An update on everything ‘life’

I pondered over whether or not I wanted to write all this and publish it on here, but I also came to the conclusion that my blog was created as my own little space to write whatever I wanted, so here I am.

To be honest, I thought I would miss a blog post upload this week- or even a few. I have been so stressed out lately, so wrapped up in emotions, that I have completely deteriorated myself again. I decided to take a step back from everything and everyone for a while (as much as I hate doing this), so me writing this blog post right now is pretty much a miracle.

If you have been reading my blog since September (ish), you’ll be aware that I was referred for ‘cognitive behavioural therapy’ for my anxiety. At the time of my referral, it felt like I was screaming out for some sort of help and support. Some things are hard to cope with on your own, and at the time, I was finding it extra difficult. Anyway, 5 months on (yes, the waiting list was meant to be 9 weeks BUT), I finally have my appointment and I begin therapy next week.

I have recently seen myself become fragmented when it comes to those around me. I don’t feel like I’m ‘me’ at the moment, and I have certainly lost all energy to go out and socialise with friends. It feels like I’m in that bubble again, but I am pushing myself slowly but surely. I am going to the gym tomorrow, and I am trying to get out of the house as much as possible.

As I feel myself going backwards again, I feel like the phone call about my therapy appointment came at the perfect time. It feels like I’m ‘sticking it out’ until next Wednesday and I’m trying so incredibly hard to stay calm, positive and healthy.

Because of this, I have taken myself away from most social media sites for a while, at least. A little ‘me’ time. A time for me to regroup and find myself again if you like. I am an avid believer that as amazing as social media is, and as supportive as it can be, sometimes it can be unhealthy for the mind and taking a step back from it sometimes isn’t necessarily a bad thing. (Ironic seen as I’m looking at studying digital marketing at university next year but that’s another topic for another day).

But, these past few weeks have also had a ton of positives. I got a new job !!!! I am trying out new things, and broadening my horizons as they say, and I feel like this job is the perfect opportunity for that. I am extremely overwhelmed at myself for having the confidence to go to an interview, smash it, and come out with a contracted job with an okay pay. Onwards and upwards.

I feel like my life is changing again, and I have noticed that I get to my worst points when this happens. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t take well to change, or to life going in a different direction than planned; but I think taking time out to myself, starting my new job, and starting therapy again will work out for the positive in the end.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Some things are meant to be

Here I go again, writing and thinking about the deepest of things. I’m an avid thinker about life. It seems like it’s the only thing that constantly roams around my brain. From the past, to the future. To people present in my life, to people who used to be in my life.

One philosophy that I live by is definitely the idea that ‘life works in weird and wonderful ways’ and that everything really does happen for a reason. I don’t believe we all have a set plan, it’s up to us to decide what we do with our lives without it being pre-determined, but that things happen for the positive sometimes.

If you have read my blog since I started blogging (wow that seems like yesterday but I’ve been blogging for over 6 months now???) you may have noticed that I don’t take people leaving my life very well. I have lost people who I loved dearly, whether that’s friends or otherwise. See where I’m going with this? Nevertheless, I take comfort in knowing that these setbacks can lead to bigger and better.

It’s a bit like relationships. If you don’t break up with someone, then you can’t progress and do better. Whatever happens next will make break-ups seem like a complete blessing. I actually read something interesting on this yesterday and it really stood out to me.

There are hundreds of boys out there who are so much better to the ex you had previously. Think about it, this world is full of billions of people. Billions of unique, amazing people. Give it time.

I decided to add in that little quote that I typed on my notes when I was thinking about this for anyone who may be struggling with a break-up in general. This idea helped me immensely get over someone, and I hope that you can find comfort in this too.

When it comes to friends, well. All I will say is that you are in control of your own life. Don’t settle for second best, and take comfort in the idea that life will end up working itself out in the end. Sometimes there’s a bigger reason as to why we need to cut out people of our lives- even if we don’t manage to see it at the time.

