A reflection on relationships

I am currently sat in a coffee shop huddled in the corner looking at 4 walls.

I feel so comfortable in whatever blurts out from my head so I guess this is going to be a post about something which has been whirling round in my life since June. Something which I have alluded to in a lot of my blog posts, but in which I have never openly come out and talked about in detail.

In some ways, this is my break-up letter. Even though, who writes letters anymore anyway? This is more of a letter of happiness, rather than sadness. I’m done with the whole ‘crying until I fall asleep’ and ‘sleeping in the day just to pass time’ type of emotion which my break-up brought me.

In fact, this is a thank you. A thank you to my break-up. Without it, I don’t think I would be in such a good place right now. I feel like I always get reminded that it’s the hard times that make us human, or that the hard times shape us into who we are today… and this couldn’t be more true today. Sure, there are worse things in life that go on other than break-ups; but they still hurt and they still suck.

I feel like songs constantly talk about break-ups with either emotions of sadness and despair, or the message that says “HEY I HATE MY EX AND THAT’S THAT.” I don’t think I have ever heard a song for a long time that looks back on a break-up with gratitude. I don’t know, does that still make me human? The fact that I’m grateful for someone I once loved leaving me?

Break-ups can bring so many negatives. In many ways, you ask yourself if you really are worthy to let someone into your life and feel loved by another soul again. It’s that stage where you feel utter despair and hopelessness- and I hope to never experience a break-up again in all honesty.

Do I regret my ex relationship? No. I think if I did, I wouldn’t have had the ability to grow or learn. I mean, that’s what relationships are; a sort of journey and hopefully at some point, that journey ends and you’ll settle with someone for the rest of your life. I often look at my parents and admire their relationship. After 19 years of being together, they are still in love and they hardly argue. I hope one day that can be me, but for now I’m just living for the present.

I have never been the sort of person to ‘seek’ a relationship. The idea of me being single totally appeals to me, and I am so happy being independent and single; or independent and in a relationship. But I look back on 2016 and wow, what a learning process it has been. I sure as hell cried a lot, but now those tears have turned into tears of joy and genuine happiness. Into someone who managed to find herself again.

This isn’t a letter of hate, that emotion doesn’t even come into my head anymore when i think of my past relationship. I would rather use this as an opportunity to reflect and be thankful. My break-up made me stronger. It allowed me to grow as an individual and do things I never imagined I would. For instance, my blog was straight up created as a way for me to heal through my break-up. And now, I can proudly say that I have healed. I have healed in more ways than I ever thought I would.

Let like work itself out how it does. Maybe my break-up was a way of the world showing me that I was a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. No matter how many times I get told by the people around me that I am one of the strongest people they’ve ever met, I never used to believe it. Now however, I believe that I am strong enough to conquer anything. Not just break-ups, but my high functioning anxiety that comes with it.

To my ex, thank you. I genuinely hope you’re as happy as I am right now. This isn’t a dig. Or hatred. This is a simple thank you. I hope one day everything I told you about yourself will soon make sense. Find your own potential and just feel alive.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca







My thoughts in a letter…

missing quote

“To anonymous, from Becca.”

One of the main reasons I created this blog was so I could put my feelings down somewhere. As a person who occasionally has so many thoughts and feelings roaming around my head all at once, I find that sometimes it helps to pour my feelings into writing. In some ways this post is going to be like a letter. A letter for someone in which I may not want to say this to them personally, but I need to let my feelings of the matter out somewhere. And here is my safe place to do so. Now, you may be wondering why you’re halfway into reading the introduction of a blog post which is a ‘letter’ for one certain person only. However, I have found that exploring other people’s feelings on certain matters, can help channel my own. I hope in this blog post that you are able to open your eyes to emotions. To how crucial personal emotions are to an individual and how they are nothing to ultimately be ashamed of.

Time. Memories. Hurt. Pain. Loss. They are all factors which are included in my scary, yet exciting journey, to move on. The thing with relationships, is that they begin and they end. To me, it’s scary going from being “everything” to someone, to “nothing” in the space of 24 hours. To me, it’s scary from being able to be there for someone and to care for them, to them shutting you out of their life completely. It’s scary, and it does hurt. To have everything and then have nothing. And that’s what I did have. I had everything I wanted at this point in my life, and sometimes you don’t realise it until it’s too late. I had someone who I cared about more than I had with anyone else before- and I don’t know why this person was different. If you’ve read my piece on the healing heart, you may see a lot of comparisons when it comes to topics of writing in this post.

