Am I good enough?

I have heard so many people refer to this idea. ‘Am I good enough for him / her?’ ‘Am I good enough for myself?’ As someone who battles anxiety on a daily basis, I constantly pressure myself to be good enough. It may sound completely stupid, but the impact I make on people’s lives, and how others perceive me as plays a big part in my life.

So, am I good enough? The answer is that I don’t know if I am good enough to others… but I shouldn’t have to be. I have reached a point where I’m good enough for myself and that’s all that matters. If I stick to the person who I want to be, and continue to grow in myself, then I’m completely happy with that.

There’s been times where I got so bogged down about not being good enough for someone. It was only a couple of months ago where I used to sit there and wish I wasn’t me, and I was a totally different person. It’s worrying how little I used to think about myself, and how I would constantly beat myself up over things that are simply out of my control.

As well as people, I occasionally have a tendency to tell myself my “blog isn’t good enough,” and the same goes with my writing and poetry. I presssure myself to be perfect, but perfection is out of my reach. At the end of the day, my blog may not have “top class” writing, or my poems may not be like Shakespeare, but I’m happy to create these pieces of writing and continue to develop and better them over time (so basically please bare with me!) I guess this is the main reason why I simply get so overwhelmed when someone compliments my writing, or tell me they can relate to me and my thoughts. It’s crazy to imagine that my writing is good enough to someone.

To be completely honest, I feel extremely vulnerable and sensitive when I refer to this topic. It’s hard for me to reflect back on when I felt utterly hopeless, and that I could never live up to people’s expectations. I spent the whole of my last relationship worried about “not being good enough,” and him deserving ten times better than the person I was. I’ve soon began to realise that it wasn’t fair on either of us for me to think that. There was a reason I was in a relationship with him, and maybe I’m not as much of a bad person as I think I am.

It baffles me when people tell me I’m “one of the most amazing people they’ve ever met” or that I “light up their life even a little bit.” I’ve never seen that in myself, and I’ve always strived to be good to everyone and impact on their lives, but never thought I’d ever reached those goals. Granted, I don’t believe it when I get told this. Maybe because I’m extremely insecure and only just coming to terms and being happy in myself.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself is how I physically hate myself for not being good enough. I was thinking about this the other day, and came to the conclusion that everything everyone hates or dislikes in me, I’m already aware of, and I’ve hated about myself at one point too. If you’re going to point out why I’m not good enough for you, I already know and I’ve already realised it. When it comes down to it, I felt like I wasn’t good enough for the person I loved and cared for the most because of this very reason and that’s pretty scary.

On the flip side, don’t expect others to be ‘good enough’ for you. If they’re trying their hardest, then that’s all that matters. There’s nothing worse than someone feeling so emotional and under pressure over the thought of not being good enough for someone or living up to people’s standards- trust me, you’re doing okay just being you.

When overcoming these dominant and toxic thoughts, I’ve noticed that the only person you need to be good enough for is yourself. If someone hates you, or if someone misunderstands you and judges you, that’s their problem. I will not turn into people’s negative expectations, and I’ll continue doing me and being happy in me. I deserve to give myself credit where credit is due. I’m far from perfect, but there must be some things that make people want to have me in their lives- even if they’re small.

The bottom line is that you won’t please everyone, and that’s okay. I have people who probably hate my guts and can’t stand me. But the people who know me certainly know I’m not what other people perceive me as. Deep down, there’s someone in me that gets lost. Someone in me that feels so low about themselves. But there’s also someone who knows that I only have to please myself. And guess what? I’m pretty happy with myself at the moment. I’m making the right decisions. I’m making positive steps forward to recovery, and I’m constantly bettering myself and my lifestyle. It’s taken a lot of strength and patience for me to get here, and that’s friggen amazing. Even though people may judge you, you’re good enough for me and you’re certainly good enough for yourself.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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