Another rambling post, but you guys seem to enjoy these kind of posts where there’s no organisation and my thoughts just pour out onto my keyboard.Some things really were just meant to happen.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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A mix of emotions

This blog post actually wasn’t meant to go up today, or even be written at all but I have become so consumed in my thoughts, feelings, and life tonight that I couldn’t not express everything in one rambling post.

If you read my, ‘A conclusion’ post, then you kind of have a head start when it comes to this post, because it leads on from that. Of course, that post was meant to be a conclusion, and ending. But unfortunately, everything hasn’t just stopped there and I needed to confess everything here before my mind physically combusts. Wait, can that actually happen?

Nevertheless, I am absolutely petrified to post this, and I shouldn’t be. I don’t know what I am ultimately scared of, but it’s something. The thing is, people sometimes aren’t who you think they are. Sometimes they can end up being the total opposite, and completely shock you.

In a way, a part of me still loves the genuine person that is behind whatever else seems to be going on at the moment which is much to my annoyance. And yes, ‘the thing going on’ just so happens to be cheating. But I guess you can’t help how you feel. A part of me wants to look at the bigger picture and not just see things as black and white. There must be a main motivation behind someone’s hurtful actions, even if you may not be able to see them at first. However, that doesn’t mean that they should be discounted or justified.

As much as their actions can’t be defended, I think it’s also important to not blindly look at who they actually are. People see wonderful things in other people that they don’t happen to see in themselves, and I feel like this is certainly the case in this situation. Because as much as I want to proclaim hatred, talk about how mad and annoyed I may be, or simply kick off screaming and shouting, I won’t.

I care about this person more than I probably have anyone else, and after everything that’s happened please don’t ask me why. Yes, I’m probably naive and I hate myself for it. But people aren’t all bad, and cheating certainly isn’t the worst thing that happens in this world.

For now, I am going to calmly sit back and hope that somehow, someway, things sort themselves. That in time, this person will truly find themselves and truly grow. As cliche as it sounds, I think that’s it really. We grow and learn, and I guess this person that I have been talking about in this blog post will do that in their own time.

Am I surprised at how this blog post has panned out? In a way, yes. This person seemed to have hurt me, and just left quicker than he came. I don’t see how I can still have no negative feelings for someone like that- and in some ways I guess that shows strength. Because at the end of the day, despite everything that may be going on- or have gone on, there are people that genuinely love and care for this person, including me. And ultimately, even if I am a forgotten part of the distant past.

Life works in mysterious and wonderful ways. Things happen sometimes that catch you off guard, that can sometimes get to you, but make you realise that we are all humans and ‘sucky’ things happen. But at the end of the day, it’s what you do with those situations and how you let them affect you. And in all honesty, I’m good. I’m happy. And I’m certainly not hurt by the events, just reflective. Everything is life experience at the end of the day, even this.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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My own voice

This is a concept that I have been reflecting upon for a few days now. I often ponder over why I was put onto this Earth. I guess this is also because I’m a strong believer in the idea that everyone has a purpose, but what exactly is mine?

If you have followed my blog over the past few months, you may have noticed that I’m an avid thinker. I think about everything and anything possible. Even the deepest parts of life.

I’ve recently begun to realise that maybe my purpose is my voice. I am not one to let someone silence my own voice. I speak up about equality a lot. Whether that’s gender or race. I also have a strong passion for speaking out regarding mental health illnesses, with reference to my own personal experiences on the topic.

Maybe I have been blessed with my voice FOR a bigger purpose. Important issues are something that needs to be addressed, and something in which I am not scared to speak out on.

Even the smallest things like living your life to the fullest, or about non-judgement is something that is worth speaking out upon. Realistically, my voice isn’t powerful enough to change the world on it’s own. But my voice along with many others has the potential to make a difference, even if it’s a small one.

