Progress: An update

I’m going to go out on a limb here and admit that I haven’t felt like I am ‘me’ lately. Now, you may be wondering what that means- and I’ve tried to work that out too. I occasionally get periods in which my mental health deviates, and I often become confused in who I am. It seems to be a question that I’ve asked myself a lot recently, and it that time, I seemed to have lost all meaning of the person who I am.

With that being said, I understand now that my high levels of anxiety come and go. I was confused as to why this happens; as to why my anxiety can be bearable for a few weeks, or even months, and then suddenly go really bad. According to my therapist (we’ll get onto that a bit later), this is totally normal, and it’s opened my eyes up to understanding my mental health more.

Since 2017 started, I’ve had a lot of those ‘unbearable’ moments in which I have become utterly baffled over what’s going on in my head. One minute I seemed to have everything sorted, and the next I can’t seem to calm myself down. However, I am writing this blog post from a perspective of ‘progress.’ The idea that I am sat here writing this now, and can safely say that I feel a lot better in who I am; and that I’m certainly not as confused.

If you follow me on Twitter or Instagram, you may be aware that I have recently joined… and even started the gym. The gym is something in which I wished I had always had the motivation to do; but for so long the idea of going to the gym on my own, and the fear of judgement utterly petrified me. It’s taken a lot for me to motivate myself enough to even join the gym, but here I am and I did it.

I’ve just got home from doing my second session (we’ve all got to start somewhere, right?), and I’m so glad that I took the plunge and realised that this was what I needed. I’m doing this to develop myself. To gain back my confidence. To feel better in myself, and to use the gym as a way to stop me overthinking so much and concentrate my energy on something positive.

I know I have mentioned this in a couple of blog posts recently, but whilst we’re addressing the idea of ‘progress’ I want to reflect on the fact that I have started ‘cognitive behavioural therapy’ and it’s worked wonders for my anxiety. I feel like I understand what goes on in my head more, what triggers certain thoughts, and how to relax myself when I feel the whole world caving in on me. It’s such a calming feeling knowing that I am finally making progress in that area of my mind, and I hope I can come back in a few months and still see this experience as a positive for me and my health.

And above all, I have put one of my most fundamental New Year’s resolutions into action (I don’t normally make resolutions, but based on how last year went for me, this year was an exception for that). I am finally putting myself first, and refuse to let myself be taken down by anyone else’s negativity. This has always been something that I have desired to do, and I feel a lot happier clearing out negative people and energy in my life. It’s like a breath of fresh air, and no matter how much you don’t want to do it at the time, it’s better all round for your own sake. Do not put yourself on the line for someone who just wants to constantly bring you down and doesn’t contribute to your life anymore.

So yeah, that’s about it for this weeks little ‘life update.’ I feel like I have undergone a lot of changes in my life recently, and it’s been so hard to keep up. With my new job, starting the gym, making new friends, it’s been like a crazy rollercoaster of emotions and I (hope) everything is settling down a bit more now. But hey, I did it. I’m still here and I’m extremely excited for the future. Watch this space.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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My body, my choice

So today I was casually looking to see if my outfit was okay in a mirror, and it got me thinking. Of course, I think in the most random of situations and circumstances, but bare with me on this one.

I know this is talked about a lot, and so we should do. Our bodies are our own and no one else’s. That means we can’t let people tell us what we “can” and “can’t” do with it (within legal boundaries of course). But even I still find myself doing things in order to please others.

What I do with my body is none of your business. Period. Let people breathe, and let people live. No one should be able to control what someone else does with their body, and no one should be able to judge.

Because the thing is, whatever I wear, however I decide to express my body and my body image, is due to my own confidence. Yes, confidence people. Low cut dresses. Jeans without a long top above it. They’re all things I have slowly learnt to overcome and I finally feel liberated, confident and happy in my body. Okay? Okay.

I’m growing up, and I’m sensible in expressing who I am with my body. I feel like body image is something everyone struggles with, and the power to overcome that is incredible.

