Relationships: An update


Okay, maybe I should’ve renamed the title ‘an update of my single life,’ but why not throw in a bit of imagination… right?

The fact is, yes I’m still single, and yes I’m still happy blogging about it. But I’ve recently been thinking about how I deal with being single, rather than how it feels.

I’m one of those’ singles who actually likes it. I like my alone time as it is, so being single is like second nature to me. No, that’s not sarcastic as much as it sounded. Rather, I find it rewarding. A way in which I can find out more about myself, before anyone else finds out those parts of me. A space for me to grow, before I have the opportunity to grow with someone else.

But how do I deal with being single? Honestly, not very well. I’m ‘that’ single (yes, I used that phrase again), that would rather act like they don’t care. Someone of the opposite sex showing any type of interest in me? I shut them off. Someone of the opposite sex tries to make effort with me? I shut them off even more. I don’t know if it’s because I’m stubborn, afraid of feelings, would rather be ‘sassy’ like I don’t care; or a mix of all three.

I don’t know if I’ve developed feelings for anyone anymore because I am so used to getting let down. I hate letting my walls down for someone, so I simply don’t do it anymore. I make life hard work, for myself and for the other person, that in the end it just simply isn’t worth it. I’m too stubborn for my own good sometimes, and really don’t take feelings or anything seriously anymore. That may have something to do with past experiences (*cough, cough*), but hey, my life motto at the moment seems to go something like, “Who knows?”

When the right person comes along, and puts up with my stubborn behaviour, then great. Maybe it’s meant to be. Maybe I’m playing a game that isn’t fair, or maybe I’m simply playing myself out of potential relationships. Who knows? I guess I’ll update you if anything interesting happens; but until then, here’s to being stubborn and being single. Maybe I’ll change one day for someone who deserves it.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

Why I hate modern day dating


It’s been a while since I have done a ‘relationships’ themed blog post, but something has been stuck on my mind on repeat for a few weeks now which has to have it’s own escape.

It’s no secret that I suck when it comes to boys. I don’t know if it’s because I’m so stubborn that I would rather ‘keep myself to myself’ rather than let a boy even talk to me, or because I simply don’t believe anyone could be genuinely interested in me.

But you know, on them odd occasions where I do let someone in, the whole dating / texting thing annoys the shit out of me. All the games. How nothing is as simple as, “Hey, want to go for coffee sometime?” I like straight to the point. I like people who show interest because I always think the opposite.

Sure, the chase is fun. I like being able to chase someone, and have someone chase me. Dating is a game at the end of the day, but do I really want to play it? The fact that it is almost ‘forbidden’ to text someone back straight away because you’re seen as ‘too keen.’ Nah, I just happened to have my phone on me at the time. Just like if I don’t text you back after 3 hours, I was probably busy living my life.

Everything is so casual. It takes a lot for me to admit I like someone in that way (mainly because I’m too independent and stubborn for my own good), but when I do- it’s just another game. God forbid you text someone for weeks on end and you’re not allowed to have feelings. God forbid that you spend your time on texting someone, when at the end of it all, you’re the ‘crazy’ one for catching feelings- because it’s just harmless fun, right? It feels like dating is a mockery and it utterly angers me how people are shamed so much.

Look at break-ups for example. I seemed to have ‘forgotten’ that even though I got cheated on and hurt, I can’t actually show any emotion. I mean why do people hurt after break-ups anyway- just move on. Lol. That was clearly sarcastic, but you get my point. Let yourself fucking hurt, and then let yourself heal into a better person. And I am not ashamed that I have done just that. So fuck you to anyone who watched me hurt and rolled their eyes. Who cares? We’re all just emotionless robots, aren’t we? *rolls eyes.*

Well, it inspired this blog so there’s that.

And I guess that’s why I hate dating / talking / texting / anything relationship orientated. I . just . can’t . do . it . The pathetic games, the laughs when you get hurt. It all doesn’t seem worth it to loose myself in the process. Maybe I’m too stubborn. Maybe I’ll die single. But I’d rather be single then be caught up in constant games.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

A build up of everything


Something kind of just popped in my brain. Like something in which I have been hiding away for so long suddenly made sense. As to why I feel things that I wish I didn’t feel. As to why certain emotions have led me to do things that is out of character. As to why I should sometimes listen to my emotions.

