Why my anxiety will never win

It’s not a secret that I have anxiety. Hi, yes I panic over people hating me, my friends not wanting to be my friends, and being a burdern to everyone in my life. Sounds dark when I put it like that, but it isn’t. I’m happy and positive 95% of the time. 

As completely irrational as it may sound to someone who has never had mental health issues before, it’s like constantly living with a ‘linger.’ It’s going to sleep happy you’ve had a ‘good day’ with low anxiety levels, and then waking up the next day and for some reason having a ‘bad day.’

When I talk about my anxiety, I am normally open about the thoughts and feelings that ferociously overflow my mind. As dark and depressing as it may sound, I live my life in the fear of people hating me. I could say something, and beat myself up over it for a good 3 days afterwards. I could worry about being alone and having no one whilst I have an amazing support group of people that surround me.

I recently had an encounter which made me extremely anxious. One thing I hate is being stared at and ridiculed, which happened to me recently and left my anxiety sky high. Although many people may have either brushed this off, or approached the person responsible and started an argument; this event left me house bound for 2 days. I had to drag myself out of the house on the following Tuesday. I was so displaced in who I was that I began to believe that I deserved to be mocked and humiliated- when I clearly don’t. The reason why I was put in that uncomfortable position is still a mystery to me, but it was the effects after what happened which triggered my anxiety to the worst point it’s been (probably ever).

When it comes to my anxious thoughts, I take comfort in a ‘safe place’ where I can talk to someone and let my thoughts and feelings out in complete confidence. Although my ‘safe place’ is no longer around, I have created my own ‘safe place’ in myself with a general plan of what to do when my anxiety reaches frightening points and I simply feel hopeless.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a blog post on my new semi colon tattoo. In all honesty, my tattoo has helped act as a personal reminder that my story is not ready to end. Shoutout to my anxiety- you will not win. Although I reach points of such hopelessness, separation and displacement; my high anxious times normally pass. I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, and sometimes being reminded of that helps me realise that my anxiety and my anxious thoughts don’t deserve to impact so much on my health and it’s all about control.

As completely absurd as this may seem to someone who struggles with anxiety like me, I now also put myself in purposeful anxious positions to show myself that I can do it. When I am in the right frame of mind, I become determined enough to order my own food, go out on my own, go to events by myself or even silly things like walking down a busy street and turning round to go in a different direction. When this blog post goes up, I’ll be at the Bloggers Blog Award event on my own. I would never have done that 3 months ago.

My anxiety does not difine me. It’s as simple as that. Ironically, I am a pretty happy and positive person. Just because my brain is wired differently compared to other people doesn’t suddenly mean that I am dark and depressed all the time. Because the reality is, I’m not. I am finally at a point where I’m understanding my mental health. Where I am ready to say “HI ANXIETY YOU WILL NOT WIN,” but also accept that it’s okay if I have a ‘bad day’ because it’s going to happen. Where I have finally plucked up the courage to admit that I need help in order to help keep my anxiety under control (yes, after months of waiting and years of putting it off after fear, I have finally been referred to a mental health clinic). Small, but positive steps… right?

My anxiety will always be there in some shape or form. The sad thing about mental health illnesses, is that they don’t just disappear. It will always linger, and it will always be a constant battle. Just because I seem happy one day doesn’t automatically mean that the thoughts of hopelessness and the fear of people completely hating me just don’t go away like magic. But who I fundamentally am and my personality will always be bigger and a more dominant part of me than my anxiety. Because I’ve accepted that I can suffer from anxiety, and love making friends. I can suffer from anxiety, and still be independent. My mental health will not replace the fundamental qualities of who I am.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca


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