A build up of everything


Something kind of just popped in my brain. Like something in which I have been hiding away for so long suddenly made sense. As to why I feel things that I wish I didn’t feel. As to why certain emotions have led me to do things that is out of character. As to why I should sometimes listen to my emotions.

A few months ago, I thought that the solution to feeling hurt, upset and total emotion was to just bottle everything up and act like it simply wasn’t there. I actually didn’t give myself time to hurt, or recover from hurt, and it just caused my emotions to build up more and more. At the time, I never really realised this, but now I have realised that listening to myself and my own mind is healthiest.

The fact is, we all hurt sometimes. Shit happens. Things happen that cause us to be upset, cry, huddle into a bawl and not want to come out. But sometimes you’ve got to embrace that as odd as it sounds. I never enabled myself to feel that kind of pain because I simply didn’t want to. I kept bandaging it up and hoping for the best, and it’s caused this whole shebang. This whole blog post.

I know this blog post won’t make a lot of sense to some of you reading this right now, and that’s totally okay. I just wanted somewhere to put all my thoughts, feelings, and most importantly emotions without feeling like I was being watched or judged. Because the fact is, I’ve spent the past year of my life feeling like people are watching my every move. Like they’re ready to jump and pounce on me every mistake I make, and as much as that shouldn’t bother me (and for a long time didn’t), I’m human, and it does.

I want to make my own peace with my own self and my own mind. I want to stop acting out in anger and spite, because that simply is not me- or who I aspire to be. Wow that rhymes. Because the fact is, the things that bother us deep down may cause us to do stupid things, and all I can do is apologise; to myself especially. I wanted to make this year the year in which I stuck to my own mind. My own wishes, and lived life for myself. Here’s to listening to my emotions for once without bottling them up, and being the passive person I wan to be.

Stay true to who you are, even if you may waver at times. Those around you know the real you, no matter what mistakes you may make.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

A small life update


I feel a bit “put off” from writing about how I feel at the moment, however it seems like nowadays, “happiness” is genuinely the only emotion that I can describe myself as.
3 months ago, my blog was centred around heart break and pain. I’m not going to sugarcoat anything, because it straight up was. It was a time in my life in which I felt things “coming together,” but it wasn’t totally there. I’d hurt more than I’d ever hurt before, and I don’t know why situations hit me so hard at that time. It was the kind of time where things where looking up for me, and then something else would happen that would break me even more. I was always going backwards, and because of that I became extremely lost. I used to sleep to simply pass time so I could make it through the day without breaking down. I used to have to plan my whole week to keep myself busy because I didn’t know how I’d cope otherwise. Situations made me extremely anxious and even when I look back to September, I don’t think I’ve ever been so ill or felt so low with my anxiety to the point where it physically scared me.
I kinda “chose” a positive attitude and to change my mindset. Obviously it’s not as easy as that, but I was so incredibly determined to see past this point in my life. I’d just gotten my semi colon tattoo at this point, and I honestly believe it came at exactly the right time. It was such an important, and helpful reminder to simply keep going.
I am now sat on my kitchen floor, pouring all these words out onto the notes on my phone. The dryer won’t stop beeping so I should probably sort that out. But I have the energy to. I have the energy to get up right now and just dance. I have the energy to go out in public with my friend today, vlog in public for my YouTube and just laugh. I have the COURAGE to be happy and to keep moving forward and it honestly makes me so emotional when I reflect on my progress.
As well as finding confidence in the body I breathe in, I have also found confidence in my own happiness. I’m entitled and allowed to be happy. I’m allowed to express progress and think, “you know what? I can’t believe I made it through these past months, but I did it.” I see happiness as more of a journey. It doesn’t happen overnight, but if you make yourself a priority, it’s definitely worth it in the end.
I now couldn’t care about external perceptions of me. I can go out in public and not be scared anymore, even though I still have the odd panic attack. The only words I can think of when I describe these past 4 ish months is a whirlwind. An adventure. A journey of happiness and empowerment.
If you’re not in the best place right now, remember that it’s okay. If we never had low times, how would we know what the good ones look like?
Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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The healing of words


Before blogging or writing down my thoughts, I never had a “therapy” if you like for handling hurt. I kinda just muddled my way through it and hoped for the best.