A few months ago, I thought that the solution to feeling hurt, upset and total emotion was to just bottle everything up and act like it simply wasn’t there. I actually didn’t give myself time to hurt, or recover from hurt, and it just caused my emotions to build up more and more. At the time, I never really realised this, but now I have realised that listening to myself and my own mind is healthiest.

The fact is, we all hurt sometimes. Shit happens. Things happen that cause us to be upset, cry, huddle into a bawl and not want to come out. But sometimes you’ve got to embrace that as odd as it sounds. I never enabled myself to feel that kind of pain because I simply didn’t want to. I kept bandaging it up and hoping for the best, and it’s caused this whole shebang. This whole blog post.

I know this blog post won’t make a lot of sense to some of you reading this right now, and that’s totally okay. I just wanted somewhere to put all my thoughts, feelings, and most importantly emotions without feeling like I was being watched or judged. Because the fact is, I’ve spent the past year of my life feeling like people are watching my every move. Like they’re ready to jump and pounce on me every mistake I make, and as much as that shouldn’t bother me (and for a long time didn’t), I’m human, and it does.

I want to make my own peace with my own self and my own mind. I want to stop acting out in anger and spite, because that simply is not me- or who I aspire to be. Wow that rhymes. Because the fact is, the things that bother us deep down may cause us to do stupid things, and all I can do is apologise; to myself especially. I wanted to make this year the year in which I stuck to my own mind. My own wishes, and lived life for myself. Here’s to listening to my emotions for once without bottling them up, and being the passive person I wan to be.

Stay true to who you are, even if you may waver at times. Those around you know the real you, no matter what mistakes you may make.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

New beginnings

I have recently said and done some things that I deeply regret. In all honesty, I’ve spent the last 24 hours beating myself up about those things. I’m the sort of person who completely hates drama, or arguments, or anything in between; but I always seem to find myself getting involved in them… head first… at 50 mph without meaning to.

So what am I going to do about it? What am I going to do to try to sort all this out in my own head and give myself some peace for once? I decided to tackle this by writing it all down here, in this blog post. Because the fact of the matter is that I will make mistakes. I will do things that I regret. I’ll sit there and think, “come on Becca, just stop.” I’ll just start again.

I am far from perfect. I don’t ever claim to be, and I don’t ever claim to have everything in check all the time. I don’t think I would be human if I did everything right. I have feelings, and sometimes feelings and emotion can get the better of me (as much as I try not to let it).

I want to leave the past in the past so incredibly much, yet something always seems to happen to bring it back to present day. It’s like something that I can’t seem to get rid of, and it worms it’s way back in. One thing after another. Constantly.

I vowed that 2017 would be a year of new beginnings. Motivation. Practice. Peace. And looking after myself first and foremost for once ! And in most ways, that has been the case. I am incredibly proud and humbled with everything that I have achieved this year already- and I am incredibly proud of being able to acknowledge what, and who, is good or bad for my health.

But like I said, I can’t be in check all the time. If someone claims to be perfect all the time and never admits to making mistakes, don’t believe them. It is a basic human trait. You have to make mistakes, to learn. You have to regret things, to vow never to do them again. You have to mess up sometimes so you can bounce back as a stronger and better you.

I feel like I am constantly screaming over who I am. I feel constantly misunderstood, or judged like people know the background reasoning behind my actions. Why I do things. Why I say things. When in all honesty, I don’t think even I have an explanation regarding some of my actions. If you think you know me, you most probably don’t; even I’m still trying to work that part out. But my mistakes do not make me a bad person. They do not undermine the fundamental factors about myself that I seem to want to embrace the most. They do not define me.