I don’t know. Another rambled sort of post, full of complete expression of words, and passion for letting women, men, transgender people, anyone, feel confident enough to belong to their own body.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

 

A competitive life

I have been thinking a lot about outward appearances and just appearances in general a lot lately. I don’t know if I’m the only one who does this, but do you ever look around you and think, “I wish I looked like that?” Obviously these aren’t healthy thoughts, but I often get drawn into thinking them every now and again.

It feels like society in general is a competition over appearances. You know, having to look a certain way in order to make the cut to be a model, or to look like the perfect ‘star.’ It really is pressure, and as much as people seem to address this issue, I want to address it in my own way.

The fact is, in some shape or form, society has been like this for years. I think the trick is learning to feel comfortable in accepting your own appearance however. As much as I am becoming confident in how I look, I do still often compare myself to even my own best friends. It’s like I don’t feel like I ‘fit in’ because I don’t look a certain way. Or I don’t style my clothes like they do. Or because I wear glasses, and genuinely can’t wear contact lenses because there’s not one suitably fitted to cater for my eyes (as far as I know of anyway).

But when you think about it, beauty really does come in many forms, shapes and sizes. Maybe the only person we should compete with is ourselves and setting our own goals to strive for. You see, I hate getting bogged down about my appearance, just like a lot of other people probably do. It’s definitely a daily struggle, one in which I wish so many people didn’t have to deal with.

In a lot of these posts, I normally end it with a plea to go out and compliment at least one person when, and if, possible. Even if it’s just, “I like your hair,” or, “That dress is cute! Where’s it from?” Beauty shouldn’t be a competition, but a joint effort of empowerment. Of letting down our own pride, and giving someone else a reason to feel good. A little can go a long way.

Flaunt that perfect lil ass of yours because you deserve it.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Putting yourself first

So this is going to be another one of those blog posts that are completely jumbled and is just all my emotions blurted into one rambling piece of writing while my eyes are hurting from being so tired and drained. But nevertheless, here it goes.

I recently vowed to myself that I would not settle for anything less than I deserve. I probably spend the majority of 2016 being messed about by people who simply didn’t deserve my time, effort, or even myself. I don’t care if it’s a boy, friend, cat or goldfish- I won’t expose myself to the amount of hurt that I have endured previously.

I think it’s so liberating when you finally know you’re own worth. It’s like the whole feeling of, “wow. You know what? I do deserve better.” As someone who used to beat herself up over people constantly hating her, it is the most amazing feeling knowing that I won’t settle for something I’m simply not happy with.

I am dedicating myself to me, and to the people around me whom I love and cherish the most. It’s not in a selfish way, but sometimes, that’s the most important. I say it all the time (I know!), but you are your own longest commitment. Look after yourself and your own feelings. Don’t spend your life around people who make you feel less than you should.

I guess a lot of these thoughts and feelings lead onto the subject of boys, and relationship in general. Okay we gathered, I suck at all that kind of stuff, but I’m not going to spend my time on a boy, or anyone for that matter, who won’t make the effort to come and see me. Who won’t give back as much effort as I am putting in. I have learnt the hard way that it’s just not worth it. I would rather be single than be with someone who makes me feel any less than how I should feel.

I look back at what I’ve just wrote with utter astonishment, in a good sort of way. This time last year, I would have never felt as confident in myself and what I’m worth as I do now. I am a human, and I deserve to be loved and cherished like one just as I give back. Don’t spend your time giving 100% to someone when you’re getting 50% back. Yes, i know, I did say this would be a rambled post.

Confidence in yourself is empowering and liberating and utterly amazing. Don’t ever confuse it for being vain, rather knowing you’re own worth.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Embrace your quirks

I don’t know. Has anyone else felt as though you constantly live in someone else’s shadows? Like you are not your own ‘wonderful’ human being while you’re around them, but simply there for their own self rather than considering you?