So this is my voice. Live your life, and God, I can’t emphasise that enough. You’re alive, so let yourself live. We often take life for granted sometimes, even I do. Cherish those around you. DO NOT stop speaking out on things you are passionate about. I genuinely hope that in my lifetime, mental health services would have improved, just like I hope that we can finally achieve, somewhat, of worldwide equality.

I am determined. Even if my voice is spoken through my blog. At least it’s something. Sometimes we have to use our own qualities to make a positive impact in the world around us.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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A letter to myself

I think we sometimes forget how short life actually is. It seems like people tel me all the time to make the most of my life while I’m 18 because it simply flies by.

I’m the sort of person who likes to live without any regrets. t’s pretty ironic for someone who seems to dwell over certain situations and over analyse their outcomes, but I don’t think there can be a more accurate life philosophy.

Good or bad, everything you do and everything that happens to you happens for a reason. I’m a strong believer in this and I think this is one of the most powerful factors when it comes to me not living life with constant regret.

I hope I can look back on my life in 50 years and think “Wow.” To be honest with you, I don’t even know what career path I want to choose for certain yet. I;m honestly just living. I’m young. I have so many years left, and for the moment I’m ticking things off my bucket list that I have aspired to do for so long.

I don’t know if I’m typing this out rapidly on my keyboard at 12am because I’m running on 4 hours of sleep and I’m exhausted. But honestly, just live. I think we all forget that we are simply alive and we are made to live. We are made to experience all angles of life, and sometimes they can be more beneficial to us than we first think.

I can’t, and won;t, sit here and say I haven’t made mistakes. I’m human, there’s going to be times when I mess up and beat myself up for it. But sometimes we dwell on mistakes too long and spend our lives stuck in the past instead of the here and now. Everything that has happened in my past has been a learning curve for me. People have had it worse than me, but I have still had my own unique learning experiences that I like to turn into a positive.

The main message that I want to send myself is to just feel alive. Embrace your flaws and mistakes. Make the most f every moment. Every laughter, every tear, every experience good or bad. But with that, stay true. Stay humble and kind throughout. As well as making myself proud in 50 years time, I hope I make the people around me proud too.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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Every passing thought

I am currently sat in a coffee shop (once again) staring at my blank notes on my laptop and trying to come up with a blog post in which i can express every radical and deep thought that surrounds my head at this moment in time.

I think one of the things that I have always been most scared of is judgement. The idea that I will never be good enough for anyone, and that I will occasionally be open to scrutiny and not find a way out from it.

When I write endless blog posts about how I am me, or about how I have grown as a person, I do it as more of my own personal reflection of who I’m becoming and I’m proud of it. I’m proud of the fact that people can now presume I’m ‘this and that,’ and I will honestly take no notice of it because I know who I am.

I occasionally like to reflect on self confidence and wow, this is something I still can’t believe is real. I was always one of those people who wished people would be more confident in themselves because there are so many genuinely beautiful people in this world who simply don’t see that, but never told myself the same thing. I can’t tell you how many times I used to purposely avoid mirrors because I physically couldn’t accept who I was.

In fact, it was only last week on a night out that I wore a short body con dress that I would’ve never imagined wearing 5 months ago. i feel like I’m going on a preachy tangent, but I am extremely emotional right now and would cry into my cold brew that is sat next to me but the only thing left is the sugar at the bottom. Typical.

Maybe we all have our own unique space in this world and we don’t see it. Maybe fate works in weird and wonderful ways. Maybe our friends are our friends to make us who we are. Maybe our ex relationships are our hurtful past to in fact, make us stronger. Maybe the people who drift in and out of our lives is the worlds way of telling us to make the most of people in our lives while they’re here.

I often look up at the sky and think all these things. I mean, I’m only eighteen yeas old. I’m young. I have so much more of life to experience, yet it all seems to make sense to me at the moment… in a jumbled sort of way. I probably have another 5,000 relationship break-ups to come my way, and god knows how many jobs until I find the one that seems to suit me best. But instead of thinking about boys, or relationships I look up at the sky and think about life. And people. And how my life is just beginning, and how excited I am to see what’s next in store for me.