I am brave enough to sit here and admit to my mistakes. To look back at actions that I regret and realise why I messed up that one time. But here’s to new beginnings. Here’s to my new job, my new friends, starting the gym. Here’s to recovery and looking after my own mental health first and foremost. And you know what? Here’s to embracing who I am; despite all my mistakes. Because I’m human, and I’m proud of not claiming otherwise.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

Caring without caring…


You know that feeling when you reflect so deeply on people who have left your life? When you think, “did that really happen for a reason?” or, “was that really best for me?” I seem to be doing that a lot tonight, and I feel like I need to express my utter gratitude from what I’ve found.
Sometimes you don’t see the bigger picture at the time, I certainly didn’t. I just saw what I wanted, and what I THOUGHT was best for me; WHO I thought was best for me. But sometimes, that isn’t the case. Sometimes, those who decide to leave you in the most heartless of ways are those who are most beneficial to you as a person. Ironic right?

You see, I look back at all the tears I shed. And all the nights I stayed up crying, and hoping, and wishing. How I blamed everything on myself, and the only person to blame was the other person at the end of the spectrum. I beat myself up over something that I wasn’t deserved of. I took everything I had inside me, and I threw it back at myself. I ended up being toxic to my own self because of someone simply not caring about me like I thought they did.

Now I could go on and on about how hurt I may have been. Or how people aren’t who you think they are. But I’m not going to do that. I spent so long caring, so long looking over someone who just didn’t see it at all. Who still doesn’t see it. And although that’s still the case, my own personal self will not be put on the line for someone who ultimately won’t do the same back.

Because as much as you want to ‘save’ a person. As much as you want to make sure they’re okay, you have to think, “am I destroying myself by doing this?” And in my case, the answer was, and still is, yes.

Sometimes you’ve got to take a step back and let people live their lives for themselves. As much as you want to watch over them. As much as you deeply long to care. Because if they mess up, it’s okay. People mess up. Find comfort in knowing that you’ll be there for them when they’re ready for you love and care, and when you’re ready to give them that.

Bottom line: don’t put yourself on the line for someone who wouldn’t do the same for you. Give that love to someone else, but don’t be heartless about it- nor naive. Find comfort in your own self to know what you want- and most importantly, what you need.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

Some things are meant to be


Here I go again, writing and thinking about the deepest of things. I’m an avid thinker about life. It seems like it’s the only thing that constantly roams around my brain. From the past, to the future. To people present in my life, to people who used to be in my life.

One philosophy that I live by is definitely the idea that ‘life works in weird and wonderful ways’ and that everything really does happen for a reason. I don’t believe we all have a set plan, it’s up to us to decide what we do with our lives without it being pre-determined, but that things happen for the positive sometimes.

If you have read my blog since I started blogging (wow that seems like yesterday but I’ve been blogging for over 6 months now???) you may have noticed that I don’t take people leaving my life very well. I have lost people who I loved dearly, whether that’s friends or otherwise. See where I’m going with this? Nevertheless, I take comfort in knowing that these setbacks can lead to bigger and better.

It’s a bit like relationships. If you don’t break up with someone, then you can’t progress and do better. Whatever happens next will make break-ups seem like a complete blessing. I actually read something interesting on this yesterday and it really stood out to me.

There are hundreds of boys out there who are so much better to the ex you had previously. Think about it, this world is full of billions of people. Billions of unique, amazing people. Give it time.

I decided to add in that little quote that I typed on my notes when I was thinking about this for anyone who may be struggling with a break-up in general. This idea helped me immensely get over someone, and I hope that you can find comfort in this too.

When it comes to friends, well. All I will say is that you are in control of your own life. Don’t settle for second best, and take comfort in the idea that life will end up working itself out in the end. Sometimes there’s a bigger reason as to why we need to cut out people of our lives- even if we don’t manage to see it at the time.

Another rambling post, but you guys seem to enjoy these kind of posts where there’s no organisation and my thoughts just pour out onto my keyboard.Some things really were just meant to happen.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Putting yourself first


So this is going to be another one of those blog posts that are completely jumbled and is just all my emotions blurted into one rambling piece of writing while my eyes are hurting from being so tired and drained. But nevertheless, here it goes.

I recently vowed to myself that I would not settle for anything less than I deserve. I probably spend the majority of 2016 being messed about by people who simply didn’t deserve my time, effort, or even myself. I don’t care if it’s a boy, friend, cat or goldfish- I won’t expose myself to the amount of hurt that I have endured previously.

