Am I ashamed?


I really should be sleeping instead of writing this blog post as I have work early tomorrow morning (oops), however I felt so inspired so decided to grab my laptop quick and write about something that has been bugging me for a while. I never knew how to express this ‘thing that’s been bugging me’ until now, and in some ways I still don’t. This post will have no structure whatsoever, but there’s some things that I desperately need to get off my chest for my own sake. So here it goes (warning: there may be a bit of rambling, but who doesn’t love a good ol’ rambled post, eh?)

A lot of things have changed drastically in my life over the past couple of months or so, and things still seem to be rapidly changing as we speak. From friends, to what I do in my free time, to handling my mental health, even to me as a person. I don’t take well to change, which I guess is why I feel so encouraged in myself to write this blog post.

You see, one thing I seem to ask myself a lot is if I’m ashamed in myself. If I deserve to beat myself up over certain things, if I made the right decisions. Obviously with having generalised anxiety, it makes the whole process of figuring this out a lot harder, but I finally came to a conclusion. I live my life for myself with the intention of also putting others first unless it is toxic to me. If something is making me feel sad, or uncomfortable, or just doesn’t feel right anymore; then I have to stop beating myself up over making decisions for myself. Sometimes it doesn’t make me selfish, rather stop me from self destroying.

And then I think about the person I am becoming, and the choices I’ve made. You see, the things is, I always try to make the best decision and put others first. But that realistically is not always going to happen. I’ve said this before, but I have to make myself make mistakes sometimes so I can learn from them; and most importantly, grow.

And that’s another thing I want to address in this post, I am 18 years old. I am by no means experienced in anything in life, nor do I claim to be. I suck at relationships, and break-ups and talking to boys in general; but that’s because I’m still yet to grow. I make immature decisions and look back on them and think, “Really Becca? So mature.” But I’m growing. – And I’m not using this whole ‘growth’ thing as some sort of excuse either. That’s the beauty about living, is watching yourself grow due to your past self.

At the end of the day, I am not going to be exactly the same now as the person I’ll be in 10 years. Nor am I  exactly the same as I was even a year ago. I am developing for the better every day, and I want to work hard to get to who I want to be. I want to make people proud, and make myself proud. I don’t want to make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past. I want to look back on this blog post in 10-30 years and think, “I did it.”

So, going back to the question at the start of this post. Am I ashamed? In myself? In who I am? In who I’m becoming? Not at all. Because to me, being ashamed is looking at myself in a negative light. I don’t want to move backwards, rather forwards. I want to make a positive impact on myself, and those around me. I want to always do better, and be better. And for the majority of the past year, I’ve done just that. But everything takes time, and sometimes we just need to be patient with ourselves.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

Does life need to be so complicated?


I feel like I constantly allude to this all the tine. The idea that life seems so complicated, but when we take a step back and completely strip life down.. is it really?

I feel as though life being complicated is a very personal thing. As humans, we can naturally make situations complicated as well as societal expectations also playing a part. For example, relationships. I have always said this, but some people who love each other aren’t together, and some people who don’t love each other are together. That’s the sad reality of it all. We sometimes seem to make excuses as to why we “can’t” be together with someone but if you really think about it, people can find a way to be together and make it work. I don’t know, maybe I’m very idealistic.

I am living in this very liberating mindset at the moment of “just do it.” In fact, it seems to be my life motto at the moment. I wanted my tattoo for months and as soon as I was 18 I thought, “what’s stopping me?” and got it. I’ve wanted to travel to Leeds for so long, and I finally had an opportunity to go. I wanted to make excuses when it came to not going but I thought, “why not?” and ended up having the best time. I go on spontaneous days out because I can. 

Everyone seems to tell me to enjoy my life at 18, and trust me, that’s exactly what I am doing. I feel like my life starts now and there’s no point in complicating things and making excuses as to why I won’t fulfill something I’ve wanted to for so long.

Ever since I’ve decluttered my life, I have felt a lot happier, and I’m pretty sure the people closest to me has seen that change in me too. When you think about it, you have this amazing life in front of you just waiting to be written- and you can write your story however you want. You can either live life complicating things and live in regret, or you can just do things because you can. Determination.

