A mix of emotions

This blog post actually wasn’t meant to go up today, or even be written at all but I have become so consumed in my thoughts, feelings, and life tonight that I couldn’t not express everything in one rambling post.

If you read my, ‘A conclusion’ post, then you kind of have a head start when it comes to this post, because it leads on from that. Of course, that post was meant to be a conclusion, and ending. But unfortunately, everything hasn’t just stopped there and I needed to confess everything here before my mind physically combusts. Wait, can that actually happen?

Nevertheless, I am absolutely petrified to post this, and I shouldn’t be. I don’t know what I am ultimately scared of, but it’s something. The thing is, people sometimes aren’t who you think they are. Sometimes they can end up being the total opposite, and completely shock you.

In a way, a part of me still loves the genuine person that is behind whatever else seems to be going on at the moment which is much to my annoyance. And yes, ‘the thing going on’ just so happens to be cheating. But I guess you can’t help how you feel. A part of me wants to look at the bigger picture and not just see things as black and white. There must be a main motivation behind someone’s hurtful actions, even if you may not be able to see them at first. However, that doesn’t mean that they should be discounted or justified.

As much as their actions can’t be defended, I think it’s also important to not blindly look at who they actually are. People see wonderful things in other people that they don’t happen to see in themselves, and I feel like this is certainly the case in this situation. Because as much as I want to proclaim hatred, talk about how mad and annoyed I may be, or simply kick off screaming and shouting, I won’t.

I care about this person more than I probably have anyone else, and after everything that’s happened please don’t ask me why. Yes, I’m probably naive and I hate myself for it. But people aren’t all bad, and cheating certainly isn’t the worst thing that happens in this world.

For now, I am going to calmly sit back and hope that somehow, someway, things sort themselves. That in time, this person will truly find themselves and truly grow. As cliche as it sounds, I think that’s it really. We grow and learn, and I guess this person that I have been talking about in this blog post will do that in their own time.

Am I surprised at how this blog post has panned out? In a way, yes. This person seemed to have hurt me, and just left quicker than he came. I don’t see how I can still have no negative feelings for someone like that- and in some ways I guess that shows strength. Because at the end of the day, despite everything that may be going on- or have gone on, there are people that genuinely love and care for this person, including me. And ultimately, even if I am a forgotten part of the distant past.

Life works in mysterious and wonderful ways. Things happen sometimes that catch you off guard, that can sometimes get to you, but make you realise that we are all humans and ‘sucky’ things happen. But at the end of the day, it’s what you do with those situations and how you let them affect you. And in all honesty, I’m good. I’m happy. And I’m certainly not hurt by the events, just reflective. Everything is life experience at the end of the day, even this.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca