea that I am sat here writing this now, and can safely say that I feel a lot better in who I am; and that I’m certainly not as confused.

If you follow me on Twitter or Instagram, you may be aware that I have recently joined… and even started the gym. The gym is something in which I wished I had always had the motivation to do; but for so long the idea of going to the gym on my own, and the fear of judgement utterly petrified me. It’s taken a lot for me to motivate myself enough to even join the gym, but here I am and I did it.

I’ve just got home from doing my second session (we’ve all got to start somewhere, right?), and I’m so glad that I took the plunge and realised that this was what I needed. I’m doing this to develop myself. To gain back my confidence. To feel better in myself, and to use the gym as a way to stop me overthinking so much and concentrate my energy on something positive.

I know I have mentioned this in a couple of blog posts recently, but whilst we’re addressing the idea of ‘progress’ I want to reflect on the fact that I have started ‘cognitive behavioural therapy’ and it’s worked wonders for my anxiety. I feel like I understand what goes on in my head more, what triggers certain thoughts, and how to relax myself when I feel the whole world caving in on me. It’s such a calming feeling knowing that I am finally making progress in that area of my mind, and I hope I can come back in a few months and still see this experience as a positive for me and my health.

And above all, I have put one of my most fundamental New Year’s resolutions into action (I don’t normally make resolutions, but based on how last year went for me, this year was an exception for that). I am finally putting myself first, and refuse to let myself be taken down by anyone else’s negativity. This has always been something that I have desired to do, and I feel a lot happier clearing out negative people and energy in my life. It’s like a breath of fresh air, and no matter how much you don’t want to do it at the time, it’s better all round for your own sake. Do not put yourself on the line for someone who just wants to constantly bring you down and doesn’t contribute to your life anymore.

So yeah, that’s about it for this weeks little ‘life update.’ I feel like I have undergone a lot of changes in my life recently, and it’s been so hard to keep up. With my new job, starting the gym, making new friends, it’s been like a crazy rollercoaster of emotions and I (hope) everything is settling down a bit more now. But hey, I did it. I’m still here and I’m extremely excited for the future. Watch this space.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

New beginnings

I have recently said and done some things that I deeply regret. In all honesty, I’ve spent the last 24 hours beating myself up about those things. I’m the sort of person who completely hates drama, or arguments, or anything in between; but I always seem to find myself getting involved in them… head first… at 50 mph without meaning to.

So what am I going to do about it? What am I going to do to try to sort all this out in my own head and give myself some peace for once? I decided to tackle this by writing it all down here, in this blog post. Because the fact of the matter is that I will make mistakes. I will do things that I regret. I’ll sit there and think, “come on Becca, just stop.” I’ll just start again.

I am far from perfect. I don’t ever claim to be, and I don’t ever claim to have everything in check all the time. I don’t think I would be human if I did everything right. I have feelings, and sometimes feelings and emotion can get the better of me (as much as I try not to let it).

I want to leave the past in the past so incredibly much, yet something always seems to happen to bring it back to present day. It’s like something that I can’t seem to get rid of, and it worms it’s way back in. One thing after another. Constantly.

I vowed that 2017 would be a year of new beginnings. Motivation. Practice. Peace. And looking after myself first and foremost for once ! And in most ways, that has been the case. I am incredibly proud and humbled with everything that I have achieved this year already- and I am incredibly proud of being able to acknowledge what, and who, is good or bad for my health.

But like I said, I can’t be in check all the time. If someone claims to be perfect all the time and never admits to making mistakes, don’t believe them. It is a basic human trait. You have to make mistakes, to learn. You have to regret things, to vow never to do them again. You have to mess up sometimes so you can bounce back as a stronger and better you.

I feel like I am constantly screaming over who I am. I feel constantly misunderstood, or judged like people know the background reasoning behind my actions. Why I do things. Why I say things. When in all honesty, I don’t think even I have an explanation regarding some of my actions. If you think you know me, you most probably don’t; even I’m still trying to work that part out. But my mistakes do not make me a bad person. They do not undermine the fundamental factors about myself that I seem to want to embrace the most. They do not define me.

I am brave enough to sit here and admit to my mistakes. To look back at actions that I regret and realise why I messed up that one time. But here’s to new beginnings. Here’s to my new job, my new friends, starting the gym. Here’s to recovery and looking after my own mental health first and foremost. And you know what? Here’s to embracing who I am; despite all my mistakes. Because I’m human, and I’m proud of not claiming otherwise.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

Why I chose to revamp my life

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Life is funny isn’t it? We spend our lives being our own individual self with our own personalities, likes and dislikes. A couple of months ago especially, was when I decided it was time to revamp my life and give myself a new perspective on life in general.

I decided that it was time for a change- and that includes a change in myself and my mindset. I’ve always been quite a sensitive person, but I’d like to think that over the past month or so; I have slowly formed a ‘thicker skin’ and not let things get to me as much as they used to. Of course, I still get hurt and upset about some things; but certainly not as much as I used to. I’m so glad that I’m at a point where I’m so confident in myself, that other perceptions of me simply don’t matter anymore.

I always used to look at people and be like, “How can I be as confident as you? Why can’t I have no insecurities and be like the ‘confident’ people?” In fact, I read this from one of my diary entries from January of this year when I was feeling low one night. I soon realised that the only person who can be in charge of my self confidence is me. Fast forward nearly 8 months and I have never been so confident and empowered in my own body. Considering I hated looking at myself in the mirror three months ago (sounds like a cliche, but trust me it was bad), I am at a point now where I’m happy to go swimming because my body is my own and I’m super proud of it.

When it comes to communicating with people in general, I love it. I thrive off meeting new people, and making new friends. I realised that I not only want to surround myself with people, but positive influences in my life. That meant separating myself from people who are simply toxic and who I don’t need around me. Trust me, having the strength to do that is the best decision I ever made. I now have the bestest friends I could ever wish for in my life (personal shoutout to Caitlin, Richard, Chloe, Myah, Alex, Callum, Jess, Georgia, Koryn and co; you all know who you are). I’m also constantly adding new amazing people into my life, and it’s so uplifting to have people who accept me, for me. 

When I say I couldn’t be happier with my life at the moment, I mean it. I am so overwhelmed with my progress and how much work I have mentally put in to be this happy and calm. And why I chose to revamp my life? Because I soon began to realise that my life is my own, and no one else’s. I am my own longest commitment at the end of the day; so why not make my life the best it can be? I want to be nothing but kind and compassionate to others. I want to forgive, but not be naive. I want to be proud of the person I’m becoming, and I want to keep doing better and being better.

So what’s next for me? The simple answer is, I don’t know. But I know that I will continue to be the best person I can be. I don’t care how cliche that sounds, but I have realised over the past few months that I can be whoever I want to be, and even though my personal goals may change again in another few months, where I am now is the best place I’ve ever been.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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