I think it’s so liberating when you finally know you’re own worth. It’s like the whole feeling of, “wow. You know what? I do deserve better.” As someone who used to beat herself up over people constantly hating her, it is the most amazing feeling knowing that I won’t settle for something I’m simply not happy with.

I am dedicating myself to me, and to the people around me whom I love and cherish the most. It’s not in a selfish way, but sometimes, that’s the most important. I say it all the time (I know!), but you are your own longest commitment. Look after yourself and your own feelings. Don’t spend your life around people who make you feel less than you should.

I guess a lot of these thoughts and feelings lead onto the subject of boys, and relationship in general. Okay we gathered, I suck at all that kind of stuff, but I’m not going to spend my time on a boy, or anyone for that matter, who won’t make the effort to come and see me. Who won’t give back as much effort as I am putting in. I have learnt the hard way that it’s just not worth it. I would rather be single than be with someone who makes me feel any less than how I should feel.

I look back at what I’ve just wrote with utter astonishment, in a good sort of way. This time last year, I would have never felt as confident in myself and what I’m worth as I do now. I am a human, and I deserve to be loved and cherished like one just as I give back. Don’t spend your time giving 100% to someone when you’re getting 50% back. Yes, i know, I did say this would be a rambled post.

Confidence in yourself is empowering and liberating and utterly amazing. Don’t ever confuse it for being vain, rather knowing you’re own worth.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Optimism


It’s a whole new year, and you have probably heard the phrase ‘new year, new me’ used countless times. Granted, I used to use that phrase myself, but over time I have realised, “really??” I think a new year holds new optimism and opportunities rather than a whole new, and different, person.

I have never felt so confident at the start of a year before. Normally, I assume that every year will be the same as the last. I’ll go to school. Maybe make new friendships. Maybe try at least one new thing. But this year seems different in a good kind of way. A lot has changed since this time last year- for one, I’ve finished education so I actually have more time to do things with my life.

This year holds so much optimism because there are so many amazing opportunities out there just waiting for me. Whether that’s in friendship, love, relationships, job prospects, or anything in between. I feel as though last year is helping my own growth into this year and the prospects really are endless.

It’s a new year. I feel as though people say this all the time (“blank slate” and all that), but it truly is. I feel like a fresh start is just what I need right now, a time to destress, get rid of all the toxic vibes, and just create new memories. Towards the end of last year I began to realise that life really is too short. Take every year as it comes, and just live for once and feel alive. Take life, and do what makes you happy because it’s the most amazing feeling.

I really hope I end this year with as much optimism as I have begun it with. Leave the past in the past, and create more positive moments. I think that is especially true of last year, and the idea of a new beginning completely excites me. Who knows where I’ll be 6 months from now. Who knows what I’ll even be writing about on here 6 months from now. Who knows how many amazing people I’ll be lucky enough to meet this year. I think it’s also the idea of ‘not knowing’ but being completely overwhelmed and excited with the idea of a new chapter in life. Here’s to 2017 and whatever weird and wonderful things may come with it.

Watch this space.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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A mix of emotions


This blog post actually wasn’t meant to go up today, or even be written at all but I have become so consumed in my thoughts, feelings, and life tonight that I couldn’t not express everything in one rambling post.

If you read my, ‘A conclusion’ post, then you kind of have a head start when it comes to this post, because it leads on from that. Of course, that post was meant to be a conclusion, and ending. But unfortunately, everything hasn’t just stopped there and I needed to confess everything here before my mind physically combusts. Wait, can that actually happen?

Nevertheless, I am absolutely petrified to post this, and I shouldn’t be. I don’t know what I am ultimately scared of, but it’s something. The thing is, people sometimes aren’t who you think they are. Sometimes they can end up being the total opposite, and completely shock you.

In a way, a part of me still loves the genuine person that is behind whatever else seems to be going on at the moment which is much to my annoyance. And yes, ‘the thing going on’ just so happens to be cheating. But I guess you can’t help how you feel. A part of me wants to look at the bigger picture and not just see things as black and white. There must be a main motivation behind someone’s hurtful actions, even if you may not be able to see them at first. However, that doesn’t mean that they should be discounted or justified.