There was a time when I lived every day of my life like this. Like I felt as though I wasn’t worthy of being my own human being because I figured everyone saw as little in me as I viewed in myself. Now, this isn’t going to be a soppy and depressing blog post, but rather something that triggered in my mind while I was awake in the early hours of yesterday morning.

The fact is, we all have are own space in this world whether we realise it or not. I’m a strong believer in the idea that we were all put on this earth for a reason, and we are all worthy of living. I find it upsetting how many people view themselves as worthless when they could simply be some of the most amazing people that this world has to offer.

I have recently had a glimpse of what it felt like to feel like I was living in someone else’s shadow again. Like they are in the centre of the universe while everyone else is kinda just… there. It’s upsetting, and it’s certainly toxic to my own mind to get feelings of such worthlessness.

I think the whole point of this blog post is to simply remind people to be kind and considerate of others. To acknowledge the fact that everyone is quirky in their own way and that no one should deserve to be mocked or ridiculed for how they are. Sure, there are some people that you simply aren’t going to like in this world, and there’s most probably a bunch of people who dislike me.

But the fact of the matter is that no one is worthless, and no one should be made to feel that way. We are all equals whether we like it or not. Whether that is based on race, gender, religion etc or even our personalities. Someone who makes crappy jokes and dances for no reason is just as worthy as someone who chooses a different sort of lifestyle.

Remind yourself, and especially remind others, that it’s each others quirkiness that make us human. We all seem to say this a lot, but it really would be boring if we were all the same. Embrace it and flaunt it. As much as I am trying to embrace my quirky moments, there are times where I feel like I’m being mocked and ridiculed for them. Judgement can really be a painful thing, don’t be the person who is the main contributor to that pain.

Love and happiness always,
xo, Becca

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A small life update

I feel a bit “put off” from writing about how I feel at the moment, however it seems like nowadays, “happiness” is genuinely the only emotion that I can describe myself as.
3 months ago, my blog was centred around heart break and pain. I’m not going to sugarcoat anything, because it straight up was. It was a time in my life in which I felt things “coming together,” but it wasn’t totally there. I’d hurt more than I’d ever hurt before, and I don’t know why situations hit me so hard at that time. It was the kind of time where things where looking up for me, and then something else would happen that would break me even more. I was always going backwards, and because of that I became extremely lost. I used to sleep to simply pass time so I could make it through the day without breaking down. I used to have to plan my whole week to keep myself busy because I didn’t know how I’d cope otherwise. Situations made me extremely anxious and even when I look back to September, I don’t think I’ve ever been so ill or felt so low with my anxiety to the point where it physically scared me.
I kinda “chose” a positive attitude and to change my mindset. Obviously it’s not as easy as that, but I was so incredibly determined to see past this point in my life. I’d just gotten my semi colon tattoo at this point, and I honestly believe it came at exactly the right time. It was such an important, and helpful reminder to simply keep going.
I am now sat on my kitchen floor, pouring all these words out onto the notes on my phone. The dryer won’t stop beeping so I should probably sort that out. But I have the energy to. I have the energy to get up right now and just dance. I have the energy to go out in public with my friend today, vlog in public for my YouTube and just laugh. I have the COURAGE to be happy and to keep moving forward and it honestly makes me so emotional when I reflect on my progress.
As well as finding confidence in the body I breathe in, I have also found confidence in my own happiness. I’m entitled and allowed to be happy. I’m allowed to express progress and think, “you know what? I can’t believe I made it through these past months, but I did it.” I see happiness as more of a journey. It doesn’t happen overnight, but if you make yourself a priority, it’s definitely worth it in the end.
I now couldn’t care about external perceptions of me. I can go out in public and not be scared anymore, even though I still have the odd panic attack. The only words I can think of when I describe these past 4 ish months is a whirlwind. An adventure. A journey of happiness and empowerment.
If you’re not in the best place right now, remember that it’s okay. If we never had low times, how would we know what the good ones look like?
Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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You are your home

This is a concept that I have reflected upon a lot recently, and something which has only just made sense over the past month or so. I am a strong believer in putting yourself first, and something I always seem to live by is the idea that you are your home. (Shoutout to the beauty that is Orion Carloto for inspiring this very concept).

If you haven’t guessed already, this whole concept is an analogy. The idea that when all else fails, you’ve got to be the one to pick yourself up when your falling if no one else is around to help. Just like you neuter and look after a home, you are your own home and your number one priority.

Funnily enough, I am actually debating whether or not to have this as my next tattoo. It’s something which seems to relate to me on such an emotional level, and it couldn’t be more true. I have begun to make myself a priority, and it’s one of the most important things you can do for yourself. Nowadays, it seems like we spend our lives beating ourselves up over ‘not being good enough’ or ‘pretty enough’ when the reality of it all is that we are all good enough- especially for ourselves.

I can’t sit here and say that I still don’t have days when I feel totally worthless and simply not good enough for this world. But I find comfort in bringing myself back to reality and realising that it’s okay to be quirky. It’s okay to consider my own feelings first, and accept myself for who I am. I recently did a whole blog post on this idea entitled ‘This is Me’ if you want to give it a browse.

To be honest with you, I am the sort of person who beats herself up about every little thing. I pin point everything wrong with me and completely spiral myself out of control. It’s really not healthy. I have began to realise, however, that I am me and I can put others first at the same time as making myself a priority. At the end of the day, you really are your own longest commitment. When my own ‘safe place’ left months ago, I was the only one who could pick myself up and bounce back stronger.

Take a deep breath and realise that you are enough. You are worthy of so much love, and it’s completely healthy to tell yourself that sometimes. When you fall, bounce back stronger. Making myself a priority is the best thing I ever did. It has enabled me to look after myself and get to a stage where I’m happy and healthy again.

You are your own home, cherish it. Find a home in yourself before you let others step into it.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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You’re allowed to feel confident

Since when was it seen as a bad thing to love your own body? It’s like we frown down on people who aren’t confident by telling them to “lighten up,” and then we say “hold up. You can’t be that confident.” Confidence does not have boundaries, and it shouldn’t be frowned upon.

I can quite comfortably sit here and say I’m comfortable in my own body at the moment. I can sit here and say that it’s taken a long time for me to accept my appearance, but now that I have I feel so incredibly liberated. The thing is, that doesn’t make me ‘self absorbed’ and we should stop using that label in conjunction with confidence.

You’re allowed to sit there and say, “You know what? I look pretty good today.” If you feel confident, flaunt it. Shout about it. Write it. It’s one of them pretty amazing feelings in which it can take a long time to achieve, but when it is achieved, it’s one of the most powerful feelings you can endure.

There is a clear difference between being confident, and being self absorbed.

Confidence: the feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something. (Ie being confident and accepting in ones own physical or overall appearance).

Self absorbed: Self absorption is defined as caring only about one’s own self and one’s own activities and not showing interest in the rest of the world.

It’s quite liberating for me to be able to go out now and feel comfortable in what I’m wearing and essentially, how I look but it definitely doesn’t happen over night. One of the key things I had to tell myself when finding my own confidence was that it’s okay if I look unique or don’t fit in with the socially constructed view of ‘beauty.’ I am me. And my appearance is my appearance. Why shame and ridicule me for something I simply cannot change? We were all born unique, so it’s time we all accepted embracement.

I’m not just someone sat behind a computer screen preaching and saying “You should be confident!!” because that’s not how it works. It can’t possibly work like that as soon as someone clicks their fingers. But if you have a day where you feel even a little bit confidence, embrace that. Show the world what you have to offer and take no shame in it.

Confidence and self love is important to me because it helps keep me going. I got to a point where I was beating myself up over my appearance so much that it simply wasn’t healthy. Sometimes it’s beneficial for your own health to sit there and point out even two things you kinda like about yourself. Or two things that makes you, you. I don’t know many other people who are blind in one eye and were born with their stomach inside out like I was. I hate my scar on my stomach, but at the same time… that’s me.

