The thing with life is that there is no right or wrong way of doing things. You kind of just muddle through- and finding yourself can also be a bit like that. I have had many ‘trial and error’ moments where I’ve thought, “wait, this isn’t who I want to be.”
Throughout High School, I was always that kid at the back of the class that hardly talked to anyone, and just stuck to her own group of ‘friends.’ I found friendship especially challenging in my early teenage years, and for the first time in my life, I will openly come out and say that I was subject to months of bullying.
I figured that being mocked and ridiculed for who I was on a daily basis was normal. I put up with it all because I figured that I wasn’t worthy enough to have any ‘proper friends.’ I kind of figured that the people that were worthy of that were the ‘popular ones’- the people with their own cliques, and I ultimately was a shy outsider.
I soon began to realise that I was, and am, worth much more than that. It even got to one point in High School where I would have quite happily moved schools without a trace. I think a lot of what I went through has also contributed to my anxiety. I don’t want to go into anymore detail into what happened exactly- but in some ways, it made me stronger.
You are not a reflection of other people’s perceptions of you, but rather your own. I am a strong believer that finding confidence in yourself is also a fundamental part to becoming who you’re meant to be. If people choose to overlook your positive aspects- then that’s their problem. Honestly, I wish I was as confident in High School as I was in college. I wish I made as many friends in High School as college, and in some ways, I wish I had blossomed into myself sooner.
Although I have changed throughout the past three years, or even six months, I know and understand that there is still a long way to go. I will never be perfect, and that’s okay. I have done and said things that I deeply regret; but would you really be living if you never had those times?
For now, I am in a happy place with myself. It is the most liberating feeling hearing and seeing people from even High School acknowledge that I have changed. I’m not that ‘shy’ and ‘self conscious’ girl that sad quietly at the back of the class anymore. And I may not be the stubborn girl I am now in ten years time. Who knows.
I like to think of this as a sort of journey. If you think you know me, you most probably don’t. I am always changing and improving. I am always working on myself and working on who I am. Sometimes give people a chance though, it’s easy to forget that everyone is still ‘finding themselves’ at some point in their lives.
Love and happiness always,