As much as their actions can’t be defended, I think it’s also important to not blindly look at who they actually are. People see wonderful things in other people that they don’t happen to see in themselves, and I feel like this is certainly the case in this situation. Because as much as I want to proclaim hatred, talk about how mad and annoyed I may be, or simply kick off screaming and shouting, I won’t.

I care about this person more than I probably have anyone else, and after everything that’s happened please don’t ask me why. Yes, I’m probably naive and I hate myself for it. But people aren’t all bad, and cheating certainly isn’t the worst thing that happens in this world.

For now, I am going to calmly sit back and hope that somehow, someway, things sort themselves. That in time, this person will truly find themselves and truly grow. As cliche as it sounds, I think that’s it really. We grow and learn, and I guess this person that I have been talking about in this blog post will do that in their own time.

Am I surprised at how this blog post has panned out? In a way, yes. This person seemed to have hurt me, and just left quicker than he came. I don’t see how I can still have no negative feelings for someone like that- and in some ways I guess that shows strength. Because at the end of the day, despite everything that may be going on- or have gone on, there are people that genuinely love and care for this person, including me. And ultimately, even if I am a forgotten part of the distant past.

Life works in mysterious and wonderful ways. Things happen sometimes that catch you off guard, that can sometimes get to you, but make you realise that we are all humans and ‘sucky’ things happen. But at the end of the day, it’s what you do with those situations and how you let them affect you. And in all honesty, I’m good. I’m happy. And I’m certainly not hurt by the events, just reflective. Everything is life experience at the end of the day, even this.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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A conclusion

So here it goes.

I don’t know what I want to title this post, or if it will even be published for the whole world to see on the internet. But for now, this is going to be a post that comes from one of the deepest parts of emotion. A post which is probably a conclusion to everything I have been writing since July. Probably one of the most emotional, and personal blog posts yet.

I never like to keep anything secret on my blog. This is a little corner for me to express everything I want to, without me needing to sugarcoat anything. Everything is real, and is a reflection of who I am and my life.

The truth is that I once loved someone who meant a great deal to me. Someone who meant more to me than I ever anticipated, and as cliche as it sounds, was probably my first love. I have recently found out something about that relationship that somehow seemed to make sense. I was lied to. Stuff went on behind my back. It was that sort of relationship that I look back on where I can’t seem to distinguish what was real and what was totally fake anymore.

I think you can all understand what I am alluding to in this post, and although for so long I thought it did happen, it’s real now that I have had assurance of my thoughts.

Do I hate my ex who lied to me for three months? Probably not. The thing with me is that I seem to see the good in everyone, and that can be annoying- especially at times like this. Am I hurting? Probably not anymore. Did I cry? No.

You see, this isn’t a blog post full of hatred and sadness at all. In fact, it’s simply a conclusion to my story which I have been writing about for 6 months now. Sometimes one person can love another more than they receive back. Sometimes it’s moments like this that make you realise, “Wait. I am stronger than this.” I am.

You’d think cheating would break a person, and in some ways it can do.But the truth is, you were always good enough- and always will be. Just because another human doesn’t see that, doesn’t mean you should degrade yourself. Blessings happen, and this was one of them. Someone will come along who is worthy of my love. Soon.

I’m not going to “expose” my ex, or even tell him I hate him. I don’t, and I think that says it all. He’s living his life, and I’m living mine. I have never been so happy in my life, and I think this situation is living proof of just how much of a better place I am in.

So there we have it. All my current thoughts written in one rambling blog post that just so happens to have a more positive outcome than it may first seem. Some people are simply in your life for life experience, and valuable experience at that.

Stay positive and know your worth. You are not a reflection of other people’s actions against you, nor should you put yourself down for simply being yourself. Don’t regret loving someone who didn’t deserve you in the first place, but also don’t be afraid to love someone again. Someone, somewhere, admires every single little thing about you and would do anything to cherish that. Whether that exists now, or in ten years. You’ve got this- you’re strong, and independent, and I have all faith in you. In fact, I have all faith in myself.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

note: this post was written purely for my own mental benefit. I don’t have any form of hatred towards any parties ever involved, and never could have. Live your life by staying humble and true to your own morals. x

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