The fact is, I’m an avid thinker. I am looking round this coffee shop right now and thinking about people’s lives. About how they manage to pay bills, or mortgages, or even student finances. At the moment, i don’t have to worry about that. But at the end of the day, maybe that doesn’t matter. if you have no money now, trust fate to work everything out. Maybe I’m naive. But maybe living is simply the only fundamental part to life.

I can’t write poetry. I physically can’t. i always sit there and write poems about heartbreak and about how sad I may be feeling one night. I can’t rhyme to save my life. None of it really flows, but for some reason, I still want to publish a book full of ‘bad poetry.’ Nothing has to be perfect, though. Not even my own writing. Gosh, my blog is full of rambling posts about life and I think I fluff my writing too much. But my bad poetry makes me, me. My dodgy blind eye makes me, me. My mistakes make me, me.

This is an insight into my head and my thoughts. In fact, I’m thinking about texting my best friend back right now because I accidentally forgot to this morning and now I am worrying about how she is. Maybe I care too much about the small things, but sometimes they’re the best things to live for. Like laughing until you can’t physically breathe. Sitting in a coffee shop for two hours writing about life. Spending time with friends. Looking up at the sky, and trees, and nature. Let your life live in itself.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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A reflection on relationships

I am currently sat in a coffee shop huddled in the corner looking at 4 walls.

I feel so comfortable in whatever blurts out from my head so I guess this is going to be a post about something which has been whirling round in my life since June. Something which I have alluded to in a lot of my blog posts, but in which I have never openly come out and talked about in detail.

In some ways, this is my break-up letter. Even though, who writes letters anymore anyway? This is more of a letter of happiness, rather than sadness. I’m done with the whole ‘crying until I fall asleep’ and ‘sleeping in the day just to pass time’ type of emotion which my break-up brought me.

In fact, this is a thank you. A thank you to my break-up. Without it, I don’t think I would be in such a good place right now. I feel like I always get reminded that it’s the hard times that make us human, or that the hard times shape us into who we are today… and this couldn’t be more true today. Sure, there are worse things in life that go on other than break-ups; but they still hurt and they still suck.

I feel like songs constantly talk about break-ups with either emotions of sadness and despair, or the message that says “HEY I HATE MY EX AND THAT’S THAT.” I don’t think I have ever heard a song for a long time that looks back on a break-up with gratitude. I don’t know, does that still make me human? The fact that I’m grateful for someone I once loved leaving me?

Break-ups can bring so many negatives. In many ways, you ask yourself if you really are worthy to let someone into your life and feel loved by another soul again. It’s that stage where you feel utter despair and hopelessness- and I hope to never experience a break-up again in all honesty.

Do I regret my ex relationship? No. I think if I did, I wouldn’t have had the ability to grow or learn. I mean, that’s what relationships are; a sort of journey and hopefully at some point, that journey ends and you’ll settle with someone for the rest of your life. I often look at my parents and admire their relationship. After 19 years of being together, they are still in love and they hardly argue. I hope one day that can be me, but for now I’m just living for the present.

I have never been the sort of person to ‘seek’ a relationship. The idea of me being single totally appeals to me, and I am so happy being independent and single; or independent and in a relationship. But I look back on 2016 and wow, what a learning process it has been. I sure as hell cried a lot, but now those tears have turned into tears of joy and genuine happiness. Into someone who managed to find herself again.

This isn’t a letter of hate, that emotion doesn’t even come into my head anymore when i think of my past relationship. I would rather use this as an opportunity to reflect and be thankful. My break-up made me stronger. It allowed me to grow as an individual and do things I never imagined I would. For instance, my blog was straight up created as a way for me to heal through my break-up. And now, I can proudly say that I have healed. I have healed in more ways than I ever thought I would.

Let like work itself out how it does. Maybe my break-up was a way of the world showing me that I was a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. No matter how many times I get told by the people around me that I am one of the strongest people they’ve ever met, I never used to believe it. Now however, I believe that I am strong enough to conquer anything. Not just break-ups, but my high functioning anxiety that comes with it.

To my ex, thank you. I genuinely hope you’re as happy as I am right now. This isn’t a dig. Or hatred. This is a simple thank you. I hope one day everything I told you about yourself will soon make sense. Find your own potential and just feel alive.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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A small life update

I feel a bit “put off” from writing about how I feel at the moment, however it seems like nowadays, “happiness” is genuinely the only emotion that I can describe myself as.
3 months ago, my blog was centred around heart break and pain. I’m not going to sugarcoat anything, because it straight up was. It was a time in my life in which I felt things “coming together,” but it wasn’t totally there. I’d hurt more than I’d ever hurt before, and I don’t know why situations hit me so hard at that time. It was the kind of time where things where looking up for me, and then something else would happen that would break me even more. I was always going backwards, and because of that I became extremely lost. I used to sleep to simply pass time so I could make it through the day without breaking down. I used to have to plan my whole week to keep myself busy because I didn’t know how I’d cope otherwise. Situations made me extremely anxious and even when I look back to September, I don’t think I’ve ever been so ill or felt so low with my anxiety to the point where it physically scared me.
I kinda “chose” a positive attitude and to change my mindset. Obviously it’s not as easy as that, but I was so incredibly determined to see past this point in my life. I’d just gotten my semi colon tattoo at this point, and I honestly believe it came at exactly the right time. It was such an important, and helpful reminder to simply keep going.
I am now sat on my kitchen floor, pouring all these words out onto the notes on my phone. The dryer won’t stop beeping so I should probably sort that out. But I have the energy to. I have the energy to get up right now and just dance. I have the energy to go out in public with my friend today, vlog in public for my YouTube and just laugh. I have the COURAGE to be happy and to keep moving forward and it honestly makes me so emotional when I reflect on my progress.
As well as finding confidence in the body I breathe in, I have also found confidence in my own happiness. I’m entitled and allowed to be happy. I’m allowed to express progress and think, “you know what? I can’t believe I made it through these past months, but I did it.” I see happiness as more of a journey. It doesn’t happen overnight, but if you make yourself a priority, it’s definitely worth it in the end.
I now couldn’t care about external perceptions of me. I can go out in public and not be scared anymore, even though I still have the odd panic attack. The only words I can think of when I describe these past 4 ish months is a whirlwind. An adventure. A journey of happiness and empowerment.
If you’re not in the best place right now, remember that it’s okay. If we never had low times, how would we know what the good ones look like?
Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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You don’t have an endless amount of time

As dark and depressing as this may sound, I often sit there and reflect on the concept of death. About how I can make my life the best life it can be before I die. I am more than aware that life is not endless and I don’t have forever to live, so I am a strong believer in making the most of it while I’m here and while I can. I also mentioned this in my blog post on When I die.

I plan to make the most out of life, and that includes making the most of the people I love and care about the most around me. Just like you don’t live forever, neither do the people around you. A few years ago, I lost my best friend and the person I was closest to above everyone else in this world (my grandma). That’s when this concept really started to hit me and I became intrigued with the idea of making the most of people around you while they’re still here.

If you’re mad at someone for some small issue, resolve it. Forgive, and move on. In my experience, life is too short to make enemies and continue to feud with someone over something which simply won’t matter when you die. If you’re going through a hard and stressful time in your life at the moment, it’s okay. Look forward. You have so many more years left to offer this world, and so many more years to make some amazing memories which will stay with you and others.

The fact of the matter is that some things simply don’t matter. In fact, one of my most favourite pieces from Milk and Honey explores this idea really well. Your job, Where you’re sitting. At the end of the day, none of that matters. Look and seek the most important things; love, human connection, forgiveness. Trust me when I say this, you will be such a happier person for it.