It’s funny, isn’t it? The feeling of missing someone and not knowing if they feel the same back. Or if they still even remember if you exist. If you randomly cross their mind, or if they’ve wiped you from their life and memory completely and are moving on to bigger and better things. Missing someone is one of the most powerful feelings you can endure. You don’t know what it feels like to miss someone until it happens, but at the same time, you know they probably don’t feel the same back. It’s a vicious circle of your feelings, missing someone, and then hating yourself for feeling so strongly about someone who you’re unsure as to whether they even still like you or not. It’s such a complicated emotion. You tear yourself apart with the happy memories as cliché as it may sound, and you let them linger constantly in your mind. These past couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. From being hurt, and then telling myself I don’t care, to admitting to myself I do care. In break ups, self pride is such a big thing that we sometimes use it to make ourselves feel better. But do you know what I’ve realised? I have no shame in missing someone. I have no shame in looking back on my relationship and knowing what I did right and wrong. I have no shame in feeling a thousand different emotions on this matter, because if I didn’t, did my relationship really mean as much to me as I thought it did?

“It hurts missing someone and not being able to do anything about it.”

The sad truth about me is that I’m hard to love. It takes me a lot to really fall for someone, let alone really love someone, which is why it hurts so much. I build my guard up so high- scared to let people in due to the constant fear of them hurting me. I spend relationships in worry, in wanting reassurance that I won’t be left and that this isn’t some ‘joke’ just so people can laugh and make fun of me at the end of it all. I guess that has something to do with my anxiety. I once got told that I was “the best person to walk into [insert name’s] life.” And you know what my initial reaction was? That they were lying. How could someone who can’t even love themselves properly yet be loved by someone else? It was such a foreign concept to me. But at the same time, I felt I wasn’t good enough. I was told all this and my mind was filled with, “What if you’re not good enough,” “You don’t deserve him, he can do better.” It’s not a healthy mind set to be in when you’re in a relationship, despite being reassured countless times that this wasn’t the case. Me building my walls up so high and then letting them come crashing down ruined us in the end. It’s scary to think that despite how much I was worried about not being good enough. I ended up not being good enough just by worrying over it, ultimately.

And then there’s the feelings on my end. Have you ever had someone who you care about so much that you would do anything for them and you don’t know why? It’s like they entered your life for a reason, but that reason is still unknown. I felt, and still feel, so much care and compassion for this individual that it’s hard to describe. I think it’s because I understand them and their feelings more than I think they do. They spend their life hiding their true feelings in fear, and it was like a puzzle for me to work out. He ultimately had his guard up too. I think that’s what made him one of the strongest people I have ever encountered. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be different to anyone he’d previously been with and I wanted to be better. I wanted to show him what it felt like to genuinely feel cared for and to find comfort in me being his ‘safe place,’ the option was always open if he needed someone to talk to, but it wasn’t required. The fact that even though he’s scared of getting hurt, he still tries to hide that he does. Ultimately, he became scared that I was going to “fall out of love with him,” which was never the case, and I can confidently say never will be the case. Like I mentioned in my healing heart post, love doesn’t just die if it genuinely is love. The fact is, no matter what, I will still be there for this person. If they need someone to work out their feelings for them. If they’re ever scared of anything. If they ever need someone to talk to. But he ran. And he’s still running.

My main message is to not give up on someone you deeply care about. Don’t shut them out. Don’t leave them in the dark. Be there, always. I may have lost this person who means more to me than I ever imagined they would, but you don’t have to make the same mistake I made. Tell that person you’ve wanted to for so long that you love them. Hold your boyfriend or girlfriend tight and don’t let them go. At the end of the day, what have you got to loose? Be grateful for who’s in your life, and be grateful for the people who truly cared about you because you may never know what tomorrow might bring. It truly hurts loosing someone who brought so much light and happiness into your life.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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