I have no shame in sitting here and declaring my confidence in my own appearance. I’m not saying I’m the prettiest dime in the box, because I’m far from it. But I still value my appearance and accept that I simply am who I am. Whether that’s in my appearance or my personality.

Confidence is healthy and powerful for the mind, and I shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed for being confident. It’s not being big headed, or self absorbed. I deserve to accept my own unique beauty (in whatever shape or form that may come in), just like I accept the beauty of others. Because I’m still human, and I deserve to find confidence just like you do too.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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The importance of self love

I feel like this topic is constantly talked about. Telling people they should “love themselves and their bodies” and “should be comfortable in their own skin.” But like a lot of other things, that’s easier said than done. How do we achieve self love, and how do we know when we’ve achieved self love?

I think it’s good to sometimes explore why it’s important that we love ourselves more. A lot of us have probably beaten ourselves up about one thing or another. Whether that’s regarding our appearance, a personality trait, or something we may have done to others. At the end of the day, cut yourself some slack. Perfection doesn’t exist, so why do we always strive for something that’s false anyway?

Be patient with yourself and use every day as a way of growing up and being better. In order to do this, you have to stop beating yourself up about everything you’re not, and look at everything you are.

For example, I don’t have skinny thighs, or big boobs, or the best face structure. Sure, I’d love all those things. I’d love to not have to turn my head to a weird angle so I can actually see because I’m partially sighted in one eye. I’d love to not make mistakes, and hurt the people I love the most. I’d love to actually be skilled at something and not be so insecure all the time because I have ‘nothing going for me.’ But when that all gets too much,  I look at the things I am. I sure as hell cherish everything that means the most to me, meaning that I am kind and compassionate to those I love the most. I actually like the colour of my hair at the moment (I seem to be going more ginger!) I actually like that my personality is centred around being a good person, and I eventually let myself off when I mess up. I actually like my ugly ass scar that runs halfway up my stomach because it makes me different. (Trust me, it is ugly).

It’s so easy to get caught up in all the pressure that surrounds us. As to what kind of human you should be. I hate being sensitive, because I get hurt easily. But being sensitive also means that I have my eyes so open to the world, and I know how to be so compassionate towards others so I don’t hurt people the way I’ve been hurt. See what I mean by turning once personal flaws about yourself into positives?

I’m not saying you’ll be confident all the time. I have times when I get so insecure that I would be quite happy not leaving the house for a week. I still compare myself to others, and I still beat myself up about not being ‘pretty enough’ or a ‘nice enough person.’ It’s okay to feel low sometimes; because it can help to come back with a stronger and more confident mindset.

By no means does loving yourself enough to be confident in yourself mean you’re ‘egotistical’ or ‘big headed’ either. Instead, it’s liberating finding who you are, and achieving everything you want to achieve. Take a moment to think about the things you love about yourself the most. People fail to realise a lot of the time that there is good and beauty in everyone and that includes yourself. Such a cliche phrase I know, but in the nearly 18 years I’ve lived, I’ve found that’s very true.

And why self love is so important? Because at the end of the day, you’re your own longest commitment. When you feel at your lowest, it’s you who has the ability to pick yourself back up again. I have begun to realise that beating myself over things that I can’t change aren’t important to me anymore, and I’m at a point in my life where I’ve never felt so happy. I changed once flaws, into things I love about myself. Thick thighs. Small boobs. Bad eyes- and anything else someone has criticised me for regarding my appearance. They’re all imperfections that I have accepted and are happy living with.