I’ve now realised that the key way in which I heal is words. Whether that’s writing my thoughts in a blog post, on a piece of paper, or poetry. It’s like my heart pours out onto paper and helps me relieve all the stress in my head.

After picking up Rupi Kaur’s “Milk and Honey” book (which you should totally read and check out), I came to the realisation that heartbreak is normal- and using words as a therapy for that is totally okay.

While I hate to admit I’ve hurt over the past few months, words have helped me express all that pain and anger into something beautiful. I never normally write poetry, but tonight I got so wrapped up in my thoughts and my feelings that I came across this amazing concept for some poems regarding time.
I’ve found that time is the greatest healer of all. I look back over the past 3 months, and find it baffling how I’ve got to this point from such a dark place to complete happiness. Time passes. And it heals us. Put your faith in it more often, it works wonders.

I’ve decided to share some of my poems that I created tonight with you all. After all, words say a lot, and I feel happier knowing my thoughts and feelings are somewhere greater than my mind- how broad and gigantic the Internet world can be. Enjoy the rollercoaster that is my healing heart.

9am

I became enchanted by you

4pm

I dated you

6pm

You became mine

2pm

I gave my all

– may fourth

12pm

You broke me

4pm

You asked for me again

6am

We talked and ended it all

And they say time heals.

I’m especially proud of this series of writing. Whilst thinking about the past, I realised just how quickly time can change. This poem especially helped because it puts things into perspective. It made me realise that all this happened, and I’m still here. Time heals.

You asked me to stay

Then left

And now

You have left

Longer than you stayed

– time

It’s funny how fast time passes when you’re “in the moment.” When you’re so wrapped up in life. I recently reflected on this, and realised that time can go just as quick when someone leaves. My own recovery, and my own happiness has led me to live the fullest life that I can at this moment in time. It’s all about time, and how you make use of it.

I cried

Until I became familiar

With the pain of loss

I still cry

But I’ve learnt

How to do it silently

– whisper

And finally, this reflects my current status of “hurt.” The pain of loss can take a human a while to come to terms with. Thankfully, I’m at that stage where I’ve come to terms with it, and I no longer hurt “publically.” But that doesn’t mean I still don’t occasionally sometimes hurt silently. It hits me somedays. Whether that’s 2am, or 2pm. And sometimes it won’t hit me at all. That’s the whisper of time.

All in all, I’ve realised that it’s okay to hurt and use writing as your therapy. It’s okay to create something utterly beautiful out of something so painful. Loss comes in all shapes and sizes.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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The healing heart

the healing heart

Today I wrote this short poem which basically explains my mind on this matter. The healing heart.

Love. It’s one of the most confusing human emotions there is. It can fill you with happiness, sadness, loneliness, disappointment and hurt all at the same time. You can feel an extreme amount of love for someone, yet know they’re not good for you. You can feel an extreme amount of love for someone, yet still let them hurt you. Hurting over love isn’t something you should feel ashamed about. Love is one of the most common human emotions and can be one of the most empowering and amazing feelings.

But how do you know you’re in love? The answer is, I don’t think anyone really does. You create a relationship between two people, and then you’re left with “Is this what love feels like?” “Is this really love?” The fact is, I spent the first couple of weeks trying to put my emotions and mind in tune. Love gives you such an overwhelming feeling and compassion for someone that it’s hard to explain. Yes, I may still be young and naive, but I do believe that I have experienced some sort of ‘love.’

