New beginnings

I have recently said and done some things that I deeply regret. In all honesty, I’ve spent the last 24 hours beating myself up about those things. I’m the sort of person who completely hates drama, or arguments, or anything in between; but I always seem to find myself getting involved in them… head first… at 50 mph without meaning to.

So what am I going to do about it? What am I going to do to try to sort all this out in my own head and give myself some peace for once? I decided to tackle this by writing it all down here, in this blog post. Because the fact of the matter is that I will make mistakes. I will do things that I regret. I’ll sit there and think, “come on Becca, just stop.” I’ll just start again.

I am far from perfect. I don’t ever claim to be, and I don’t ever claim to have everything in check all the time. I don’t think I would be human if I did everything right. I have feelings, and sometimes feelings and emotion can get the better of me (as much as I try not to let it).

I want to leave the past in the past so incredibly much, yet something always seems to happen to bring it back to present day. It’s like something that I can’t seem to get rid of, and it worms it’s way back in. One thing after another. Constantly.

I vowed that 2017 would be a year of new beginnings. Motivation. Practice. Peace. And looking after myself first and foremost for once ! And in most ways, that has been the case. I am incredibly proud and humbled with everything that I have achieved this year already- and I am incredibly proud of being able to acknowledge what, and who, is good or bad for my health.

But like I said, I can’t be in check all the time. If someone claims to be perfect all the time and never admits to making mistakes, don’t believe them. It is a basic human trait. You have to make mistakes, to learn. You have to regret things, to vow never to do them again. You have to mess up sometimes so you can bounce back as a stronger and better you.

I feel like I am constantly screaming over who I am. I feel constantly misunderstood, or judged like people know the background reasoning behind my actions. Why I do things. Why I say things. When in all honesty, I don’t think even I have an explanation regarding some of my actions. If you think you know me, you most probably don’t; even I’m still trying to work that part out. But my mistakes do not make me a bad person. They do not undermine the fundamental factors about myself that I seem to want to embrace the most. They do not define me.

I am brave enough to sit here and admit to my mistakes. To look back at actions that I regret and realise why I messed up that one time. But here’s to new beginnings. Here’s to my new job, my new friends, starting the gym. Here’s to recovery and looking after my own mental health first and foremost. And you know what? Here’s to embracing who I am; despite all my mistakes. Because I’m human, and I’m proud of not claiming otherwise.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

An update on everything ‘life’

I pondered over whether or not I wanted to write all this and publish it on here, but I also came to the conclusion that my blog was created as my own little space to write whatever I wanted, so here I am.

To be honest, I thought I would miss a blog post upload this week- or even a few. I have been so stressed out lately, so wrapped up in emotions, that I have completely deteriorated myself again. I decided to take a step back from everything and everyone for a while (as much as I hate doing this), so me writing this blog post right now is pretty much a miracle.

If you have been reading my blog since September (ish), you’ll be aware that I was referred for ‘cognitive behavioural therapy’ for my anxiety. At the time of my referral, it felt like I was screaming out for some sort of help and support. Some things are hard to cope with on your own, and at the time, I was finding it extra difficult. Anyway, 5 months on (yes, the waiting list was meant to be 9 weeks BUT), I finally have my appointment and I begin therapy next week.

I have recently seen myself become fragmented when it comes to those around me. I don’t feel like I’m ‘me’ at the moment, and I have certainly lost all energy to go out and socialise with friends. It feels like I’m in that bubble again, but I am pushing myself slowly but surely. I am going to the gym tomorrow, and I am trying to get out of the house as much as possible.

As I feel myself going backwards again, I feel like the phone call about my therapy appointment came at the perfect time. It feels like I’m ‘sticking it out’ until next Wednesday and I’m trying so incredibly hard to stay calm, positive and healthy.

Because of this, I have taken myself away from most social media sites for a while, at least. A little ‘me’ time. A time for me to regroup and find myself again if you like. I am an avid believer that as amazing as social media is, and as supportive as it can be, sometimes it can be unhealthy for the mind and taking a step back from it sometimes isn’t necessarily a bad thing. (Ironic seen as I’m looking at studying digital marketing at university next year but that’s another topic for another day).

But, these past few weeks have also had a ton of positives. I got a new job !!!! I am trying out new things, and broadening my horizons as they say, and I feel like this job is the perfect opportunity for that. I am extremely overwhelmed at myself for having the confidence to go to an interview, smash it, and come out with a contracted job with an okay pay. Onwards and upwards.

I feel like my life is changing again, and I have noticed that I get to my worst points when this happens. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t take well to change, or to life going in a different direction than planned; but I think taking time out to myself, starting my new job, and starting therapy again will work out for the positive in the end.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

Caring without caring…


You know that feeling when you reflect so deeply on people who have left your life? When you think, “did that really happen for a reason?” or, “was that really best for me?” I seem to be doing that a lot tonight, and I feel like I need to express my utter gratitude from what I’ve found.
Sometimes you don’t see the bigger picture at the time, I certainly didn’t. I just saw what I wanted, and what I THOUGHT was best for me; WHO I thought was best for me. But sometimes, that isn’t the case. Sometimes, those who decide to leave you in the most heartless of ways are those who are most beneficial to you as a person. Ironic right?

You see, I look back at all the tears I shed. And all the nights I stayed up crying, and hoping, and wishing. How I blamed everything on myself, and the only person to blame was the other person at the end of the spectrum. I beat myself up over something that I wasn’t deserved of. I took everything I had inside me, and I threw it back at myself. I ended up being toxic to my own self because of someone simply not caring about me like I thought they did.

Now I could go on and on about how hurt I may have been. Or how people aren’t who you think they are. But I’m not going to do that. I spent so long caring, so long looking over someone who just didn’t see it at all. Who still doesn’t see it. And although that’s still the case, my own personal self will not be put on the line for someone who ultimately won’t do the same back.

Because as much as you want to ‘save’ a person. As much as you want to make sure they’re okay, you have to think, “am I destroying myself by doing this?” And in my case, the answer was, and still is, yes.

Sometimes you’ve got to take a step back and let people live their lives for themselves. As much as you want to watch over them. As much as you deeply long to care. Because if they mess up, it’s okay. People mess up. Find comfort in knowing that you’ll be there for them when they’re ready for you love and care, and when you’re ready to give them that.

Bottom line: don’t put yourself on the line for someone who wouldn’t do the same for you. Give that love to someone else, but don’t be heartless about it- nor naive. Find comfort in your own self to know what you want- and most importantly, what you need.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

A life change


You are in control of your own life. Your own desires. Your future. Who belongs in your life, and who doesn’t.

I was back thinking again the other day, and I especially reflected on how my life has changed dramatically since this time last year. Some people I was friends with last year, I am no longer friends with; and the people who I am friends with now, I wasn’t friends with a year ago. To me, it’s crazy how drastically things can change and who you thought would stay in your life, simply hasn’t.

I’ve also thought about my own ‘change.’ As much as I am a strong believer that at the end of the day, most people don’t end up totally changing, I’ll call my own transition over the past year or so simply ‘growing up.’ Things have happened, that have made me stronger. My mindset has improved. My outlook on things have improved. I will no longer settle being around people who make me feel less than good enough. (You can read more on this in my post about putting myself first).

I think at the beginning, people saw this transition as shocking and in some ways, that says it all. It was almost like the people who were taking me for granted, suddenly didn’t know what to do. Almost like they couldn’t control me anymore, and I’m so glad I let those people go.

I am an overly sensitive person. I constantly pressure myself to be liked by everyone, when in reality, that simply is impossible. I don’t take people leaving very well, and I certainly haven’t over the past year. But I have begun to slowly realise that those who do not want to be a part of my life, are not worthy of being in my life. That I should start to cherish those more who want to be around me, rather than those who tear me down.

And as for my own personality, I feel like I have almost ‘blossomed.’ The only way I can describe it as is, “I don’t care anymore.” I am me. I am loud. I talk way too much. I ramble and get deep about things that probably don’t need to be talked about. I have strong political views on equality, and life in general, and I like to express that!! (That explanation mark was clearly used as a “take that” to anyone who can’t handle that about me). But you know what?? I am real. I am happy expressing who I am. I don’t want to hide who I am anymore. And if people like me, then that’s great. And if they don’t, then that’s also okay… I am not going to be everyone’s cup of tea and ! that ! is ! fine !

To anyone who knew me a year ago; I am still the same Becca. Just better. Improved. More confident and empowered. The person inside me has not changed. I have just grown and found myself more and more.

To the amazing people who are still around, and still cherish me as a human being, thank you. To anyone who left my life for the better, thank you. It is because of each and every single person in my life (those present now, or those who have left), that I am sat here with the biggest smile on my face writing this. And I can proudly say- this is me.

I also made a YouTube video discussing this a bit more in detail if you are interested. Thank you for reading / watching. Enjoy.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

Some things are meant to be


Here I go again, writing and thinking about the deepest of things. I’m an avid thinker about life. It seems like it’s the only thing that constantly roams around my brain. From the past, to the future. To people present in my life, to people who used to be in my life.

One philosophy that I live by is definitely the idea that ‘life works in weird and wonderful ways’ and that everything really does happen for a reason. I don’t believe we all have a set plan, it’s up to us to decide what we do with our lives without it being pre-determined, but that things happen for the positive sometimes.

If you have read my blog since I started blogging (wow that seems like yesterday but I’ve been blogging for over 6 months now???) you may have noticed that I don’t take people leaving my life very well. I have lost people who I loved dearly, whether that’s friends or otherwise. See where I’m going with this? Nevertheless, I take comfort in knowing that these setbacks can lead to bigger and better.

It’s a bit like relationships. If you don’t break up with someone, then you can’t progress and do better. Whatever happens next will make break-ups seem like a complete blessing. I actually read something interesting on this yesterday and it really stood out to me.

There are hundreds of boys out there who are so much better to the ex you had previously. Think about it, this world is full of billions of people. Billions of unique, amazing people. Give it time.

I decided to add in that little quote that I typed on my notes when I was thinking about this for anyone who may be struggling with a break-up in general. This idea helped me immensely get over someone, and I hope that you can find comfort in this too.

When it comes to friends, well. All I will say is that you are in control of your own life. Don’t settle for second best, and take comfort in the idea that life will end up working itself out in the end. Sometimes there’s a bigger reason as to why we need to cut out people of our lives- even if we don’t manage to see it at the time.

Another rambling post, but you guys seem to enjoy these kind of posts where there’s no organisation and my thoughts just pour out onto my keyboard.Some things really were just meant to happen.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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I’m a deep thinker. Here’s why.


I have had this blog post idea roaming around in my head for some time now. On Christmas Eve, I was actually in this pub and someone said something to me that really stood out and seemed to make everything about me and who I am fall into place.

I got told that I was a deep thinker and that I should cherish having that quality. As much as I am aware that I am a ‘deep’ and ‘preachy’ person as it is, it was overwhelming to see someone admire that quality about me. I think I was actually talking about something as simple as why I’m not studying at university yet, and it really caught me off guard in a good way.

I also got told to not let boys mess me around. As much as I’m a deep thinker, I am also extremely sensitive, and don’t take relationships, break-ups or anything to do with boys well at all. Am I a girl or a potato? Really? But it was another thing that stood out to me. It was as if everything that has happened in my life over the past year had a sort of conclusion and end result. I used to believe that I deserved everything I went through in my break-up last year, and it made me realise, “wait. I’m better than this.”

I’ll probably never meet the person who told me this again. But I know that it’s advice that I will take with me in everything I do in life. Whether that’s now at 18, or when I’m 40 and probably still single with about 10 cats, a box of oreos and a brew.

I now know that my whole view of the world, and the people within it, should be embraced and I shouldn’t be ashamed of who I am. This is me, and I’m flippin’ happy with that.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Putting yourself first


So this is going to be another one of those blog posts that are completely jumbled and is just all my emotions blurted into one rambling piece of writing while my eyes are hurting from being so tired and drained. But nevertheless, here it goes.

I recently vowed to myself that I would not settle for anything less than I deserve. I probably spend the majority of 2016 being messed about by people who simply didn’t deserve my time, effort, or even myself. I don’t care if it’s a boy, friend, cat or goldfish- I won’t expose myself to the amount of hurt that I have endured previously.

I think it’s so liberating when you finally know you’re own worth. It’s like the whole feeling of, “wow. You know what? I do deserve better.” As someone who used to beat herself up over people constantly hating her, it is the most amazing feeling knowing that I won’t settle for something I’m simply not happy with.

I am dedicating myself to me, and to the people around me whom I love and cherish the most. It’s not in a selfish way, but sometimes, that’s the most important. I say it all the time (I know!), but you are your own longest commitment. Look after yourself and your own feelings. Don’t spend your life around people who make you feel less than you should.

I guess a lot of these thoughts and feelings lead onto the subject of boys, and relationship in general. Okay we gathered, I suck at all that kind of stuff, but I’m not going to spend my time on a boy, or anyone for that matter, who won’t make the effort to come and see me. Who won’t give back as much effort as I am putting in. I have learnt the hard way that it’s just not worth it. I would rather be single than be with someone who makes me feel any less than how I should feel.

I look back at what I’ve just wrote with utter astonishment, in a good sort of way. This time last year, I would have never felt as confident in myself and what I’m worth as I do now. I am a human, and I deserve to be loved and cherished like one just as I give back. Don’t spend your time giving 100% to someone when you’re getting 50% back. Yes, i know, I did say this would be a rambled post.

Confidence in yourself is empowering and liberating and utterly amazing. Don’t ever confuse it for being vain, rather knowing you’re own worth.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Optimism


It’s a whole new year, and you have probably heard the phrase ‘new year, new me’ used countless times. Granted, I used to use that phrase myself, but over time I have realised, “really??” I think a new year holds new optimism and opportunities rather than a whole new, and different, person.

I have never felt so confident at the start of a year before. Normally, I assume that every year will be the same as the last. I’ll go to school. Maybe make new friendships. Maybe try at least one new thing. But this year seems different in a good kind of way. A lot has changed since this time last year- for one, I’ve finished education so I actually have more time to do things with my life.

This year holds so much optimism because there are so many amazing opportunities out there just waiting for me. Whether that’s in friendship, love, relationships, job prospects, or anything in between. I feel as though last year is helping my own growth into this year and the prospects really are endless.

It’s a new year. I feel as though people say this all the time (“blank slate” and all that), but it truly is. I feel like a fresh start is just what I need right now, a time to destress, get rid of all the toxic vibes, and just create new memories. Towards the end of last year I began to realise that life really is too short. Take every year as it comes, and just live for once and feel alive. Take life, and do what makes you happy because it’s the most amazing feeling.

I really hope I end this year with as much optimism as I have begun it with. Leave the past in the past, and create more positive moments. I think that is especially true of last year, and the idea of a new beginning completely excites me. Who knows where I’ll be 6 months from now. Who knows what I’ll even be writing about on here 6 months from now. Who knows how many amazing people I’ll be lucky enough to meet this year. I think it’s also the idea of ‘not knowing’ but being completely overwhelmed and excited with the idea of a new chapter in life. Here’s to 2017 and whatever weird and wonderful things may come with it.

Watch this space.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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A mix of emotions


This blog post actually wasn’t meant to go up today, or even be written at all but I have become so consumed in my thoughts, feelings, and life tonight that I couldn’t not express everything in one rambling post.

If you read my, ‘A conclusion’ post, then you kind of have a head start when it comes to this post, because it leads on from that. Of course, that post was meant to be a conclusion, and ending. But unfortunately, everything hasn’t just stopped there and I needed to confess everything here before my mind physically combusts. Wait, can that actually happen?

Nevertheless, I am absolutely petrified to post this, and I shouldn’t be. I don’t know what I am ultimately scared of, but it’s something. The thing is, people sometimes aren’t who you think they are. Sometimes they can end up being the total opposite, and completely shock you.

In a way, a part of me still loves the genuine person that is behind whatever else seems to be going on at the moment which is much to my annoyance. And yes, ‘the thing going on’ just so happens to be cheating. But I guess you can’t help how you feel. A part of me wants to look at the bigger picture and not just see things as black and white. There must be a main motivation behind someone’s hurtful actions, even if you may not be able to see them at first. However, that doesn’t mean that they should be discounted or justified.

As much as their actions can’t be defended, I think it’s also important to not blindly look at who they actually are. People see wonderful things in other people that they don’t happen to see in themselves, and I feel like this is certainly the case in this situation. Because as much as I want to proclaim hatred, talk about how mad and annoyed I may be, or simply kick off screaming and shouting, I won’t.

I care about this person more than I probably have anyone else, and after everything that’s happened please don’t ask me why. Yes, I’m probably naive and I hate myself for it. But people aren’t all bad, and cheating certainly isn’t the worst thing that happens in this world.

For now, I am going to calmly sit back and hope that somehow, someway, things sort themselves. That in time, this person will truly find themselves and truly grow. As cliche as it sounds, I think that’s it really. We grow and learn, and I guess this person that I have been talking about in this blog post will do that in their own time.

Am I surprised at how this blog post has panned out? In a way, yes. This person seemed to have hurt me, and just left quicker than he came. I don’t see how I can still have no negative feelings for someone like that- and in some ways I guess that shows strength. Because at the end of the day, despite everything that may be going on- or have gone on, there are people that genuinely love and care for this person, including me. And ultimately, even if I am a forgotten part of the distant past.

Life works in mysterious and wonderful ways. Things happen sometimes that catch you off guard, that can sometimes get to you, but make you realise that we are all humans and ‘sucky’ things happen. But at the end of the day, it’s what you do with those situations and how you let them affect you. And in all honesty, I’m good. I’m happy. And I’m certainly not hurt by the events, just reflective. Everything is life experience at the end of the day, even this.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Christmas Eve: What I’m thankful for


I was in two minds as to whether I should do a Christmas Eve themed blog post, but seen as today is my publishing day and normally the day I upload new content, I figured, “Why not?”

I have actually been wanting to write a post similar to this for quite a while, and came to the conclusion that doing it around the time of Christmas would probably be more fitting.

I am thankful for a lot of things. I often look at my life and think, “wow. I really have a lot to be grateful for.” And I do. I have the most amazing friends, family, and people in general that surround me.

You have probably read a lot of posts similar to this, especially at this time of the year, so I am going to keep this post short and sweet for today. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, and I feel that being blessed with the people around me is one of them.

I am thankful for anyone who has ever put up with me as odd as that may sound. After going from having not one single friend at one point, I am so thankful for all my friends around me today. Friendships are extremely important to me because of that, and it’s still surreal how many people are truly there for me. Thank you. Each and every single one of you.

Now for the completely cliche part (I know, it was coming). I am so incredibly thankful for every single person who takes time out of their day to read my rambling blog posts on here. Whether you’ve only visited my blog today, or a returning visitor, I cannot emphasise enough how thankful and humbled I am for each and every one of you. I get that I am definitely far from the biggest blog around, and that is totally okay, but you all deserve to be reminded how thankful I am for you taking time out of your day to read my content. It’s crazy.

And of course, I am extremely thankful for my family. I don’t normally get soppy when it comes to family, but sometimes I realise how lucky I am. I don’t, and will never, take anything they have done for me for granted. Whether that’s close family, or extended, I truly am thankful to be surrounded by such amazing people.

So there we have it. A pretty soppy post, but hey, it’s Christmas. (Will we ever stop using that excuse for everything at this time of year? Probably not).

I will probably be writing a New Year themed post at the end of the week in the run up to 2017 so I will leave those good ol’ New Years resolutions / reflection for then.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas with those you love the most. Sometimes it’s hard to forget what we have when we get wrapped up in the Christmas spirit and presents, and all that jazz. Stay safe, and healthy.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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