A lot of people tend to question me on why I forgive, or why I try to make effort with people when they may hate me. But at the end of the day, life is too short to not take those opportunities. That person who I’m fretting over hating me could actually be an okay person. That person who requires forgiveness may have been going through a rough time to cause their actions. Forgiving and forgetting are two separate ideas; and forgiveness isn’t naive.

I don’t have a life philosophy for the fun of it. I don’t sit here and blog about positivity because I want to be some inspirational speaker that thinks we live in a world with unicorns and rainbows (although that would be pretty cool). If that’s how you perceive my blog, then that couldn’t be further from the truth. I blog about these kind of things because life is too short to not strive for them. Because life is too short to not seize opportunities, rekindle lost loves if you really want to, or to not live your life exactly how you want. You are in control of your life, no one else.

People aren’t around forever. If you want to try and get someone, go for it. If you want to wear clothes that are unique but make you feel good, go for it. If you want to tattoo your whole body, go for it. Yeah, people may judge. But at the end of the day, what do you want from life?

One of my biggest fears is living life in regret. In wishing that I applied for a ‘dream job’ when I got the chance. In not being with who I’m meant to be with because I was too stubborn to be honest when it comes to my feelings. In letting myself down, and those around me. In being a failure to myself and I certainly don’t plan on that.

My main message that I hope comes from this rambling piece of 1am writing is that life doesn’t last forever. Some things are too insignificant in this world to be fretting over and sometimes our stubborn personalities can take over us sometimes, and that’s okay (trust me, I’m so incredibly stubborn). But it’s never too late to forgive. It’s never too late to rekindle the relationship of the person you love the most and you feel you’re meant to be with. It’s never too late to change your outlook and mindset on life, and it’s never too late to start living and feel alive.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Does life need to be so complicated?

I feel like I constantly allude to this all the tine. The idea that life seems so complicated, but when we take a step back and completely strip life down.. is it really?

I feel as though life being complicated is a very personal thing. As humans, we can naturally make situations complicated as well as societal expectations also playing a part. For example, relationships. I have always said this, but some people who love each other aren’t together, and some people who don’t love each other are together. That’s the sad reality of it all. We sometimes seem to make excuses as to why we “can’t” be together with someone but if you really think about it, people can find a way to be together and make it work. I don’t know, maybe I’m very idealistic.

I am living in this very liberating mindset at the moment of “just do it.” In fact, it seems to be my life motto at the moment. I wanted my tattoo for months and as soon as I was 18 I thought, “what’s stopping me?” and got it. I’ve wanted to travel to Leeds for so long, and I finally had an opportunity to go. I wanted to make excuses when it came to not going but I thought, “why not?” and ended up having the best time. I go on spontaneous days out because I can. 

Everyone seems to tell me to enjoy my life at 18, and trust me, that’s exactly what I am doing. I feel like my life starts now and there’s no point in complicating things and making excuses as to why I won’t fulfill something I’ve wanted to for so long.

Ever since I’ve decluttered my life, I have felt a lot happier, and I’m pretty sure the people closest to me has seen that change in me too. When you think about it, you have this amazing life in front of you just waiting to be written- and you can write your story however you want. You can either live life complicating things and live in regret, or you can just do things because you can. Determination.

If you take anything away from this post, I hope you reflect on life in general and where you’re going. I hope you ask yourself, “is this really what I want?” and if it isn’t, fix it. Things are never as bad as they seem, and you can honestly get through anything. Write your story and make it pretty damn amazing because you deserve nothing less.

In some ways, complications are the product of a humans personal choice. We always have a choice, and we always have chance to change things if we wish. Sometimes it’s not easy. Being in love with someone who doesn’t love you, isn’t easy. Trying to reach for your dream job and getting knocked back so many times that you begin to loose hope isn’t easy. But keep fighting. You’ll find a way to get there in the end.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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