Seen as this blog is also a reflection of my own personal thoughts and feelings, I feel like I have been wrapped up in my emotions so much that it is more than just loving someone. It’s genuinely caring about them. Thriving off being there for them. Thriving off making them happy and contributing towards their smile. As cliche as it may sound, it is the most overwhelming feeling to be so in love with someone that as soon as they’re gone, it hurts. It hurts because you can’t be there for them. You can’t thrive off making them happy anymore, because you secretly don’t. You can’t bring yourself to be apart of their life anymore, because they don’t want you. The thing with love is that it doesn’t always go both ways. You truly don’t know the extent of love someone has for you. But ironically, knowing the scale of your love for someone else is the most liberating feeling.

I believe the idea that “You never truly stop loving someone” is true. Funnily enough, if you really love someone you can’t bring yourself to really hate them, because a part of you will always thrive off loving them. Love doesn’t die. It’s as simple as that. If it does, it was never love in the first place. Now, I’m not talking about the chemistry between two individuals in a relationship. Of course that chemistry is going to evaporate in certain relationships. But you never stop caring. You never stop wanting to love them.

People make love more complicated than it has to be. If you love someone, it should be celebrated not made complicated. So many people miss the chance to say “I love you” due to other factors, but love is love. In every situation, it will always be the most powerful feeling. Don’t think I take the feeling of ‘love’ lightly. It takes a lot for me to really put my feelings into someone which I guess is why I have been single nearly all my life.

It takes me a lot to fall in love, and I’ll admit that I’ve only really fallen in love once with an individual. Sure, I love my friends and family, but I think you can agree that falling in love with those relations in your life is different to really falling in love with someone. Now, a lot of people may open me up to scrutiny about this. “It wasn’t love.” “You just want the idea of love.” And that couldn’t be anymore opposite to the truth. I never met this person thinking I’d ever fall in love with them as much as I did, or to even love them at all. But that’s the thing about love. You see things in someone that no one else sees. You look deeper into their personality and life, exploring things that not even they know about themselves. I spent my whole relationship with this person wanting to see them happy. Wanting to be there. And caring about them more than I’ve ever cared about anyone so much before and honestly, I don’t know why I felt so differently about this person. I fell so in love with their uniqueness, and how despite what everyone else saw and viewed this person as, they had a much more deeper significance in this world than even they discovered which is what I guess made me fall in love with them even more. They had more potential in this world than they gave themselves credit for, and I can guarantee their life will be full of great and amazing things that they never believed they would ever achieve.

Sure, I’ve been quizzed on why I don’t hate this person. Why despite all the heartbreak and hurt they caused me, I still have the upmost respect and compassion for said individual. And I realised why. It’s not me being naive. And it’s not me being weak. Love doesn’t just end. You don’t wake up one day and think, “You know what? I don’t love this person anymore.” Because in reality, you always will. A part of you will always hold onto that love which meant a lot to you at one time. And if a love just ends? It was never truly love. But don’t get me wrong, you can love someone and not be with them. That’s the sad reality of it all. There are a lot of people who love each other who aren’t together, and there are a lot of people who don’t love each other who are together. Sometimes we just have to explore deeper into our emotions and open up about them more. If it’s love, you’ll know it is. You’ll care. You’ll thrive off being there for them. You’ll want to be in their life. But I’ve realised that love is also a very personal emotion, and no one can ever take your feelings of love for someone away from you.

I guess that’s why break ups hurt. That love is still there, but you can’t feel like you can love. You hide it. You try to pretend that it’s not there. You can still love someone, but you realise the other person never really loved you. They block you out. You can no longer care for them as much as you want to. You’re left in the dark with overwhelming emotions that you just want to lock away, but you can’t. Or, they’re hiding their love too. My advice with love is to always follow your heart. Never give up on something you love if it is truly meant to be. Love finds a way of working itself out in the end. Alternatively, if it’s not meant to be, then sometimes a love you have for someone is just meant to be stored away- as another part of your life journey.

According to Alessia Cara lyrics, “love brings you flowers then it builds your coffins.”

Love is the most natural, yet confusing, feeling in the world. Never ignore it. This is just another step towards your healing heart.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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