And my most overused personal favourite phrase regarding this topic; hashtag body posiiiii.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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Self love and empowerment

In a world full of negativity and negative energy, sometimes it is easy to put yourself down and not feel good enough. To feel insecure in your body, or how you look, and to beat yourself up about it. Trust me, I was the same and occasionally still get like that. But like everything else, life is a journey and self love and empowerment is part of that journey. I constantly stumble across people on my own Facebook news feed who share statuses about being insecure in their body or how they look. When I see this, it genuinely upsets me. In fact, I’ve been known to message people I’ve never talked to before and remind them that they are genuinely beautiful. The key is finding beauty in yourself that you fail to see.

Of course it is easier said than done. Self love and empowerment takes a lot of hard work and requires you to trust yourself. But do you see that spot on your cheek? Or that stretch mark on your thigh? Or how your tummy rolls when you sit down? It’s all completely 100% natural. Sometimes, we fail to realise that and beat ourselves up for things that are out of our control. But look at it this way; stand up and sit in front of the mirror. Look at yourself and tell yourself, “You know what? I am actually good enough and I am actually beautiful.” Self empowerment is all about you putting your full trust into yourself and what you say to yourself.

Personally, and as cliche as this may sound, I do see beauty in everyone. I feel like beauty is something that we’re all born with, and sometimes it takes longer for some of us to find that beauty. This world is full of billions of people who all genetically look unique to each other. Isn’t that beautiful in itself? The fact that you don’t look exactly the same as ANYONE ELSE on this planet? Embrace the things you hate about yourself, because someone else will love them. For example, I personally hate wearing glasses and then having an eye that constantly shakes. I personally hate having a massive scar in the middle of my stomach. I personally hate having big thighs and small boobs. But you know what? I secretly love those things too, because as cliche and overused as this phrase may be, it’s a part of who I am and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

It’s easy to compare yourself to models and ‘stereotypically’ pretty girls on the internet, we all do it. But do you know what’s cool? You’re also just as beautiful as they are in your own way. Sit there and pin point certain things in yourself that you love. Whether it’s your hair. Your eyes. Your smile. As well as pin pointing the things we hate about ourselves, we should also pin point the things we love most about ourselves. Confidence is key, and if you can learn to embrace all your features then you’re half way there. Ultimately, the day you learn to love yourself is the day you also learn let others love you.

Loving yourself also isn’t just about loving your body or how you look. It’s about loving everything, including your personality and how you treat others. Have you ever heard the phrase that beauty also comes from within? When I was going through a time in which I physically couldn’t even look myself in the mirror because I hated how I looked so much, I learnt that working on my inside beauty was key to embracing my outside beauty. I am a person who likes to surround themselves with positivity, be positive and be kind to everyone- even people who may have hurt me. I try to take down my pride and forgive others. I try to treat people with as much love and compassion and I would want them to show me in return. The day you realise that you’re a better person than you give yourself credit for, and see the good in others also, is the day your mind will be at peace and you’ll stop trying to fight having an ugly personalty. I’m not saying it’s easy. I still make mistakes, and I’ve still hurt people and not been as compassionate and kind as I could’ve been. But I picked myself up and kept trying, and you can too.

Self empowerment is a journey. Think of it as a graph. You’ve got to keep the graph steady and increasing rather than letting yourself fall. I feel like a lot of it has to do with who surrounds you in your life. If you’re surrounded by positive people who remind you of your worth, your more likely to accept that and believe them. But, if you’re surrounded by people who make you feel less than good enough, then you don’t deserve them in your ‘bubble of empowerment.’

Change starts from today. If you feel like you’re struggling with your body image then remember, from me, that you are more beautiful than you give yourself credit for and you offer more to this world than you think. Yes, it’s cliche, but it’s time more people helped bring each other up rather than tear each other down. Liberate yourself. Empower yourself. Look yourself in the mirror and admit how beautiful you are. It’s not vain, in fact it’s far from it. I will never understand why it is acceptable for society to make people feel like they need to put themselves down instead of picking themselves up because it’s viewed as “loving yourself too much” or “being too self absorbed.” Confidence and empowerment is one of the most fundamental parts to us finding happiness as a human being and it should be celebrated more because it deserves to be.

Love and happiness always,

xo, Becca

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