If you take anything away from this post, I hope you reflect on life in general and where you’re going. I hope you ask yourself, “is this really what I want?” and if it isn’t, fix it. Things are never as bad as they seem, and you can honestly get through anything. Write your story and make it pretty damn amazing because you deserve nothing less.

In some ways, complications are the product of a humans personal choice. We always have a choice, and we always have chance to change things if we wish. Sometimes it’s not easy. Being in love with someone who doesn’t love you, isn’t easy. Trying to reach for your dream job and getting knocked back so many times that you begin to loose hope isn’t easy. But keep fighting. You’ll find a way to get there in the end.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

————————-

Want 20% off your order at Coconut-Lane? Use the code ‘beccajayne20’ at the checkout to redeem…. go on! Why not treat yourself?

————————-
Connect:

Twitter: @beccaxjayne

Instagram: itsbeccajayne

Snapchat: itssbeccajayne

Bloglovin’: Click here to never miss a blog post from me!

Facebook: Itsbeccajayne

YouTube: Becca Jayne– drop me a sub!

Feel free to drop me a tweet etc xo

Life is what you make it



“Life is what you make it” is the type of philosophy I have based my life around at the moment. I have began to realise that if I want to do something, I should just do it because nothing is stopping me from doing what I want with my own life. Whether that’s getting a tattoo I’ve wanted for so long, cutting out people in my life who simply aren’t good for me, or even dancing like the world will never end because guess what? I can and I will.

“So, do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out and decide.”

In my experience, life is too short to not live it to the fullest. To live it ‘loving’ someone you no longer love, and alternately, ‘not loving’ someone you want to love. Forget judgement and constraints. There really is no such word as ‘I can’t’ if you put your mind to it.

Let’s put it this way, if you want something, reach for it and get it. Don’t stop until you get what you deserve. I have recently realised that you can’t make someone want or miss you, or even force someone to stay in your life. But you can make your intentions clear. Say things before it’s too late or before you regret it, you never know what could happen tomorrow. Why wait?

I’ve recently become intrigued by Rupi Kaur’s collection of poetry, Milk and Honey. One of my most favourite pieces from this book states that, “don’t mistake salt for sugar. If he wants to be with you, he will. It’s that simple.” If you want to be with someone, you’ll find a way. You’ll find a way to think about what’s actually right for you. And you’ll get there if it’s meant to happen.

And above all else? Have fun, and live your life. Wear what you want, smile. Laugh like it’s the only thing you know how to do. Don’t let anyone put you down for whatever makes you happy. If catching Pokemon, playing video games or looking at the sky makes you happy then embrace that above all else. Love like it’s the only thing in this world you know how to. Put your time and energy into the people who mean the most to you regardless of the past. Aim for your goals, and don’t stop until you achieve them. Be the best person you can be, and be happy and healthy.

From today, I will have no regrets. If I end up falling for someone again, I’ll tell them. I’ll be happy in rekindling lost relationships and meeting new people and discovering new wonders of life. I certainly will not let societal expectations stop me from living my life I want, or stop me from saying things to people who I love the most. There’s no point spending your life surrounded by people who make you feel less than you deserve, and neglecting those who would give you the world.

And because life is what I make it, I have recently discovered how amazing writing poetry, and writing in general can be. It opens up so many doors to my thoughts and feelings, so here’s a small section of something I recently wrote. I have no shame in my feelings and I have no shame in making something beautiful out of a painful situation that had emotionally killed me.

That’s the thing. I had to let you go. I had to push my desires aside and let you live. Let you experience life and love without me. Let you heal. Because at the end of the day, all I wanted was for you to be happy. I’ll always love and care. But I had to let go and disappear. And whoever comes along and loves you more than I did do? That’s competition. But cherish her. Because that’s a number bigger than all infinities. 

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

————————-

Want 20% off your order at Coconut-Lane? Use the code ‘beccajayne20’ at the checkout to redeem…. go on! Why not treat yourself?

————————-

Connect:

Twitter: @beccaxjayne

Instagram: itsbeccajayne

Snapchat: itssbeccajayne

Bloglovin’: Click here to never miss a blog post from me!

Facebook: Positive Plxnt

Feel free to drop me a tweet etc xo